Page 120 of Off the Mark
“And me included,” Dean said. He pulled Rowan in for a quick hug, and all I could think about was that framed picture in Alice’s kitchen of Dean and Rowan as teenagers, gangly arms around each other’s shoulders, smiling next to a baseball field. “I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks, big guy,” Rowan said. “We’re gonna keep doing good here. I’m ready for whatever comes next.”
Dean nodded, slid an arm around Tabitha. “Every day is our chance to make this city better. You helped me remember that. Now we get to keep doing it together.”
Tabitha gave me an exaggerated wink. Then said, “We’d all love to keep talking about this amazing and emotional occasion. But later. After…uh, wellafter.”
I hid a smile. Mouthedthank you. Dean gave a discreet nod my way before they disappeared, closing the door behind them.
Leaving Rowan and me alone.
He rubbed the back of his head, his gaze rising to mine with a shy anticipation. “You did this for me?”
“You found your home, Rowan,” I said. “Found your community. After everything that you’ve been through, after knowing how scary it is to hope for what you want…you took a chance. And I meant what I said last night. I’m so proud of you.”
He glanced around the office, his throat working. Smiled when he saw the pictures and the sunflowers. “It feels more like mine, more like something I deserve. Especially with you in it.”
Pleasure suffused my limbs, sweet and liquid as honey. “Can you come here?”
Rowan was sinking onto the couch a moment later, and we were hugging a moment after that. My arms wrapped around his neck, my cheek pressed to his, those strong pitcher’s hands slipping around my waist.
Every single one of my loud, dissonant worries went as still and quiet as a snowy winter field.
He turned his head to kiss my forehead.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I pushed you to open up last night when you clearly needed space.” He pulled back—there were dark shadows under his eyes. “I do trust you to ask for what you need. If it’s not obvious, I’m out of my mind for you, Charlie. It feels like I've waited a lifetime to be with you, and the thought of this ending, of us running scared again the second we’re vulnerable, had me panicking.”
His smile was hesitant and slightly crooked. “I should have listened to you, respected what you needed. Not been the asshole. Again.”
I shook my head, my hands gently cupping his face. “I was pulling away though, even if I wasn't aware of it at the time. But I went home to rage-cry by myself, then ended up missing you and was too cowardly to call. Having people see me at my messiest isn't easy. Leaving people before they can leave me is.”
I shot a glance at the closed door. “Per Tabitha, who, it turns out, has a mom just like mine, relationships require a lot of trust. I grew up thinking I was easy to leave behind.”
“You’re not,” he said firmly. “I spent one single night without you and I’m goddamn miserable, Maddox.”
I laughed, pressing my forehead to his. “How do we stop this cycle then? Of keeping people at arm’s length when they try and get too close?”
“By being ourselves, even if it’s messy,” he said. Then passed a hand over his mouth, jaw flexing. “After my injury, I was in a bad place. Hiding my pain and grief from everyone except Dean, as cocky as ever. As avoidant as ever. I knew even then we could have been something, Charlie. But I felt like I had nothing to offer you anymore—just my anger and hopeless disappointment.”
His eyebrows knit together. “Meanwhile, your career was taking off in the best way, and every time I saw you on the cover of some sports magazine or the ESPN website, looking strong and confident, bringing you into what I was going through seemed like dragging you down. You’d already taken care of one athlete who’d lost it all. I couldn’t get over this dread that you…that you wouldn’t want me. So you were right—I'm just as much to blame for the distance between us. I ran away.”
It felt like a dull knife was twisting beneath my rib cage. I shut my eyes, shaking my head, and when I opened them, they were full of tears. “I have never, ever felt that way about you. You are not a throwing arm and you’re not your injuries either. You’re not just a body, Rowan, deemed worthlessor worthwhilebased on your ability to earn money. I wish I’d done better by you after you got hurt, wish I’d been there and not put my insecurities first. But I did and I’m still sorry about it. You cried with me that night, and I would have broken the world apart with my bare hands to make you hurt less.”
I laughed, the sound ending on a half-sob. “It terrified me, wanting you that badly when I was so convinced you’d only leave. I talked myself out of telling you the truth and I shouldn’t have. Because the same thing that happened to you happened to me. I saw you again, and my feelings hadn’t softened or gone away. In fact, they keep getting stronger.”
Tears tracked down my face that I didn’t try to hide for the first time. Rowan swiped one gently.
“I love you, Rowan O’Callaghan,” I whispered urgently. “You’re the one for me and always have been.”
Then I pressed our mouths together in a kiss of pure, reckless joy. I felt him smiling, felt the rumble of his relieved laughter, the kiss frantic and passionate and real.
We parted, breathing hard. His lips caressed my forehead. My hair. “I love you so much, Charlie. I’ve loved you since I was trying to make you smile with my stupid jokes at Jolene’s. All those times I felt broken and really…I was only waiting for you to come back to me. Am so fuckinghappyyou came back to me.”
His voice roughened. “I know we have a lot to figure out about our lives together and how we live them. I’m still in this though. For good.”
I was nodding, tracing the shape of his lips with my fingers. “Me too. No running this time, only worshiping. I’m here for it, here foryou.”
Rowan’s eyes searched mine for a few sweet seconds. “My grandmother swore that when I fell in love it’d feel like an anvil dropped on my head. And wouldn’t you know, I’ve been walking around stunned since you asked me to be your fake boyfriend.”
