Page 21 of Diamonds in the Dark
“Carey, when do we get to find out what it is?” I asked as we were getting up to leave.
“I don’t know, in a few months I guess”. She answered without any enthusiasm in her voice.
When we got back to the room she laid down and fell asleep. I pulled out my laptop and started doing research on pregnancy and babies. I had a lot of learning to do. I had never been around babies growing up and knew next to nothing about them except how they were made. I found that they usually can tell the sex of the baby between sixteen and twenty weeks. I did the math and realized that meant that she should find out what it is at this appointment since she hadn’t at her last one. I feel that excitement again and this time it is more than a little, it’s a lot. It consumes me, I feel content and happy. This may not have been what we planned but we were bringing a child we had made together into this world, and I could not wait to meet him or her. I am going to be a Daddy! I wanted to yell it to the world!
That whole week passed by us in a blur. There were highs and there were lows. We didn’t argue, she just seemed to pretend that everything was okay until I brought up the baby. She would then clam up on me and avoid talking to me for hours on end. This worried me more than I let on. I was afraid she might be thinking about an abortion, but if she was, she should have already had it. I wondered if it was her hormones or something. I had no clue. I was lost as to what to do and say to her. I was hoping after the doctor’s appointment and her witnessing that I was in for the long haul, that she might come around and I would have my Carey back.
???
That Monday came at last. It was raining and foggy as we made our way to the doctor’s office. It seemed Carey’s mood was worse than ever that morning. She wouldn’t talk or look at me at all. She kept acting like I wasn’t even there. Even when I addressed her directly, she would ignore me. I was excited and wanted to talk about the baby and the doctor's appointment; she wanted nothing to do with any of it. She was wearing my patience thin. I was confused and hurt that she could act like she was acting. It didn't make sense to me. What had I done wrong? Yeah, she was the one pregnant, but why were we not allowed to discuss it? It was as if she was someone I had never met before. I knew pregnancy messed with women's hormones. I had read that online. This was something more, something I couldn't comprehend. When we pulled into the parking lot, I found a space as close to the front of the building as I could. Carey didn't even wait for me to put the car in park before she jumped out and took off jogging to the building leaving me sitting in the car alone. I sat there for a minute, needing a break from her. I didn't know what to do. Maybe I should have let her come alone, but this was my baby too and I wanted to be a part of all this. I turned the car off, got out and made my way inside to find Carey. When I got inside, she was standing at the check in window, so I walked over and stood beside her. She noticeably stiffened when she realized I was there. Why? Why is she being this way? I wondered. I was at a complete loss.
After she signed in, we sat down in the vinyl cushioned chairs that make noises every time you move the slightest bit and waited for her to be called back to see the doctor. I kept asking questions and making comments, trying to get her to come around and to engage in some kind of conversation. All the response I succeeded in getting from her was annoyed glances and grunts. I was running out of things to try. I couldn’t get through to her. I felt like I was losing her, and I didn’t even know why. I reached over for her hand, and she jerked it away from me.
“Carey? What the hell is wrong with you?” I whispered.
She just gave me another one of her annoyed glances and turned away. So, we sat there in silence until she was called to go back. I wanted to hold her and make whatever was plaguing her go away. I wanted to understand. I wanted to know if I was doing something wrong. I had no answers, and she wasn't willing to give me any.
After about thirty minutes we were finally called back, and the doctor was waiting in the room for us. He asked her several questions. I was paying close attention; I didn’t want to miss anything. He turned to me, shook my hand and congratulated me on becoming a dad. I know I smiled from ear to ear. The word dad was growing on me more and more every time I heard or thought about it. I explained to him that it was a shock to come home too, after being away at training, but I couldn’t be more excited now. I hoped Carey was listening. I wanted her to get it into her head that I was excited! While I had his attention I had to ask, “When do we get to find out what the baby is?”
The doctor picked up Carey’s chart studying it for a few minutes then said, “Probably your next visit. We usually do it around sixteen weeks or so, and if we can’t tell anything due to the position of the baby, we can try again about 20 weeks. Carey is just now twelve weeks along, so we more than likely wouldn’t be able to tell just yet. So that's something to look forward to on your next visit. Do you all want to know the gender? I know some people do and some don't.”
