Page 63 of The Mysterious Case of the Alperton Angels
FM:It’s best you use our ‘info at’ email address … are you media?
OM:Yeah, we—
AB:We’re just visiting, but always open-minded about what the wider world may find interesting. The monastery is beautiful and fascinating.
FM:Yes. [Crunch, crunch … he’s walking away. EC] Enjoy your visit.
OM:[Raises his voice. EC] There’s a monk here … he’s thirty-four.
AB:Shush.
FM:[He sounds further away. EC] Info at Quarr Abbey dot org. [Crunch, crunch, crunch. EC]
AB:Well fucking done.
OM:He was getting on my nerves. He might have all the time in the world to rattle on about architecture and shit, but our return ferry is at six. The monks are all hidden away.
AB:They can’t have gone far. Come on.
[Crunch, crunch, crunch. EC]
File 4
AB:Slowly. Quietly.
OM:Will they charge?
AB:I don’t know.
OM:They bite. Definitely bite. And they eat anything. We’re food to them.
AB:They’re just pigs.
OM:Not friendly ones. Look at him.
AB:Her.
To create a chronological account of what happened next, I tore thefollowing file in two, then inserted printouts of WhatsApp messages between me and Oliver:
File 5
[This is pretty much all whispered. EC]
AB:Round this corner is the brewery. Beyond is the vegetable garden. That’s the chapel, obvs. I’m banking on the cottage here being their access to a sleeping and dining area.
OM:How do you know all this?
AB:Research, Oliver. Photographs on their website, news interviews, Google Earth. I’ve built up a mental map of the place. Here, vitamin water – we need to be on our A-game. [Slurping, followed by silence while you clearly sneak around where visitors aren’t allowed. Least of all a woman. EC]
AB:Ol, if we meet Jonah, letmedo the talking. [Clang, clang, clang. Ominous bells. EC]
OM:Something’s happening in the chapel …
AB:There’s a service about to begin.
OM:People are going in.
AB:Follow me. [Suddenly gets echoey and spooky. Clang! Was that the door closing? EC] They have a visitors’ section. Perfect!
