Page 55 of Then and Now
“Wait. Don’t go,” I whisper yell, trying not to wake Violet. “We need to talk about this.”
“I can’t Leo, I can’t talk about it. Not right now. Please, just give me some time.”
I grab her arms. “Don’t leave me, Serena. You don’t want to lose me, well, the feeling’s mutual. I can’t lose you again, so please don’t leave.”
Finally her eyes meet mine, and the mixture of love and anguish in them kills me.
“I…I’m not leaving you. Not like before. I just need to breathe, to focus on the studio.”
“What about us?” I demand, not willing to let her leave without some sort of guarantee this isn’t history repeating itself with Serena running from me before some imaginary thing can drive us apart.
“I don’t know.”
Suddenly, I’m filled with anger. Not directed at Serena, but at the younger version of myself who let her walk away the first time. Who allowed these feelings of defeat and failure to fester inside of her, making her who she is today — someone who, apparently, doesn’t think she deserves love or to be loved.
“My heart is big enough and full of enough love — more than enough — for you and Violet. It’s different now, sure. But you are no less important to me just because I have a kid. If anything, watching you with her makes youmoreimportant because you mean something, not just to me, but also to her. So don’t run away, Tippy. Please. I’ll give you some time, but what you and I have is not going anywhere. Not ever again.”
She nods, licking her lips.
“Promise me. Promise me you won’t run.”
There’s a beat of painful silence.
“I promise I won’t run. But Leo, how do I know there’s truly enough room for me in your life and you won’t abandon me? How do I trust that?”
“By trustingme.You said you did that night in your apartment. Did you mean it?”
“I…I…I don’t know. Yes? I don’t know anything right now.” Her breath catches on a sob, and I yank her into my arms.
“I’ll wait for you to figure it out, Tippy. For you to find your way to the truth, which is us. This.” I gesture back to Violet. “The three of us. Vi and I will be waiting for you to be ready.”
But as I watch her walk away, I can’t help but wonder if I just lied to her.
What if she never figures it out? What if she never realizes I’m here for her and that our love is real? Can I wait forever for something that might never happen?
On the other hand, how can I not?
My foot kicks a nearby rock in frustration. Then another. The only thing that keeps me from taking all of my anger out on whatever I can find is the knowledge that my little girl is asleep nearby.
It always comes back to Violet.
Which is exactly what Serena is worried about.
And I don’t have a goddamn clue what to do about it.
“Hey, baby girl, you like Rena, right?” I tuck the blankets closely around Violet, stroking back some hair from her face.
She gives me a sleepy nod. “Mm-hmm.”
I’ve thought about how to make this clear for a three year old, and now it’s time to give it my best shot.
“Daddy likes Rena, too. What if she came over here more, maybe had sleepovers and breakfast with us. What if we went out the three of us a bunch more. Would you like that?”
Violet’s eyes widen. “Yes!”
I can’t hold back my smile. “That’s good, kiddo. I want that, too. Maybe we can ask her tomorrow if she wants to have dinner with us this weekend.”
“Otay, Daddy.” Her eyes are drooping as I lean down and give her a soft kiss, then tiptoe out of her room.
