Page 24 of Diamonds in the Dark
“Can’t you all just call each other up on the phone and make plans? You know like normal people? she asks.
“Nope, we have never exchanged phone numbers,” I answer.
“You have to be kidding? How did he end up here last night?”
“Well, he hadn’t seen me in a few days and was worried. He went to the library and looked up my address on the computer there,” I say, knowing it has to sound weird to her.
“What the hell? Gwen, why do you always end up in the strangest relationships? Where did you meet this guy?” she asks.
“At the cemetery where Mom is buried,” I answer quietly.
She looks over at me for a minute without saying a word.
“Okay, Gwen, you are an adult, and I don’t mean to pry, but are you sure he is safe?”
“Yes,” I say without even having to think about it.
“Okay, I trust you know what you are doing. Are you sure he is alive? You know, since you met him in a freaking graveyard, Gwen!
I throw the small handbag I am holding at her head. “Shut up! Yes, I am sure he is alive. I don’t invite ghosts into my home, and I sure don't think you can kiss ghosts. I wink at her.
She catches my handbag with ease and throws it back at me.
“Shut up, Gwen, you mean you have kissed him? So, we went from ‘We are just friends’, all the way to you kissed him? What else are you hiding from me? This conversation is not over Gwendolyn Stone! I will be back later with snacks, and we may not be watching a movie until you come clean with me, and I mean it!”
I laugh, “Becca there is nothing else to tell you, seriously, I have told you everything now!”
Chapter 17
Asher
After leaving Gwen's house, I felt a loneliness like I have never felt before. I don’t like it. When I am with her, I feel whole. I never felt anything like this when I was with Carey, and I have always thought her to be the love of my life. I know I need to keep my distance from Gwen now more than ever. I cannot let myself fall for this woman any more than I know I already have. It's not only the wrong time, but it also wouldn’t be fair to her. I could never be what she needs or wants. I am only a whisper of the man I once was. It would be a catastrophe for us both, but especially for her.
Trying to take my mind off Gwen, I wonder how my brother is doing? I haven't checked on him in the last few days. Not because I don't want to, but because a part of me knows nothing has changed and it makes me angry at him. I figure it wouldn't hurt to drop in and check on him. One of the things I have kept from Gwen is that my twin is her neighbor. I don't want her trying to talk to him because who knows what he would tell her. She would never be able to tell he's my twin if she ever saw him out. The drugs have done their damage and we now look nothing alike unless you look closely. He looks sick, and a lot older than his thirty-one years.
My brother's door is unlocked and slightly ajar, his truck is parked outside his garage, so I know he is home. I am guessing he got his truck repaired from the damage I caused, either that or he had it towed here. I walk in and there is an overwhelming smell of unwashed laundry, body odor, and stale food all mixed together. It's nauseating. I look around and it is astonishing at how messy and disgusting the place is. There are pizza boxes lying around and other takeout foods with mold growing on them. As I am walking through the living room, I trip over a box of what looks to have been, once upon a time, Chinese takeout. Now it's just a box of maggots that I almost mistaken for rice before I see them wiggling around. I gag and turn my head. I cannot believe he is living like this. I continue walking through the house. The set-up is almost identical to Gwen’s. I walk up the stairs and find Zach lying across his bed. He looks almost dead. His face is pale and has a grayish look to it. I clap my hands in front of his face and get no response. He doesn't even budge. I put my hand under his nose to make sure he is at least breathing. I feel air coming out of his nostrils and then he lets out a snort. At least he is still alive. If you can call what he is doing living.
I wonder about his business. He owns a large construction company that he built from the ground up. I wonder if it's just running itself, or if it's suffering with the owner being in this condition. I know he had grown it a lot, the last I heard, and it was doing amazing. I hope he has all of the right people in place and that they don't need him present to actually run the company. There is no way he can do anything in the condition he is in. I would hate to see all the hard work he put into building the company go to waste.
I walk back outside, shut the door, and lock it so no one else will just walk in on him the way I was able to do. I want him to stop this shit so bad. It worries me to death to see him in that condition. I assume he's still not going to rehab after seeing that disgusting display in his home. Who could live like that? Who would want to? I hope Mom and Dad have not been here and seen that mess. It would be devastating to them. Then again, maybe they need to see it. I don't know what the right answers are to this situation.
