Page 14 of Frost Bitten
Corey’s tears bring me out of my reverie, hearing him cry is something I’ve never experienced. “Fuck that, I’d gladly give up my career to save her from that fate. I can find something else. My next medal and next sponsorship aren’t worth her life being handed over to a perverted asshole,” he wails, dropping to his knees on the floor.
Bast crouches down beside him, clapping him on the back gently. “We won’t let her go, I promise.”
“Yeah, bro,” Dom reassures as he sits up and focuses on the blatant display of emotion Corey exhibits.
“Guys,” I begin slowly, not sure of what I need to say but knowing I need to speak up. “I’m sorry. I know I need to apologize to Cait too, but first, I need to apologize to you. I convinced you all that I was right, at least to the point that we needed to leave her behind. Because I argued that fact, she’s mad at us all and not just me. So, since I’m here now, I’m asking for you to forgive me. I… I’m not sure where to begin with Cait, but I know you guys, and I’m at the point where I know I was wrong, and my actions caused way too many problems to count. Just know I’m in this for real. At least to keep her safe.”
The room freezes, and every single one of those assholes turns and looks at me like I grew another head. “What? I know when I’m wrong. I’m man enough to admit it.”
“We aren’t doubting your ability to admit you are wrong, dude,” Dom states with a confused tone underlying his words. “We just weren’t expecting your pledge of dedication to her. You were so anti-Cait two weeks ago; I guess it’s just surprising, that’s all.”
I sit there thinking about the words I just uttered, and it’s all a little surreal. “I get it. I guess I’ve just seen that I was obviously wrong about her. There is no reason to further prevent her from getting close to you guys, to us. My whole thing was that I thought she was hiding something. Well, I don’t know how wrong I was about that, but it wasn’t something she was doing on purpose. I was concerned that she was going to hurt us, and yes, we’re hurting, but that’s more my fault than hers.”
Corey takes a shuddering breath before climbing to his feet. He pulls me up as well, from my position on the couch, and wraps me in a tight hug. “I get it, bro. We’ll fix it. We’ll protect her, but you’ve got to make your own amends, too.”
* * *
I nod stiffly in his embrace, acknowledging his words. As my eyes begin to sting from the emotions that overwhelm me, I squeeze Corey just a bit tighter before releasing him. I quickly say goodbye, excusing myself to head home to shower, and I duck my head to avoid their eyes.
All night, my mind is torn to shreds. I can’t focus on anything, and even after showering, I’m too restless to sleep. I can’t figure out what is wrong. Climbing out of bed, I wander around in the dark, eventually making my way down the stairs of the house I live in with my dad. Yeah, I’m old enough to have my own place, but this house is more than big enough to allow us both to live here with privacy. It’s not as big as Bast’s, but Dad makes good money, and we moved in here about ten years ago, shortly after I met the guys.
I find myself in the kitchen, so I grab a bottle of water from the fridge before I head out onto the back porch. Standing in the cold night air shocks my body, and while I didn’t need to be woken up anymore at midnight, I feel like the chill washes my thoughts. It clears my mind, and I know within minutes what I need to do to feel at peace. I run back inside and up to my room to gather a hoodie and shoes to throw on over the sweatpants I pulled on earlier, and I grab my phone and keys. Once in my Cayenne, I send off a quick message, praying for a reply. When it comes through, my heart races, and I turn the car on quickly and shift to drive away.
Not fifteen minutes later, I’m pulling into the quiet parking lot. I pull up to the building I was directed to and send a message. While I’m waiting for the person I texted to step outside, I think back to the last two weeks and how much of a clusterfuck I’ve been. When the door I’m watching opens, I take a deep breath and step outside too.
The scene in front of me is something I’d never thought I’d see. Cait, wrapped up in a warm blanket, looks completely at peace with her life, even though it’s crumbling around her. She’s determined to survive, and seeing how strong her presence is in the face of adversity, inspires my own strength to do what I came here for. I approach her slowly, and looks of suspicion and apathy wash back and forth over her face. As I step in close to her, I hesitate, not knowing the exact words to say. All I know is that I feel the demanding need totryto communicate my regret.
“Cait, I…” I gesture with my hands, willing the words to come from my mouth. My eyes meet her stormy gray ones, and my heart rips in two. She’s waiting, patiently, for me to say whatever I have to say. Her graciousness knows no bounds, as she waits here in the cold air. My mind reels from the emotions I’ve experienced this past week, and now that I know she’s willing to hear me out, I feel like I’m not worthy to ask for forgiveness. She’s just toogood, too kind. We don’t deserve her;Idon’t deserve her.
I sink to my knees on the ground. The weight of everything I’ve done compounds, weighing on my shoulders. My hands fall open, resting on my knees, and the words “I’m sorry” escape me in a whisper. My head hangs, and as a hand rests on my shoulder, my vision blurs. The sting of unshed tears is foreign; before tonight, I can’t remember the last time I teared up, and here it’s happened twice within hours. The fact remains that this time, I can’t hold them back.
“Cameron,” she whispers, stepping up to me and rubbing my back gently. “Cam, look at me.” I tilt my head up, ashamed of the tears, but more so of my behavior leading up to this night. I reach up to her slim waist, hugging her close to me. “Oh, honey,” she says, compassion filling her tone as she cradles my head against her stomach.
