Page 14 of On the Ropes
I squeezed her arm. “You’ll always be the cutest little lightweight.”
A groove formed between her eyebrows. “Hey, you didn’t tell me what happened with you and Shelby. She’s back in California still, isn’t she? Are you two doing a long-distance thing now or…?”
I twisted my water glass back and forth on the table. “Shelby and I broke up.”
Alexis cocked her head with sympathy in her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Tab. What happened? You two were so sweet together.”
I dropped my elbows onto the table. My sister was always more upset over my breakups than I was. “I liked Shelby a lot. But I was upfront with her when we started hanging out. Told her I was only there for three months, max, before my next travel gig and that I wasn’t emotionally available for anything…serious.” I swallowed hard around the word. It must have been our family reminiscing yesterday that had me feeling more sensitive than usual.
My sister frowned. “I thought she was so great for you.”
“She is great,” I said. “I have no doubt she’ll end up being with a person who’s just as great. She just wanted more. More of me, more investment, more time. I didn’t have it to give. She took our breakup really hard. I haven’t said too much about it because, honestly, I feel kinda shitty.”
I chewed on the end of my thumbnail to keep from wincing. My sister and I had seen the way two people in a relationship could hurt each other. It was always my intention to avoid that outcome every time, but I’d missed the warning signs that Shelby was growing more attached than I was. Breaking up with her, seeing her anger and her hurt had shaken me more than I wanted to admit.
But now I was more concerned with the trepidation on Alexis’s face, her shoulders hunching up toward her ears.
“Hey, hey,” I said, soothing. “You’ve got your worried-big-sister face on. I promise I’m totally, totally fine. And not all of my relationships end like that. There are plenty of people I’ve dated who are into the casual thing and when I ultimately pack up and leave, we’re both fine with it.”
She narrowed her eyes for a few seconds before a silly grin spread across her face. “Okay. I’m less worried about your nonexistent broken heart now. You can tell me all about your hot flings if you want.”
The handsome server caught my eye again. “Seeing as how I just got back into town, I don’t have one.” I matched her grin. “Yet. But the situation I’m currently in is the perfect setup for a sexy summer fling, don’cha think?”
“But how do you do that though?” she asked.
“Do what?” I leaned back in my chair, recrossed my legs. The still, humid air caressed my bare skin.
“Keep your emotions out of it. Keep it light without getting invested.” Her cheeks got pinker. “Sorry, I’m your slightly drunk older sister whose been with the same person since college. I don’t know how to handle what you do.”
I laughed. “You make me sound like a robot.”
“That’s the thing,” she said emphatically. “You’re such an affectionate and loving person. How do you not get too attached?”
A stray breeze cooled the back of my neck. I tossed my hair again as the server smiled at me. I returned it. Then I leaned in close to my adorably drunk sister. “It’s all about the crush. I love that heady, flirtatious feeling. When you’re making out in movie theaters and texting each other constantly and you get butterflies when they say your name. That’s exciting to me.”
Having a crush was delicious. Addictive. Compelling in a sexy, primal way. That fleeting pull of lust and fascination felt safer to me than anything a steady relationship could provide.
“It’s not hard to stay casual if you keep your conversations surface level. If you don’t share too many secrets or personal stories. Or make romantic future plans. It’s very much in-the-moment. Fully present. The second the other person starts dragging me toward something more intense, I can feel it.”
My sister’s smile was sweet and dreamy. “When you’re falling in love, you mean.”
I hesitated but kept smiling through it. “I guess? I don’t really know what that feels like.”
I almost said more but finished my beer instead, swaying to the music before setting the glass back down. I didn’t want to bring our mom into this conversation, but our parents’ divorce was like a far-off storm cloud on a beautiful day. Even when it wasn’t over our heads, it hovered in the distance, a presence even in its absence. Alexis had found a soul-mate kind of love in Eric. And held tight to it.
I wasn’t ashamed to say our experiences growing up made me want to run from anything that might hurt me or the person I was—casually—spending time with.
My sister’s eyebrows were still raised, waiting for me to continue. “You got something to say?”
She gave a huge shrug. “You guess you don’t really know? That’s your response to falling head over heels in love with another person?”
“I sleep with people I already know I won’t fall in love with,” I said airily. “It’s pure lust and sex appeal. It lessens the risk that I’ll do something stupid like open my heart and—” I stopped.
“Open your heart and what?” She touched my wrist. “Maybe get hurt?”
I waved off the concern in her eyes. “I was going to say complicate my personal life and career all at the same time.” I wasn’t going to say that, but I charged ahead anyway. “Right now, all I want is to hop on airplanes with my camera and go where the stories are. I don’t have a grander vision than that, but I’m really, really happy with this tumbleweed life. On the road, on the move. No roots just yet.”
Alexis sank back in her chair and scrutinized me closely. She was swaying, just a little bit.
