Page 50 of A Matter of Time
“Because we keep doing this. We keep running before we’ve walked. You could come to my bed now, but I don’t know what it would mean. I think we both need to take a step back, think about everything that was said tonight, and decide what we want. Because I can’t do this part-way with you, Cam. You aren’t casual to me, and you never have been.”
His hands dropped as he took a step back, and as I turned to face him, I could see the conflict playing out on his face. He knew I was right, even if our bodies were both screaming otherwise. The evidence of his arousal was clear, and my heart pounded, fuelling the steady pulse between my legs.
But before I fell into his arms again, before I Iet myself believe our story might not be over yet, I needed to know what he wanted. We’d talked through the past, but we still needed to sort out the present, and maybe even the future too, and I didn’t want to rush it.
At length, Cam nodded. “I understand, Sugar. You aren’t casual to me either. If we’re going to do this again, we’re going to do it right.”
That was exactly what I was hoping for, even if I wasn’t ready to admit it to anyone just yet, not even myself.
“I’ll see you in the office tomorrow.” He took my hand, pressing it to his lips like an old-fashioned gentleman before he turned and headed back down the hall, letting himself out.
My tea went cold as I continued to sit there in the lingering scent of his cologne and the dim midnight light. As much as I wanted him to be sure, I needed to be sure too. Could I really give Cam my heart again?
Or, as seemed far more likely, was there a part of it that had never left his keeping?
~Cam~
Sleep refused to come when I got home, even though I knew I had to get up in the morning for work. After everything that just happened, my mind wouldn’t turn off, so I went down to the gym in my building instead, running on the treadmill to burn off my excess energy as I tried to sort through what I felt and what I thought about everything that had been said between us that night.
She apologized. After six very long years, Tonia Callahan actually looked me in the eye and said she was sorry.
So many things she said were a surprise to me. I never knew that she’d had any doubts about us going the distance; honestly, I didn’t. All through high school, I just assumed we were going to get married and be together forever. I thought she felt that too, but instead of certainty on my part, she saw single-mindedness and rigidity, and she was afraid it would one day work against her.
And it did, though not in the way she thought. It worked against us both when I refused to see things from her point of view and try to understand why she reacted the way she did. I only saw her lack of trust in me; I didn’t see the crack that I’d caused first by that stupid lie I told.
So, when I sat there in her apartment and told her I was sorry, I truly meant it. Maybe that was why, after all that time, she said it too. Those two simple words were all I’d wanted, and with them, I finally felt like the scars of the past were truly starting to heal.
Not to mention that I could definitely tease her later about the fact that I said it first, if we did get back together.If we did get back together…
Was that really a possibility? Even after the incredible sex we had the other night, I didn’t let myself go there in my mind. I couldn’t set myself up for that kind of disappointment if we weren’t on the same page.
However, when she sent me away earlier that night, when she stopped me from kissing her even though I felt sure she wanted me as much as I wanted her, she did it so that wecouldreally think this through. So, what if I did let myself think about it, if I stopped to ask myself if I wanted to be with her again?
With sweat dripping down the back of my neck, my lungs burning and my muscles protesting the punishing pace I’d set myself, I didn’t see how I could deny it.
Of course I wanted to be with Tonia. I always had, from that very first kiss out on the dirt road, and even before then.
From the very first time we met, something about her drew me in. With her, everything felt stronger, brighter, and a little more real. The past ten days, ever since she pushed that restroom door open onto my toe on Monday morning last week, my emotions had been all over the place. I’d felt a hundred different things, been exhausted and invigorated, angry and scared, but not for one second had I felt the least bit apathetic.
Nothing was ever boring with Tonia around.
Yes, she had her flaws, and yes, she’d made mistakes, but I’d made mistakes too and I sure as hell knew I wasn’t perfect either.
Was it crazy to think we could pick up right where we left off? We certainly had in the bedroom. Although I’d been with other women while we were apart, when I was inside her, I honestly couldn’t remember how it felt with anyone else.
There must have been changes in her life over the last six years, but everything I’d seen over the last week and a half told me that deep down, she was still the same person, just a little older and wiser. And if we worked back then, why the hell wouldn’t we work now that we’d finally made amends?
By the time the machine came to a rest at the end of the cycle I’d programmed, I’d made up my mind: I wanted to give us a shot. Not casually, not part way; I wanted Tonia to be mine, and I would tell her so.
Until then, I just had to hope that she didn’t have one of her trademark changes of mood before I could get the words out.
My alarm in the morning should have been unwelcome considering I had no more than four hours’ sleep, but I sprang out of bed as if I’d had a full night’s sleep. I left my apartment early, in plenty of time to stop off for a blueberry muffin for the woman I had a meeting with first thing that morning. We were supposed to be working on my organizational methods, but I hoped we could talk about us instead.
Making small talk with my colleagues felt like torture as my head turned to the door every time someone came in, hoping to see Tonia’s blonde head at the door, but as it ticked closer to nine o’clock, there was still no sign of her.
Everyone drifted to their own desks and I went to my office as well, pulling out my phone to make sure I had no missed message. I’d made sure to fully charge my phone overnight, but nothing waited for me there. The reminder about my appointment popped up as I logged into my computer, and I frowned as I looked over at the door again.
Tonia was never late. Something must be wrong.
