Page 15 of Diamonds in the Dark
I kiss my hand and blow it skyward… “Thank you Mom, for everything.”
“Okay now that is out of the way, I feel I need to talk to you about something else. I don't want to hide it from you. I honestly don't know how you will handle it. I don't know how to even explain it to you,” he says gruffly.
“Uh, Okay… What now?” I feel a blaze of worry, this is out of character for my dad.
“Gwen, I have been seeing someone. Now, before you interrupt me…hear me out please.”
“Okay.” I whisper.
“Well, it’s a lady I met at church. You see, it is nothing serious. Her husband died 3 years ago, and we just go out to dinner every now and then. We talk about our grief and just basically support each other. We both were married to the loves of our lives and lost them unexpectedly. We know we don't love each other, at least not in the way I loved your mom, and she loved her husband, but it's nice to have someone who understands to talk to. It keeps us both from being so lonely. I will never marry again so don’t worry about that.”
“Dad, wait a minute. I am happy that you are seeing someone. I worry about you being alone so much. If you did remarry, I would be okay with that too. As long as she is good to you. Mom wouldn’t want you sad and lonely either.”
He looks at me with pure shock in his eyes. “That was not the response I was expecting from you Gwen… I was ready for you to scream and yell at me and ask how I could do that to your mom's memory.”
“Dad, that's you telling yourself that, stop it. Mom would be happy for you as long as this lady treats you right and makes you smile. So, when do I get to meet her? Well, after these bruises heal anyway, when do I get to meet her?”
“I guess as soon as you are feeling up to meeting her. I hadn't really thought this far ahead. I figured you wouldn't have any desire to meet her.”“Dad stop, this is you feeling guilty, and you thought I would justify it, but I am not going too! I am happy for you. I want you to be happy, I know we both miss her, but Mom would kick our asses if she thought we let our lives just stop when she left. That's not what she would have wanted for either of us and if you search your heart, you know it's true. If she makes you happy, then be happy, Dad. You deserve it.”
“She makes me smile, but no one can ever make me smile the way your mother did. I enjoy the time me and Elise spend together, but she is not your mother, nor the love of my life and vice versa for her. She and I have talked about this several times. By the way, Elise is her name.”
We stand up and hug each other tight.
Life moves on at a fast pace. We all just want to find some kind of happiness; I think as Dad embraces me.
The doorbell buzzes and Dad pulls his wallet out and heads to the door to pay for our dinner. He walks back into the living room carrying nine or ten boxes stacked so high I can’t see his face.
“Dad, what did you do? Order everything on their menu?”I squeal when I see everything he is carrying.
“I didn’t know what would hurt your throat so I just ordered a few things and what we don’t eat tonight you can put up and eat over the next couple of days.”
I laugh. “Okay if you say so.”
We eat far too much food, even with my throat on fire. I just take small bites and gorge myself on pizza, pasta, breadsticks and salad while he explains to me all about the money and my new account, he opened for me. Then, we snuggle on the couch like we used to when I was a child and watch both the movies he picked out. By the time we are done, it is late, and I ask him to stay again. He agrees too quickly, so I know he was planning to stay anyway. After goodnight hugs and kisses, he heads to the guest room, and I head to my own bedroom with my heart overflowing and so much to be thankful for.
Chapter 12
Asher
It’s Saturday morning and I am here at the cemetery sitting at Gwen's mom's grave, wondering if, by chance, Gwen might show up today. I am trying not to be concerned, but since she didn’t show up Wednesday when she said she would, or any day since, I can't help the fear that keeps crawling up my spine and invading my mind that there is something seriously wrong. Maybe she just decided she didn’t want to spend any more time with me, and she is perfectly fine. That would be in the best interest for us both and shows she's smart to stay away from me.
I have no way of contacting her to check on her. I have no phone number or address. Sighing, I get up and start walking. I don’t know where I am going. I just need to do something besides sit here and think about Gwen. Somehow, she has snuck her way under my skin, and something keeps drawing me to her. She is the first woman in years to get to me in any way. No woman, since my ex-fiancée, Carey, has invaded my mind the way Gwen has, and I am not sure I like it. I can’t let my guard down. I have too much shit on my plate right now and too many things I can’t tell Gwen. She would never understand the things I am hiding. It would be impossible to ever have anything, including a friendship, with her. Eventually, she will start asking questions and I won't be able to answer them. Half of them, I would have no answer for anyway and others she would think I was crazy if I told her the truth. Hell, I am just recently figuring out most of it myself. I can't include other people in my problems.
I keep walking, enjoying the light breeze that is blowing against my face, taking in my hometown in a way I never have before. I am amazed at how much has changed over the years while I was gone. I can’t get used to it. When I was away in the Army, I never missed this place. I hated growing up here. I don’t know why, it just never felt like home to me. I wanted something else; something more than this place could give me. Unfortunately, I never found what I was looking for, but now things are different. I am different. I try to clear my mind of everything, but it is impossible. Gwen, Zach, Gwen, my parents, Gwen…. That’s all that keeps running through my mind and it's wearing me thin.
Zach hasn’t slowed down on the drugs since the blow up at my parent’s house. If anything, he has dived deeper into his drug induced life. Mom and Dad, I think, are at a loss and have pretty much washed their hands of the issue, and who could blame them. If he doesn't want help and doesn't want to stop, what can anyone do to help him? Nothing. They got him help; he threw it away, they tried to help again the only way they know how, and he has rejected every attempt they have made to save him from himself. He doesn't want to be saved. I feel like he is on a suicide mission, and I can relate. There was a time in my life I felt that way as well, and no matter what was said or done for me, I just didn't care. But to see my brother go through it tears me apart inside, and to see him turn to drugs to cope scares me. I am at a loss as to how I can help.
Chapter 13
Asher
I look up from the sidewalk and pull myself out of my thoughts. I am standing just a few feet from the public library where I spent so much time growing up. My mom used to bring me and Zach here for all the storytelling’s and anything they had going on for kids. We always came once a week to check out books as well. This was our home away from home. Books were mandatory in our home. We even had an hour after dinner that was dedicated to reading. We weren't allowed to watch television or play games until after our reading time was over. Most of the time I would read until bedtime and after if I could get by with it.
I wonder if my library card number and password will still work so I can use the computers inside. I haven’t been here in years, and I don’t have my card anymore. Who knows where it got to. For some reason, I remember my card number and password to be able to use the computers though. That should be all I need to get online if it’s still valid. I have no clue how long the cards are good for. Mom took care of all that when we were growing up. Maybe If I can get online, I can find Gwen's phone number and address. If so, I have to muster up enough courage to contact her.
I walk up the steps and open the door. The aroma of aged books hits me hard. It’s a strange but charming and intoxicating smell. I used to love this smell. I would spend hours here walking along the rows of old books, breathing in the scent, wondering what adventures were hiding between the covers of each one, wishing they could talk and tell me. I once was a reader of anything you put in front of me. I devoured books like some people do candy. I couldn’t get enough of them. Then, I suddenly just stopped reading. It was after my first tour in the Middle East. When I got back to the states, I never picked up another book. I don’t know why that is, and I never even thought about it until now.
I walk past the librarian’s desk, and no one speaks or looks up from what they are doing as I pass by them. I find my way past the reference section where I spent so many hours studying when I was in high school with my brother and friends. Memories float through my head of various times spent sitting at the tables, doing this and that. I finally spot the computers in the back of the first floor in a separate glass walled room. This area has been added on since I was last here and a lot more computers have been set up for people to use.