I looked over at Carey, focusing on her, reading every sign I had missed in her since I had been back. How had I been so stupid? She refused to look at me or in my direction. She kept her eyes focused on a flower painting across the room from where she sat. This had been what was wrong with her. This was the secret she had been keeping since I had come back home. I let it sink in for a few seconds. The doctor was still waiting on the answer to his question. I had already forgotten what he asked us. I got up and quickly thanked the doctor for his time and walked out of the room, leaving him staring after me, looking confused. I maneuvered my way around expecting mothers and nurses until I found my way to the door leading out to the waiting room. Everything was a blur. I just wanted out of there and as far away from Carey as I could get. Tears were welling up in my eyes and this, for some reason, made me even more angry. As I was about to push the door open to leave the office, I heard Carey yell my name. I turned and looked at her. She was standing there, shaking all over. “Please, Asher, don’t go,” she said, sounding almost hysterical.
I gasp at her, “Seriously, Carey? I am not the one that should be here, you should call the baby’s Daddy. He should be the one here, not me.” I turned my back on her and walked out of the waiting room door. I could hear the gasp from the people in the waiting room as the door closed behind me. Never once did I look back.
When I got outside, I let out a long sigh. The pain of what had happened started to penetrate my mind and I felt like I was going to vomit. Pure anger, like I had never felt before, started building up inside me. I hailed the first taxi I saw and climbed in, we had driven there in Carey’s car, and I wasn't riding back with her, a taxi was my only choice. I told the driver what hotel we were staying in and didn’t say another word all the way to the hotel. I sat there in the backseat marinating in the anger I was feeling, letting it consume me. I didn’t have the desire to fight it, I wanted to feel it. I hated myself for not seeing what had been in plain sight since I had been back. Every one of her actions and her attitude towards me all made perfect sense now. I had played her little game and I was a fool. When we pulled up at the hotel, I directed him to park in front of our room. I got out and I told the driver to give me five minutes and I would be back out. I ran in, grabbed what I wanted or needed. I left behind her stuff and anything of mine that would remind me of her. I locked the door to the room without giving a damn if she had taken her key or not. I took the key to the front office and told them that I didn't need the room for the rest of the week like I had originally thought. I climbed back in the cab and told the driver to take me to the base.
She didn’t have base access. That was the only defense I had from her, and I was glad for it. The next morning, I got up early and went straight to the medical office on base to be checked for all sexually transmitted diseases. I couldn’t believe any of this was happening. I was just going through the motions, dealing with what I had to deal with. Thank God, I was in the clear. I also called the phone company and had my phone number changed. That eliminated her being able to contact me in my room. As far as I was concerned, I was finished with her. I was hurt. No, not hurt…that's not a strong enough word. I am not sure there is even a word for that type of pain, but we will use devastated…I was devastated. There was no fixing what she had done to us. Everything I ever felt for her died the minute that doctor told me how far along she really was. She lied to me. She allowed me to think I was that baby's father! She had plenty of opportunities to tell me the truth, but no, she just treated me like shit and made me feel as if I was doing something wrong, when she was the one in the wrong. She cheated on me while she was supposed to be planning our wedding and got pregnant.
About a month later she called me. She had gotten my new number from someone she knew on base. She wouldn't tell me who it was that gave it to her. I was getting ready to leave for another base in a few days, so I really didn't care, it wasn't that important. I was going to a base in California and putting the entire country between us. After several minutes of her begging me to just hear her out, I decided to listen to what she had to say, even though I didn’t want to hear it, and honestly, I no longer cared. I didn’t care what her excuses were, it was finished. She became a part of my past the minute I walked out of that doctor's office, as far as I was concerned.
