Page 34 of The Devil's Reward
Viper is right about one thing. She’s shy, and a bit awkward, and no matter how endearing that is, a biker club isn’t the place for her or her daughter. They deserve a nine to five, always home for dinner, homework, and bedtime, kind of man. Or at least someone who isn’t as rough around the edges as I am. I’ve done a lot of healing and growing, but I will always be the former Special Forces member that survived a mission that took the lives of his entire team, and then became a biker.
I wasn’t a good man for Sam, and I’m definitely not good enough for Quinn Holt.
When I reach my bike, I straddle it, not even looking at Viper, who kept up with me. But before I can turn the key, he stops me with a wave of his hand and gives me a cool, challenging look. “If I’m wrong, then you won’t have any problem asking Quinn out on a date,” he says easily. “And if I’m not, I’ll never say another word. But I won’t let you throw away your chance at something real. Samantha Nolans is gone, Shadow. You always say you need to honor her memory by living. Well, here’s your chance to fucking prove it.”
Then he climbs on his bike, turns it on, and pulls away. Instinct has me doing the same, but Viper has just thrown down the gauntlet.
I stew on it the entire way back to the clubhouse, my mood getting darker and darker with each passing mile. When we roll up, I park my bike, climb off, and stalk inside. Everyone gives me a wide berth, even the girls, who lose their smiles when they catch my expression.
I storm up to my room and shut the door, locking it behind me. I want to let loose the anger I’m feeling inside, but I can’t. Rigorous training will never allow that, and I don’t feel like buying a bunch of new shit because I destroyed mine.
So instead, I walk to the window, look outside, and force myself to take a few deep breaths. I need to calm down and think. I glance at the dresser, knowing the picture of my team is in there, silently beckoning me to pull it out. To torment myself with the memories that I keep pushing away.
My therapist’s words from when I first went to see him come rushing back.“Avoiding the problem won’t make it go away. The only way to deal with it is facing it head on.”
I hate it when he’s right, even when I haven’t seen him for almost a year. I have half a mind to call him and get him to help me straighten this out, but that doesn’t appeal to me.
I move to the dresser, open the drawer, pull out the photo and stare into faces that haunt my nightmares. Though, in the past couple of days, they’ve been dreams more than nightmares. The one I had last night creeps back into my mind.
We’re standing in the unrelenting heat, all of us in the huddle as we debrief the assignment we’ve just completed. It’s a team tradition to unwind with a bit of fun after returning from a mission, and this time we picked buggy racing in the middle of the desert. Nothing like a little danger to help you relax.
“Ghost, you’re with me,” Sam says with a smirk.
I groan. “No fucking way am I getting in there with you. You’ll kill us both.”
She laughs. “Stop being a baby. We’ll be fine.”
“Famous last words,” I drawl as I put on my helmet and climb into the passenger seat. Sam isn’t one to let a man take the reins when she can do it herself, this included. I just hope I survive.
It’s a memory more than a dream, but I can still see Sam in the driver’s seat, screaming with laughter as she drove faster and faster, dust and dirt flying, almost sending us rolling a few times. I can’t help the small smile as I think about how she glowed when we were done and she climbed out, hair flying and eyes bright. It was the most alive I’d ever seen her, and it only made me want her more.
But it’s her final words in this memory that haunt me.
I look at her and shake my head. “I don’t know how I’m not dead.”
She grins at me. “Oh come on now, big guy. You can’t tell me you were scared.”
“Shitless,” I deadpan. “I don’t know why I took the chance of getting in that thing with you.”
She laughs long and loud. “Good. If you don’t take chances and live a little, you never have any fun and you might miss out on all the good things in life.”
Her words echo in my head and I grip the picture frame tighter. I look at her face and can all but see her standing there screaming at me to stop being an idiot. To live. To trust.
So, I set the picture back, shut the drawer, and grab my phone. I’ll prove to myself that there’s nothing there. One date won’t hurt, and as much as I say I’m not the dating type, Quinn is, and I’ll give her what she deserves.
Even if she deserves more than a broken man who only wants to forget.
NINETEEN
QUINN
I’m freaking out!
The house is far too quiet, and while I appreciate it after a long day at work, I also hate it. I miss having Macy at home. Sadness hits me as I come back downstairs after having changed into something more comfortable. Right about now Macy would be whining about her homework and I’d be helping her focus and get it done.
It’s times like these that I miss having friends and family around. Loneliness hits me hard and I have to bite my lip to keep from tearing up. It’s my own fault, I know that, but the last thing I want is to answer questions that come with my past.
So instead, I suck it up, pour a glass of wine, and make myself a TV dinner. I could have picked up dinner on my way home, but one more stop wasn’t appealing. Not to mention when Macy does get home tomorrow, she’ll sniff that out like a bloodhound and there will be hell to pay.