“I can’t, I can’t live with the fact that I allowed this to happen,” I lament, unable to hold back. “I’m so sorry, Cait. I have no excuse for my behavior, but all I know is that I was trying to protect my friend. All of my friends, to be honest. They are all falling for you, and I’m worried about them getting hurt when you choose just one. I finally see how amazing you are, and I’m worried when you do choose, it will tear us all apart.”
“Cam,” she says, unwrapping me from around her and dropping to her knees to meet me eye to eye. “I won’t let that happen. I won’t allow the guys to get hurt. I’m not sure how; I don’t even know where to go, moving forward from all of this. But I’m not about to walk in and try to separate you all. My heart was broken, and I need time to heal. But I promise you, I won’t create a rift between you.”
My heart breaks into smaller pieces at her words, crushing my resolve, and all of a sudden I get it. I finally get that she has all of our hearts in mind, and she’s not working some angle. She truly wants this, to be happy. This woman is too good for any of us, we don’t deserve to even call her our friend. Bast was right, we need to stand by her, and support her while this crazy stalker is after her.
She clasps my hands in hers, stares dead into my eyes, and continues. “While I get that you are regretful for what has happened, that doesn’t mean I’ll be able to forgive you right away. I’ve dealt with so much these last few weeks, and your actions did more than end up causing me physical harm. You caused me to feel betrayed by those who I’d begun to trust. You, yourself, were a dick to me at times. I did nothing to earn that treatment. So, I accept your apology, but my forgiveness and trust will take a while to earn back. I truly don’t wish you any hurt feelings, I know you were only being protective of those you love. That reason alone is why I’ll work toward forgiving you. But, I swear, Cam, come at me one more time, for anything, and you will be dead to me. And if that causes issues with your friends – if you start shit with me, and I cut you off, andthatcauses stress in your friendship with the guys… That will all be on you.”
Fuck.I stare at her, my mouth agape at what she just said. This woman has changed so much in the last week or so. She went from fragile, almost broken, to damaged but strong. She fortified herself in the fires of trauma and was hardened by the strength of standing on her own. She is a force to respect, demanding it this time around. I’d be a fool to mistake her honesty for weakness. She stands, turns slowly, and walks back up the steps, and once on the landing, she looks back at me. My dumbass is still kneeling on the ground, staring after her like she’s some miraculous vision – which,let’s be honest, she is– beforeturning back and going inside her apartment. The cold autumn night is eerily silent, and I can hear the deadbolt and chain lock behind the door, and yet I still stare after her. I stand up slowly, eyes still on that door, and move backward to my SUV. As I open the door and climb inside, I can’t help but come to a new realization.
This woman is a polar vortex; fuck all who stand in her way.
NINE
CAIT
What an insane week, I think to myself as I drive home from a random Friday night closing shift at Lift. As I pull up to the parking space open in front of our building, I can’t wait to climb into my big,newbed. Putting my Jeep into park, I begin to consider what the last few days have been like.
I think the dinner went fine. I wasn’t surprised to be approached by everyone but Cam that night. All of the other guys seemed extremely remorseful during the dinner and my little speech; Corey was even distraught. I hate that all of this happened. I hate that they are dealing with guilt for something they never wanted to happen. But at the same time, fuck them. I can’t believe they were just going to walk away and leave me by myself. But that’s over, and while I’ve accepted their apologies and forgiven them, they have a lot to do to rebuild the broken parts of me that they’ve hurt.
I was actually shocked later that night when Cam texted me. I’ve never seen that man on his knees, but damn was it a pretty sight to see. He did appear to be broken and regret oozed from his eyes, both in emotion and literal tears. Considering he is arrogant and entitled, having him fall to his knees in an apology was impressive. I mean, I’d love to have that man on his knees for any reason, but to beg for forgiveness? I wasn’t completely callous, though. I reassured him I didn’t think he was evil. But fuck that, he’s got about five times as much work to do to earn my trust and respect back after the shit he pulled.
I finally got in to see a new therapist. Dr. Francis is an expert psychiatrist in trauma and PTSD and came highly recommended by Ella’s brother. The first visit was the day after the dinner, and Cameron’s subsequent confession and begging for forgiveness, so already I had a lot to unpack. That first session went extremely well, and for the fact that I could give my history of trauma and not break down, I was pleasantly surprised. Dr. F was impressed too, and we set up a schedule of twice a week to work on past and present issues. She feels working on both concurrently will help my ability to link the trauma and be able to work through it. I hope so because I want to move past this point in my life. I thought our transfer to Golden was going to be a fresh start, but it has only seemed to open up old wounds. I’m ready to be my own person, to move beyond what is holding me back. The ghosts of my past aren’t allowing me to move on and even though it’s making me angry, I feel like I’m drowning in exhaustion. I still struggle with the nightmares; only now does the person following me in my dreams have a face. Now that I know that it was Jason all along. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. I have all of the memories from his despicable actions rushing to the surface when I’m least expecting it.
All of that has been an awful burden to bear. I’ve been struggling with my mental health, trying to stay as strong on the inside as I seem to appear on the outside.