To make a long story short, she and one of the guys I went through basic with hooked up at the restaurant she worked at one night. He wasn’t someone I would have called a friend, more of an acquaintance, I had rarely seen him since basic. We were not training for the same job, so he wasn't a part of the group of people I generally hung out with. I didn’t care for the guy personally, even before he slept with my fiancée. She was lonely and he had just broken up with his girlfriend. They hung out after she got off work and one thing led to another. They had a two week long affair. They talked about running off and getting married and having this wonderful future together. He spoke Carey’s language. He said the exact things she loved to hear. I hate to say it, but she was easy to get to. I should have heeded that warning I was given the night I met her. Anyway, he left her after 2 weeks and got back together with his ex. When she had contacted him about being pregnant, he had laughed at her and asked her how the hell was he to know the baby was his? Hell, she had slept with him after only knowing him for 2 hours and hung up on her. She was sorry she had played the baby off as mine. She had thought it might work, but when I started insisting on going to the doctor with her, she knew it was only a matter of time before I figured it all out. That's why she was so mad at me, I ruined her plan. She didn't want to lose me. After she finished explaining herself, I told her goodbye and good luck in life. She begged me to come and see her before I left. She was hoping we could talk and work things out. I informed her “we” were over. I would never be able to trust her. I didn’t want a girlfriend or a wife I couldn’t trust with my whole heart. She started crying and I hung up. That was the last time I ever spoke to Carey. A few days later I was on the other side of the country trying to put the past behind me.
Two weeks later I got a call from a guy that had been my roommate before I left. He was calling because he wanted to let me know that Carey had committed suicide. She had overdosed on some kind of pills. He didn’t know what the pills were that she took. He had heard people talking about it when he had gone to the restaurant she worked at for lunch. He had thought I would want to know.
As horrible as this will sound, I wish even to this day that he had never called and told me.”
Chapter 16
Gwen
I wait a few minutes before I speak to make sure he has finished. I am struggling to process everything he just told me. How could any woman be that cruel? That was just a nasty thing to do to anyone. I can still see lingering traces of the pain on his face. Him ripping open this Pandora’s box has busted open old wounds that were never entirely healed in the first place. I squeeze his hand. “Asher, I am so sorry. You didn’t have to tell me all of that. I wish I hadn’t pushed you to continue.” I feel guilty that I pushed him forward, letting my curiosity get the best of me. I should have stopped him. I feel responsible for the pain he is now enduring.
He looks over at me and attempts a half smile, “Gwen, I am thankful it was you that I finally told it all to. Maybe it was time to let it all out. It has taken me long enough to speak about it to anyone aloud. God knows I have had it packed away inside me for far too long. I have allowed it to cripple and control me all of these years. Maybe by opening up about it all today will help set me free from it. For a long time, I blamed myself for Carey killing herself, but I know it wasn't my fault. It was a bunch of her own mistakes and consequences that led to it. If I could go back and change my reaction to the situation I wouldn't. I could never have trusted her again and after what she did, I lost all of the love I felt for her. It wasn't just the fact she cheated on me, it was that she led me to believe that the baby was mine and treated me like shit while I was trying everything I could to stand by her side.”
I have a million questions I want to ask him, but I think it’s time to give his heart and mind a break, so I bite my tongue. I realize the living room is semi-dark and look out the window. It's almost dusk. I can't believe how much time passed by while Asher was telling me about Carey! I hear my stomach growl from lack of food. I don’t remember when I ate last. Asher looks over at me and says, “I think your stomach is wanting food, Gwen.” and laughs.
I laugh as well and ask him if he would like me to make us some sandwiches.
“I have several types of lunch meat and some chips in the kitchen. I would cook a nice dinner for us, but to be honest I am hungry and want something now, not to mention I am still working on learning to cook. Anything more complicated than spaghetti is a challenge to me,” I laugh.
“Yeah, sure. I am not really hungry, but I can try to eat something and then I will head out. I have taken up your entire day telling you my sob story. I am sorry, that was not my intention when I came here today,” he mumbles.
“I just wanted to stop and check on you and make sure you were okay,” he adds.
I laugh.” You’re not leaving after dinner, unless you have unchangeable plans. We are going to pop some popcorn and watch something on television or watch a movie, your choice. We are going to erase our sob stories and enjoy the rest of the night,” I say, mesmerizing myself with my own boldness.