I start walking to clear my head. I don't know what I am supposed to do anymore. There is just so much going on in my head. The best thing that's happened to me in forever is Gwen, and I can't even allow that to bloom. I have to stay away from her and out of her life. If I don't, I will just hurt her in the end. She doesn't need that. I am not who she thinks I am, and I hate having to keep secrets from her. She would never be able to understand the truth of why I can't be with her. Hell, I don't even understand. I look up, after being lost in my own thoughts, and I am standing at the cemetery. I don't know why I came here. Maybe hoping she would be here, but she isn't and that's a good thing because I have to let her go. I feel too much when I am with her, and I know it's not one-sided. If it were one-sided, that kiss between us would not have felt so right. I can only wish I had met her four years ago, before my life fell apart forever.
Chapter 18
Gwen
For a month now, Asher has been missing in action. I have been keeping myself busy with a blog I started. It's just a place where I can write about random things and practice my writing a little. I have also been helping Becca plan her wedding and her baby shower. Life keeps going on and moving forward, even when you just want it to stop for a minute so you can catch your breath. I haven't heard from Edward, which is wonderful. I had hoped, after he was arrested, he would leave me alone, and so far, he has. I still worry about what he might do though. I was questioned by a detective about 2 weeks ago. It was nothing overwhelming. He just wanted to make sure they had all of the information they needed. All of my physical wounds have healed, and the emotional ones are getting a little better with each passing day. I know they will never be completely gone, but I can live with them. I have also started cleaning out my house room by room and throwing out anything and everything that reminds me of Edward. That has been very therapeutic. As I was unpacking the boxes I had put in the garage, I found a lot of the boxes I never unpacked when I moved in with Edward. They were filled with things from the first few years we dated, and I dumped them straight into the trash. I have been keeping the trash pick-up people busy, to say the least.
I miss Asher, which I know seems weird, even to me. I hadn't known him for long when he skipped out of my life, but the impact he made was huge. I don't understand how a person can come into your life for such a brief period and touch you so deeply. I drive to the cemetery almost daily looking to see if he just happens to be there. He never is. Sometimes I get out and talk to Mom, or just walk around thinking. Sometimes I think I can smell his cologne or feel him there somehow, but I know it's just wishful thinking. I keep telling myself that I should just forget about him, but there is something that won't allow me to, and I can't pinpoint what it is. Becca says I fell in love with him and just don't want to admit it. I don't believe you can fall that fast for someone. I guess I could be wrong. I worry about him as well. Something was always bothering him, and I know it was something more than just what happened with Carey. There was something he was hiding from me, something that he was afraid to tell me, or he felt he couldn't tell me. I don't know which. I didn't think he was just going to disappear, but he warned me we couldn't be anything more than friends. I guess he decided we couldn't even be that.
I get up off my couch. I need to get out of my own head. It’s become a dangerous place and I sometimes get lost in there. Tonight, I am going to have dinner at my dad's “friend’s” house. She wanted to make dinner for both of us. She seems nice and she's great for Dad. I am glad to see him happy again. I just get lonely sometimes. Dad has Elise, and Becca has Tommy. Me, I have no one, well except my baby Sam.
I get in the shower and tell myself I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. It’s stupid and selfish. Everyone has been here for me through the last, almost two months. I need to buck it up and start moving forward with my own life. I get out of the shower and feel better after scolding myself for my self-pity. I dress, feed Sam, and head out to my car. It's still too early to go to Elise’s house, so I figure I can stop and get a cold-brew coffee and maybe stop by the cemetery for a bit.
I pull up near Mom's grave and look around. It looks like I am the only person here, as I always seem to be lately. I am starting to think I might be a little weird or morbid. I don't care. Sometimes I just need my mom, and this is where I feel the closest to her. I bypass the bench and sit on the ground in front of Mom's headstone. The door to my heart rips wide open and I just let everything just pour out. I tell her everything I am feeling and how lost and alone I feel. I tell her all about Asher and how he just disappeared from my life. How I don't even know how I got so attached to someone I really don't even know. I tell her about Becca and Tommy, Dad and Elise, and how everything and everyone is just moving on. Life is still moving, and I can't seem to catch up. I feel stuck. It's like I am trapped in one spot, and I don't know where to go from here. I don't know where this chapter of my life is supposed to lead me. I let my heart empty itself right there, sitting on the warm ground, while tears roll down my face.
I feel a warm breeze wrapping around me. It's comforting, almost like a big hug. I envision my mom holding me and wiping the tears from my eyes, reassuring me everything is going to be okay. I lose myself in the moment and just let it happen. It feels so wonderful to just let go for a moment and feel this comfort. I don't know if it's real or if it's all in my head, but for this moment in time, I don't care. It's what I need more than anything.
