Page 116 of On the Ropes
Tabitha
The difference was unmistakable as soon as we gathered round to eat. Kathleen had opened up a bottle of wine and Dad kept the music on, though at a lower volume, and for a while we were rapt listeners as Juliet spun us a tale about a giraffe with wings she swore she’d seen at the park the other day.
For once, watching my dad ask Juliet a lot of adorable questions—What do you think her wings were made of? You say her neck was how long?—didn’t evoke such a bittersweet sting. I wasn’t looking forward to what I was about to tell them. But the knowledge that I wasn’t moving to Austin grounded me fully in the moment. I didn’t have to side-eye the door, one foot already out as I pretended that zipping into and out of their lives was easy for me.
Licking tomato sauce from my thumb, I reached forward and nudged my laptop open where it rested on the coffee table. I’d started working on this surprise a few days into my visit, after discovering the gold mine of family photos residing in Aunt Linda’s many bookshelves. At the time I considered it to be a going-away gift, to say thank you for making my trip home so special.
Now I understood what it was all along: A love letter to Philly. My own plea to stay.
“What’s the update on the park, hon?” Kathleen asked, setting down her wine glass. “And I want you to know I have fully activated my book club members and their impressive networks.”
I flashed her a grateful smile. “You’re a legend and always will be. We need the help. The good news is that the emails I’ve sent out to past clients and the SOS call I put out on social media is generating a lot of interest and attention. People have even donated more money, which is extraordinary. Everyone on Tenth Street is using their own connections too. We need a huge amount of funds to buy the lot from the city. Or a miracle.”
“Or a book club member,” Kathleen said wisely.
I laughed. “Yes, ma’am. On the one hand, it’s demoralizing to see how quickly the park’s been put at risk, especially since it’s not even finished yet. The best is definitely yet to come for Tenth Street. And on the other hand, it’s so inspiring to see the response from our community, wanting to help in any way they can. There have even been a few people nearby offering to collaborate to create parks using the abandoned lots on their block. I guess I’m both super anxious and panicking and really optimistic and hopeful, all at the same time.”
Eric grinned. “The two elementary school teachers in the room can certainly identify with that confusing mix of emotions.”
My sister laughed and kissed him on the cheek. “Something has me feeling extra, extra hopeful today.”
I smiled down at my plate. Seeing Alexis be excited for me staying was giving me the courage I needed for whatever happened next—all of it would require making scary changes, canceling contracts, even disappointing some people. But I could sense the reward waiting for me on the other side of authenticity, a reward that looked like the people sitting around me now.
And maybe, if I was really, really lucky, I’d get to be with Dean.
“I’m feeling hopeful too,” I said. “Also a little nervous because I made a movie for you.”
Dad’s eyes lit up. “Aw, Tab, you didn’t have to do that. We’re just happy to see ya one more night before you go.”
I shook my head, unable to stop the happy smile from spreading across my face. “Dad. I’m not going. I’m moving back home.”
There was a charged pause, and then half the room shouted “What?” all at the same time. I started laughing, and Alexis clapped her hands together.
“It’s last minute—and even more impulsive than my usual very impulsive decision-making—but I’ve decided I’d like to move back home, to be here with all of you. It’s going to mean an awkward phone call to the hotel I was going to do work for in Austin, plus getting a place to stay and finding new clients.” And confessing my love to Dean. “I want to be here, though, with all of you. Desperately. These past two weeks…” I swallowed a few times, and my dad wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “Being with all of you has essentially made it impossible for me to leave. You’re too fucking charming.”
I slapped my hand over my mouth and stared at Juliet, who appeared to be enthralled by her coloring book. Eric covered her ears with a smirk.
“It’s fine,” he whispered. “She hears worse when we walk to the Acme. Also, I’m so fucking happy you’re staying, Tab. Juliet misses you all of the time.”
My dad cleared his throat with eyes as watery as mine. “I wasn’t going to say anything because you know that Kathleen and I would still talk to you every day even if your next job was on the moon. You seem different here than when we call you when you’re traveling. I was never sure what it was. Now that you’ve been home, I don’t know. You’re still happy but also more relaxed. Comfortable.”
I would have replied, Because I’m not pretending as much, but Kathleen was squeezing me in a hug and patting my hair. “There were times we’d get off the phone with you, in some new, beautiful location, and I thought you sounded lonely.”
The harsh truth of that was like taking a glass of ice water to the face. “I’ve always loved my job, and spending five years traveling and working and living in different places was a privilege I don’t regret at all. But I do think, underneath all of that, I was lonely and never knew how to talk about it.”
I wasn’t surprised that my family had noticed a difference in me here. I had too, and it wasn’t only because of Dean. I’d run myself ragged since college, fleeing emotions and memories. Never letting anyone get too close. It was hard to acknowledge that I was carrying a loneliness with me from town to town, city to city.
It was even harder to acknowledge the role my own guilt and secrets contributed to that loneliness, but silence was only giving my mother more power. And it was time to reclaim every piece she’d stolen.
Juliet turned to her parents and asked if she could play in the kitchen. As she ran off—not before giving me a sloppy kiss on the cheek—I took it as a sign to have a more serious conversation.
Alexis must have seen my expression change because she cocked her head and said, “Tabitha, what is it?”
My stomach roiled, nerves on high alert. “This is really hard for me to do, but I need to talk to you guys about Mom,” I said. I was squashed between Dad and Kathleen on the couch and felt them react to my words. “I knew…I knew about Mom’s affair six months before Dad and Alexis knew. I came home from school early one day, and she was in the kitchen with Roger. He was a stranger and I was young, but I could tell he was pissed at me. I had no idea what for. Mom though…” I dropped my gaze to the carpet. “She convinced me that Roger was an extra-special friend and that keeping him a secret from the rest of the family made me special too. It was ours to keep together, and I liked getting her attention. When you and Mom were arguing or she was lashing out at me and Alexis in some way, it still made me feel like I had to protect her. So I did. When Dad was sad or Alexis asked me what I thought was really going on with our parents, I pretended not to know. She’d take phone calls with Roger sometimes when I was around, and I could tell by the way she talked to him that he wasn’t a friend. That he was kind of like a boyfriend, which was confusing to me because she already had a husband.”
I blinked and realized that Alexis was crouching in front of me, holding both of my hands with tears in her eyes. “I’m so sorry that happened to you” she whispered.
“Sorry?” I shook my head. “No, you don’t understand. We talked about this the other night. How awful she is. The imprint she left on us. I chose her, Alexis. I protected her. If I’d said something sooner, I know things would have been better for our family. Dad would have at least known what was happening, and you wouldn’t have felt so abandoned. We could have avoided so much heartache and emotional pain, I just know it. She’s always been a horrible liar, and she made me one too.”
