Page 54 of Seeking Stars
Much later, he lay in bed awake, thoughts still swirling in his mind. When he finally checked his phone, he had a text from Ana.
Ana: I hope things are okay between us. What can I do?
She'd sent him that message over an hour ago. Crap, he hadn't meant to leave her steeping in worry.
What could she do?
Give us a chance.
He didn't even attempt to type that out. It hurt to think she may not trust him enough to risk it, but it made sense.
Maybe he could reframe and see this impasse as a gift. If he focused on understanding her better, then any choice he made— whether to pursue or retreat— would align with all the work he'd done to prepare for a moment like this. And it would serve to accept her choices as well.
Liam: We are okay. I'll need some space tonight but we can move on. I'll be fine tomorrow.
He'd waited a long time to find someone with whom to try anything. He'd met plenty of people, but no one had fit so seamlessly with him; no one's chemistry had ignited the right kind of alchemy. Rejection fuckingsucked, but he didn't want to ruin their camaraderie with his frustration, and he did not want her to feel like he was punishing her for not wanting to kiss him.
He could be patient. For her.
Chapter 14 - After
Ana's inner world rioted, pulling her in two directions. How could someone be so cleanly split down the middle?
On one side, she was thankful that Liam appeared to let go of their almost-kiss right away. At least it seemed that way, as it had been two days since the pool incident and he had yet to bring it up. He seemed to have gone straight back to his usual, before-trying-to-kiss-her friendly self. On the other, she desperately wanted him to try to kiss her again. The intensity of that want fought for attention with such tenacity, she worried she might end up taking the matter in her own hands.
She, who had been the one to tell him no. She, who had all these good, rational reasons as to why it was a bad idea. She might end up wound up so tight that she could spring on him and kiss him until they'd lost their minds. And she. Could not. Should not.
Besides, who knew if he still wanted to, anyway. While it was clear to her why she'd said no— she panicked—on his side, it was almost impossible to guess the reasons for anything… and she couldn't just ask. Not about this, not after saying no. And she wasn't ready to hear the response. Maybe the almost kiss had been a spur of the moment thing, and not something that held as much significance for him as it did for her. Maybe he didn't care much either way, or maybe he was actually grateful it had gone nowhere. The one clear thing was how okay he was with the way things had happened. He couldn't have moved on so quickly, otherwise.
"You seem restless," he told her, interrupting her thoughts. They were outside on the deck, having breakfast.
"Do I?"
"Yeah. You're wiggling in your chair and keep sighing. Everything okay?"
She hadn't noticed, she'd been so lost within herself.
She didn't look at him but to the piece of toast she was busy breaking into crumbs. How to answer his question? She often felt like she could tell him anything, but no way could she tell him she had a hard time accepting they were not kissing right at that moment.
"Yep. All's good," she lied. She heard the clipped way her words came out.
She gave him her eyes, hoping that it would help convince him of her words. It was a mistake; she didn't have to stare at him very long to see he didn't believe her. He didn't push it. She cleared her throat and looked away to trees surrounding their forest clearing.
"Do you want to go for a walk?" He asked after a while. "Mo gave me a map of some nearby trails, one of which leads to the water. According to his notes, it ends on a small, rocky beach. The only way to get there is from this place, so it should be private as well."
"Sounds good. Let's go do it."
They cleared the dishes from breakfast and set up for their walk. He put water bottles in a backpack; she took her camera and put a strap on it so that she could carry it on her neck, freeing her hands.
Once on their way, Liam guided her through the trees until they reached a gentle cliff. A roughed-in path opened at the edge and steered them down. He stepped into it and checked the incline and general state of the gravel for safety. He offered her his hand to help her down onto it and didn't let go once they started walking; she did her best to not let it fuel the commotion inside her. He held her hand until the track narrowed down so much that they had to walk single file.
They didn't talk. It was a good thing, because she still hadn't quieted her inner world. They followed the wandering path, bordering the cliffs rising from the rocks where waves crashed; as they got closer to the water, cold mist reached them once in a while. They trekked on rough terrain, surrounded by severe inclines; no construction could be made here and there were no houses overlooking the ocean. Just Liam and Ana, making their way along the edge of the continent.
The views set a contemplative mood, the infinite ocean finally allowing her the space she needed to set her turmoil free. She decided to use these takes for film imagery; the kind she would use for one of her voiceovers. She stayed behind on the path for a few minutes, taking a wide shot of him walking ahead of her. The line of his shoulders suggested deep thinking, and she wondered what occupied his mind.
After about an hour, they reached the tiny beach he had told her about. It was no more than a small indentation in the cliff, huge rocks at the bottom of it. They had to climb down from the path, jumping onto them. They sat on one of the rocks, watching the waves crashing against them. Brine had opened her heart, and she breathed in the respite she'd craved.
"Apparently, when the tide is low, there's a small patch of pebbles between these rocks and the water," he said.
