Page 33 of A Matter of Time
Together, Tonia and I could do anything, and although I knew she’d be angry with me that I hadn’t told her before, my prevailing feeling as I walked home in the early morning sunshine was one of relief. I couldn’t wait to get it all out in the open and get rid of the gnawing feeling in my stomach that had been plaguing me ever since the day I caught Marley shoplifting in the store. After Tonia ranted and raved at me and called me an idiot, which she certainly would, then we could move on to solving the problem together, just as we always did.
For that reason, I’d told Marley not to say a word to anyone. I didn’t want her to tell people she was going to prom with me and then have to take it back when it didn’t happen. I didn’t want her to lose face.
However, by the time I’d stopped off at home, gotten myself ready for the day, and made it to school, things had already gotten out of hand. Marley had blabbed, Tonia heard about it, and all hell broke loose.
I did end up taking Marley to prom, but only because Tonia broke up with me. It had been one of the most miserable nights of my life, but I suffered through it and took the pictures for Marley and her mom, only because Tonia broke my heart by believing that I would ever do that to her in the first place. She never even gave me a chance to explain, and after the shock had worn off, indignation took it place. Begging had never been in my DNA; if she wanted to know what happened and why I’d done it, she could come and apologize to me first.
After six long years, I thought she finally had.
So, in the delicate moment after we had sex, in the stillness of my bedroom with no sound but our heavy breathing as we both tried to find our equilibrium again, I tried to think of the right thing to say. A hundred different things were considered and rejected before I decided on the words that finally came out of my mouth.
“Well, that was one hell of an apology.”
Admitting she’d made a mistake had never come easy to Tonia, so I didn’t want it to make her uncomfortable. I thought by making light of it, by letting her know that I got the message even if she hadn’t actually said the words out loud, it would help to keep her at ease.
Instead, she jumped up and ran out, claiming I’d missed the point and that it hadn’t been an apology at all. Then what the hell was it? If she was still so angry with me, why did she have sex with me? She told me I didn’t get it, and on that point, we were in complete agreement.
Just when I thought we might actually be able to move on, she yanked the rug back out from under me, and I couldn’t keep giving her a chance to do it again. At some point, I had to accept that she and I were simply not meant to be.
I thought I had accepted it before, but the ease with which I fell right back into thinking about her, caring about her, and fucking her, made it clear I wasn’t as over her as I thought.
I would have to try harder.
So, when she showed up at my office door at twenty minutes before nine the next morning, looking downright sinful in a red lacy top and a black-and-white checked skirt, her blonde hair pulled back in a professional bun, asking if we could talk before the work day started, I did the only thing I could: I turned her down.
“I don’t think there’s anything to talk about. You made things pretty clear last night, Sugar. We made a mistake.”
Even repeating the word stung, but she’d called it exactly that. I was only following her script.
Tonia glanced over her shoulder before taking a few steps further into my office and lowering her voice. “Look, Cam, I know running out on you was childish. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t expect that to happen when I came over, and I didn’t expect… well, I didn’t expect it to be like that. And then you brought the past back into it, and I just… I needed some time to process things.”
It took fighting against every instinct I had to stick to my resolution to let go of the foolish hope that rose inside me, wondering what she might have decided, but in the end, I stuck to my guns. For my heart’s sake, I had to.
“You leaving gave me some time to process things too. Seems to me we were both doing just fine for ourselves until we ended up working together. We said we’d keep it professional, and we’ve both failed: me by coming down to Corpus Christi last weekend and you by coming to my apartment last night. We’re both to blame, but it doesn’t mean we can’t do better. We’re capable of keeping this professional for the next two and a half weeks if we really try, so unless you’re here to talk to me about business, then I respectfully decline the offer of a conversation.”
Her lips set to a thin line as she stared at me from across my desk. “Don’t be so stubborn, Bailey.”
I had to laugh. “Is that really a word you should be throwing around at other people, Sugar?”
That only made her jaw clench harder before she muttered under her breath, “I should have known better.” Turning on her heel, she headed out the door.
She’d summed it up precisely: I should have known better too. We both should have. Maybe one day, we finally would.
~Tonia~
My blood simmered just below the boiling point as I walked out of Cam’s office and out of the office entirely. I needed some air.
Why did he always have to be so bullheaded? Always so damn sure that he was in the right, no matter what the situation.
I had actually shown up early that morning ready to admit I owed him an apology; not for six years ago, but for the night before. I shouldn’t have left like I did, but at the moment, it really felt like the only option. How was I supposed to talk to him about what happened and what I felt if I didn’t understand it myself?
Did what Marley told me change what happened all those years ago? The answer to that couldn’t be easily pinned down. The answer included both yes and no.
It meant a lot to know he hadn’t been cheating on me. I had never been able to fully reconcile that with the boy I loved, so I was relieved to know my judgement hadn’t been that flawed. On top of that, I could respect what he’d been doing for Marley. Not many people would have done the same, and to do it for someone he didn’t even really know before it all started was just one more example of what made him such a good, decent human being.
But why didn’t he trust me enough to tell me the truth? And more than that, once he knew what I thought had happened, why didn’t he ever correct me? Why did he let me believe the worst of him, and let me believe I was the kind of girl that a kind of guy like him would cheat on?
Why didn’t he fight for me? Why didn’t he fight forus?
