Page 98 of The Devil's Reward
I stalk downstairs, past everyone in the common room, and out the door. I need air. I need to get out of here before I explode. My emotions are so raw right now that I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience. I haven’t felt this way since I came home, teamless and untethered. I got medals for bravery, sure, but it was little comfort. Just like now. I’m working hard to keep Quinn and Macy safe, but it is little consolation when I realize my actions and my past might be the reason she leaves.
Fuck, I’ve screwed up. I should have been honest with her from the beginning. Just like Viper said. Then again, maybe she wouldn’t have given me a chance in the first place. Either way, it’s a shit situation and I don’t know what to do.
Not only have I lost a brother, but I’m on my way to losing the woman that is my reason for living. It’s probably crazy for me to feel that way, but it is what it is. I won’t apologize for it. Every military person needs a reason to keep going, and even more so when you’re out. And Quinn is my reason. Macy is my reason.
I’m going to have to work to make her want to stay, but that’s what I’m going to do. No matter what. I’ll beg, plead, anything.
“I take it she saw the photo,” Viper says quietly as he comes to stand beside me. He doesn’t touch me, just stands next to me on the front porch, staring out at the driveway and the trees beyond. I give a curt nod, not trusting myself to speak right now. I’ve said all I wanted to say and I don’t need to rehash it. “And she’s pissed?”
“More than,” I say tightly. “I fucked up, Viper. I should have listened to you.”
He shrugs. “We’re men, we mess shit up all the time. What matters is that you’re there for her, that you make it right. Assuming you want to, that is?” He looks at me questioningly. I nod, because of course I do. “Then you work hard to fix it. Doesn’t matter what shit you have to do, you work until it’s where you’re both happy again.”
“And if I can’t? If she won’t give me a chance?” Just the thought makes my stomach cramp and my chest hurt, but I say the words anyway.
“You’re not a quitter, brother,” he says after a moment. “All of us know that when you want something, you go after it like a dog with a bone. So do the same here. If she’s worth it, if you want her as your Old Lady and that little girl as your own, then you do whatever you have to to make it happen and make her realize that you’re with herfor her, not because of who she looks like.”
I wish it were so simple, but he’s right. I need to make Quinn see that I want her for her, not because of Sam. Quinn is my future, and I’ll spend every day for the rest of my life proving that to her.
The door behind us opens and I glance over my shoulder to find Sniper. “Either of you want to help me pick out something for Hammer to wear for his funeral? Bullet’s scolding Rose at the moment because she got out of bed and went up to talk to your woman.”
“Damn stubborn woman,” Viper gripes. “She shouldn’t be out of bed.”
Sniper shrugs. “She gets a plan in her head and she just does it.” He looks at me. “You good?”
“Not unless you can tell me how to keep her from leaving,” I answer tiredly.
“She’ll come around,” he says. “Rose has a way of making people see the other side. Come help me with Hammer and take your mind off it.” I sigh and nod.
“I’ll keep an eye on Macy and Syn,” Viper offers. “And see if I can coax your woman out with us.”
“Thanks, brother,” I say gruffly as I follow Sniper back inside.
“Shadow,” Macy calls excitedly, making me turn to look at her, a smile pulling at my face despite my mood. She’s standing there with both dogs at her side, hair still everywhere and her pajamas speckled with syrup, but she looks happy. “Look,” she says proudly, putting her hand on both dogs’ heads. “They’re almost as tall as me. Isn’t that crazy?”
“It is,” I agree. “You’re small enough to ride them.”
She giggles. “You don’t ride dogs, silly. You ride ponies.”
“My mistake. I need to go and help Sniper with something,” I tell her as I gesture to the other man waiting patiently at the bottom of the stairs. “Until your Mom comes down, make sure you stay with the dogs and Syn okay?”
“And me, Pipsqueak,” Viper says with a big grin. “I’ll be around too.”
She stares up at Viper thoughtfully. “You’re really tall,” she remarks. “I think you’d be too big to ride a pony.”
He laughs. “I think you’re right. I might be able to ride a horse though.”
Macy nods her head, accepting that. “Come on, Loki. Come on, Ebony, let’s go play.” Both dogs turn with her and head back towards where Syn is standing, talking to King, who looks tired, but far less stressed.
I give him a nod and then follow Sniper upstairs. Hammer’s room is in the wing opposite mine, and walking down the dark hall towards his room makes my heart heavier. When we reach the door, Sniper pushes it open. I sigh at the mess. “He never was one for keeping this place clean,” I remark.
Sniper snorts. “More than one club girl refused to clean in the past when he really let things go at the other place. He was trying to be better here, I think, because I threatened to make him do it himself.” He heads over to the closet and sighs when he opens it and things fall out. Old magazines, some of them the dirty kind, and random clothes and knickknacks join their brethren on the floor. “I ain’t touching that shit,” he says as he points to the growing pile. “Dead or not. We’ll have the Prospects clean it up or something.”
I snort. “We only have three left, and one just had surgery. You sure you want to tempt fate and make it none?”
“Nah, Carson will do it and not complain. To our faces anyway. Not sure about Crypt.” He rifles through the hangers as he tries to find something that Hammer can wear.
“He’d do it,” I say absently as I move over to the desk and pick up one of the picture frames on it. Hammer never struck me as a sentimental guy, but the picture is one of him and Bullet, back when they were younger, obviously just having been patched in, from the beers in their hands and the way they proudly hold their cuts. Hammer was fifty pounds lighter then, and had a shorter beard. “How’s Bullet taking the news of Hammer?” I ask Sniper as I set the picture down.
