Page 46 of The Devil's Reward
Shadow’s eyes are stormy. “Did he at least help you when you were sick?” he asks quietly.
I shake my head. “He never said anything, but he would glare at me a lot, especially when I was throwing up and constantly exhausted.”
“Did he ever hurt you, Quinn?” he asks, his voice calm, but I can hear the danger lurking underneath. Like he’s ready to go and dig up my husband, bring him back, and beat him bloody if he did. It’s a heady thought.
“Words hurt more than fists,” I say sadly. “He never raised a hand to me, but he would make comments about my weight once I started showing, tell me I was lazy and I couldn’t do anything right because I couldn’t bend over anymore, or when I would get sick from certain smells. He was nice when people were around, but once we were alone, it was different.”
“Sorry, Quinn, but he sounds like a real bastard,” Shadow growls.
I nod. “He was. I got tired of it around month seven. My ankles were so swollen. I’d just graduated from school with my degree, and he only showed up because it was expected. He was pissed he had to come to my graduation because his buddies were going out golfing and my ceremony meant he couldn’t go. I told him he needed to suck it up and be there for me like I had been for him. We got into a fight, and I left and stayed with my parents for the night. They said if I wanted to leave, they would always have space for me and the baby. The next day, after spending a night thinking about everything that happened, Bobby told me they were shipping him out early for another tour. I hate to say it, but I was relieved.”
“Nothing to be sorry about. Sounds like he did you a favor.”
I give him a sad smile. “I knew he wouldn’t be home for the birth, and that was okay. He didn’t want to be there anyway, and I am not one of those people who hoped once he saw her he would change his mind. I talked to my parents and I told them that after the baby was born, I would file for divorce. I didn’t want Macy to grow up in a home where she wasn’t wanted. Before he left, he said some mean things that really hurt, but I just let it go. I knew I wasn’t going to have to put up with him for too much longer. Then, just a few weeks after she was born, two Officers showed up at the door of the apartment and I knew he was gone.”
Shadow scooches his chair closer to me and holds my hand tighter. “I hope you’re not beating yourself up about how things ended, Quinn,” he admonishes. “You know none of it was your fault.”
I give him a brittle smile. “But that wasn’t the end, only the start of my nightmare,” I whisper. His brow furrows in confusion. I guess it’s time to tell him the truth, and I stiffen my shoulders before I start. Being a former soldier, he’ll understand why this is hard. Maybe that’s why I feel comfortable telling him. “It turns out, Bobby wasn’t killed in action as they originally told me. About a week later, I received a message from one of his buddies, and with it was a picture.
“It was a suicide note from Bobby. A note the government never wanted me to see. The note explained that the reason he killed himself was that he got in too deep, selling American secrets and technology to the enemy.” Shadow hisses out a breath. “I was in shock. It made no sense. Apparently, the note fell under his bed so it was missed when they found him. He killed himself in the barracks while everyone was out doing patrols and he stayed back to do some paperwork. He hung himself because he didn’t want to call attention to himself with a gunshot.”
“He told you that in the letter?” Shadow asks tightly.
I nod. My eyes grow wet as I remember reading it. The horror I felt. The horror I still feel. “He said that he was sorry because it would mean I wouldn’t get any of his benefits once they found out the truth, but that I had my family to help me. Said that he hoped his kid would be okay, but that it was my job to see to it. Told me that hopefully I would find a man who would put up with me being a quiet mouse with no personality, but I was pretty enough, so it shouldn’t be too much of a hardship.” The words are sour in my mouth and I have to stop and take a deep breath.
Shadow takes advantage of my silence, lifts off his chair slightly, and then scoops me up in his arms, making me squeak in surprise as I instinctively wrap my arms around his neck to steady myself as he sits back down, me in his lap, and holds me tight against him. I’m too shocked to say anything, but I quickly drop my arms, clasping my hands in my lap.
Oh. My. God. I’m sitting on Shadow’s lap.His lap!I can feel the firmness of his thighs under my butt, even through my yoga pants and his jeans. His chest and arms are equally solid, and I have to hold myself still to keep from burying my face in his neck to breathe him in deep.
“I’m so sorry, gorgeous,” Shadow murmurs, holding me close, hand moving up and down my back soothingly. His face is close to mine and I look into his eyes, my own wide and my face aflame. “Fuck, I wish he was still alive, I’d kill him myself for saying that shit to you. For doing that to you.”
“It was hard,” I murmur. “Especially once the note was given to his commanders. They showed up at my apartment, pissed that I knew about the letter, but since it was addressed to me, there wasn’t much they could do. They demanded to search the apartment, but since it wasn’t on base, they had no jurisdiction. I had already searched, and I found all kinds of things Bobby hid in the apartment. He kept a secret safe in the ceiling, some things in old coffee cans at the back of the cupboards, and even a little book of all his contacts, their names, what he gave them, and what he was paid in return. That one, he hid in Macy’s room. Under her crib mattress. He must have hid it before he left, because I had only just set up the nursery days before he did. And I only found the book by accident when I had to change the sheets after she had an explosion.”
“Fucker,” he snarls, jaw clenching.
I nod. “I probably could have forgiven him eventually, but after that, after he used her nursery that way to hide his dirty secrets, I knew it would never happen. So I gave them everything I had found and told them if they needed to do a full search, they would have to come back with a warrant. Being a civilian, their hands were tied, and they knew it. They were not happy and tried to get me to sign all kinds of non-disclosure agreements, but I refused.
“From there it was a year of heartache, with them serving me warrant after warrant to check our apartment for more hidden objects. They never found any. I thought about moving, but I didn’t have the strength. I was dealing with the government, the military, the police, and a newborn while trying to start a new career. Finally, my family hired a lawyer since I didn’t have the funds, and they handled everything. By that point, though, the damage was done. My husband was known as a traitor, so I was one by association. His buddies were constantly telling me it was my fault. That I drove him to it with my nagging. That if I had aborted my baby he wouldn’t have been pissed enough to betray his country and off himself.”
“Fucking assholes,” Shadow snarls. He’s truly pissed now.
I nod. “I’d have never made it without my family. I finally moved away, because I knew if I didn’t, it wouldn’t stop. Every once in a while I’ll get messages, but I ignore them. The military swept it under the rug, kept his benefits, and finally left me alone, but not before making me question everything about my life, my marriage, and who I was as a person.” I take a deep breath. “So, yeah, I’m probably not a good bet. I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t want to go out tomorrow. This is a lot to process.”
I hold my breath, waiting for his answer.
TWENTY-FIVE
SHADOW
Something is simmering under the surface, just waiting to be ignited.
I’m so pissed that it’s taking everything in me not to lose my shit right now. The things Quinn has been subjected to are atrocious. Between her ex and the military, I’m shocked she’s not a complete wreck. That she’s still as gentle and good as she is. I’ve known men who would crumble under that kind of pressure and scrutiny.
That kind of betrayal.
I probably overstepped when I picked her up and put her on my lap, but there was no way I couldn’t hold her as she told me her story. Hearing the pain and sadness in her voice. She was trying to sound so brave and strong, but then I saw the tears and that was the end of it. Every protective instinct inside me rose hard and fast, and I didn’t question it. She hasn’t slapped me in the face so I’ll take that as a sign that she’s okay with this. For now, anyway.
Now she’s doubting that we should go out tomorrow. After what she’s told me, no way am I going to cancel. She’s had far too many people let her down, especially men, and that’s stopping now. And I’m not letting Macy be affected either, if I can help it. I’ll never tell her what a scumbag her father was, but she may figure it out on her own when she’s older.
