Page 96 of The Devil's Reward
This has to be Shadow’s team, I realize when I take in their gear. All of them look happy, grinning and pleased with themselves. I smile softly because it’s clear to see that Shadow loved his team. It’s in the easy camaraderie between them, the familiarity of people that spend a lot of time with each other. I instantly pick out Shadow, looking younger, more carefree, and just plain happy. My heart pangs at the thought that this could be the very last photo of them before he lost them all.
I trace my eyes over each member, but I freeze when I see the last face, the one under Shadow’s left arm. It’s like looking in a mirror.Who is she?
I don’t realize I’ve spoken that out loud until Shadow says quietly behind me, “That was Sam.”
FORTY-NINE
QUINN
I will never settle for being a consolation prize. I’m worth more.
I stare at him, confused. “This is Sam?” I ask carefully, my hands gripping the picture tightly. “You mean, the Sam that is your former teammate? The one you told me about? The woman you asked me if I knew? And where is Macy?”
He nods, his face solemn as he closes the door behind him and steps inside. I don’t approach him, and he doesn’t approach me. My mind is whirling with so many thoughts that I can’t keep up, not all of them good. “Syn has her playing with the dogs and Viper is there too, watching over her. She’s perfectly safe, especially with the dogs. They’re trained in protection. And I wasn’t sure I was ever going to show you that picture,” he admits, and my stomach sinks.
“Why?” I demand, anger building past the dread. “Because she looks like me? Or I look like her, I guess, from your point of view?”
He doesn’t flinch, but I can see the pain in his eyes. I just can’t bring myself to care. “I knew you would be freaked out and it wouldn’t make sense. Or make you think I wanted you because you looked so much alike. When I first saw you, it made me want to stay far away from you.”
“And that’s supposed to make me feel better? Did you have a relationship with her?”
“No.” But there’s something on his face, and my stomach clenches.
“But you wanted to,” I say slowly. “What? Did you sleep with her and she didn’t want to be something more?”
“I never slept with Sam. But I won’t lie to you. I wanted to. We had this crazy chemistry, but we never once gave in. I think we both knew that it wouldn’t go anywhere, so why screw up the working relationship and friendship we had.”
“That’s not everything,” I say tightly. “Don’t lie to me, Shadow. I can see it on your face. There’s something else about her that you’re not telling me, and I want to know what it is.”
He’s quiet for a moment, watching me. He steps closer, but I step back because I don’t want him anywhere near me. I pull my anger around me tight like a shield. He stops and runs a hand through his hair. “On our last mission, before it all went to hell, we had agreed to go out on a date. But it didn’t mean anything, Quinn,” he hurries to say as my heart falls. “I’m not trying to date you to replace her.”
“Sure sounds like it to me,” I reply harshly. “Can you honestly say to me that when you look at me you don’t think of her? That you don’t wonder what it could have been like with her instead of me?”
“I did at first,” he admits. It’s like he’s taking a sledgehammer to my heart. “And it did do my head in for a bit. I honestly wasn’t sure if I could handle ever seeing you again, because I had finally got to a point where I was happy and living the life I wanted, and then there you were. I thought for sure it was fate’s version of a cruel joke. Or Sam trying to be funny.”
I stare at him. “You thought I was a cruel joke?” I repeat slowly.
“No, I mean…” He stops and a growl comes from deep in his chest as frustration covers his face. “Quinn, you need to understand. I lost my entire team that day, including Sam, and I had to finish my mission. I wasn’t allowed to grieve them until I completed it, and until I took care of the men who killed them all. When I was discharged, I was messed up. So fucking messed up. And I felt the worst about Sam. I didn’t protect her. I didn’t see the person who shot her in time, and I had to learn to live with that.
“Then, when I got home, I had to bury each one of them. I carried their caskets to their damn graves. Sam was the last one. Her family was around here, and she was buried here. I vowed to her that I would never forget her. Just as I told the rest of them the same thing.”
“But you were in love with her,” I say harshly. “You wanted her as more than just a teammate, and you stayed in the town that she is buried in. How the hell can I compete with that? How am I supposed to wonder if every time you look at me you only see her? See what you could have had?”
“Because you are not Sam,” he says equally harshly. “You are not Sam, Quinn. Sam was adventurous to a fault, a smart ass that didn’t know when to keep her damn mouth shut and not get a rip from our commanding officers, and she was an adrenaline junkie. You are none of those things.” My entire body is cold and stiff with each comparison. All I’m hearing is how much less I am than her. Than this dream girl of his. The one he wanted before. Now he has to settle for someone who only looks like her. Bitterness mixes with the anger inside me, and I feel sick. “You are nothing like her, Quinn, but you are better than her, and that’s why I want you in my life,” he continues, like he thinks the words are going to fix everything.
“Why? Why settle for someone so much less?” I ask nastily. I lift the frame and point at the woman in the picture. The woman with my face but who is apparently nothing like me. “This is the woman you want, Shadow. You wanted her then, and you want her now. What? You think that by dating me you can save me? That you can fix the past? That you can appease your guilty conscience?”
His eyes darken and his jaw clenches. “This isn’t about that,” he says tightly.
“Sure seems like it to me. I will never settle for being someone’s second choice, Shadow,” I tell him coldly. “I’ve done it enough. I wasn’t even second choice for Bobby. He picked his job and his friends. I was only good for being home to keep his house clean. I’m boring, and I don’t have an adventurous bone in my body. You’re only going to be disappointed and I won’t do that to myself. And I won’t do that to Macy. If you’re looking to find a woman like Sam, I am not her. I will never be her.”
“I don’t want Sam,” Shadow yells, his voice bouncing around the room. It startles me because I’ve never heard him yell before. His anger is clear, and so is his pain, but I just lift my chin as he stares at me. “Do you think that I don’t know what I want after all this time, Quinn?” he demands furiously. “I would never have been happy with Sam. Sure, she was pretty and adventurous, and maybe if we had slept together you might be onto something, but you are wrong.
“When I saw you at the garage, it was like a damn punch in the gut. I thought for sure I was seeing a ghost. Then I saw you again, and again, and I knew there was a reason that you were in my path. I knew I needed to stop and pay attention. And I realized that you are the complete opposite of Sam, and you are everything I could want. You’re beautiful, you’re smart, you’re shy, and you’re the only one who has ever made me feel this way. Like I’m finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel that I’ve been trapped in.
“The past has been holding me back. Sam has been holding me back. Her memories, the pain and guilt I felt at losing her. But that is nothing compared to what will happen if I lose you. Lose Macy. I was existing, not living, before meeting you both. I want to live again, Quinn, and you’re the one helping me do that. You’re the one showing me what the future holds. Your light, your goodness, and the very person you are. The woman who blushes when she’s embarrassed and when she’s being complimented. The woman that smiles at me like I’m the only thing that’s important to her in the room. The woman that can make me laugh just by being herself;. The woman that is pushing me to be a better man; the woman I want to be my everything.
“You think I don’t know that it’s going to fuck with your head, knowing that you look like her? That my story and history is going to create a problem for you? For us? I know that, and I wish like hell I could tell you that it didn’t matter, that it’s a coincidence. But you know what, Quinn? I can’t. I can’t make her disappear. She’s made me the man I am todayfor you.
