Page 45 of Seeking Stars
"Like Coulton does with me?"
"That's exactly it. I don't think I'd actually considered how much pressure I could get from my agent to do things their way. At least, not until I saw how Coulton tries to convince you to let him build your name even more. Until Diana started asking for updates and making suggestions."
"Well, like we said the other day… you're just starting. Maybe you can use my experience to push back as soon as she starts trying to make you do things you don't like."
"I'll have to do my best to nip it in the bud," Ana agreed. After a few seconds she told him, "How much more fame could Coulton want from you?"
He sighed but didn't respond. He shared another fear instead.
"I'm afraid I'm losing my good friends from before being famous."
She frowned. "Text them. Don't let too much time go by."
"How do I keep them, if I can't see them or talk to them often? With the kind of schedule I have…"
"I get that, but good friends would understand and make the effort to maintain the relationship even if 99% of the time it happens on a video call. You have to call them, include them… and they should, too."
He seemed to examine her words, before he slowly nodded his acceptance. "You're right. I'll text Logan tomorrow. Okay, your turn."
Ana contemplated telling him she worried Ely was more hurt than she'd let on during the call, that her date had been so bad… but that was about Ely and not Ana.
Without much thought this time, she blurted a fear she had noticed within her, after their conversation at sunset a few days ago.
"I'm afraid of my fear of pain."
He shifted again, to face her more fully.
"Tell me." His voice was soft, understanding. It reached her like a balm, probing at her walls and encouraging her to open up.
Letting her guard down was easy— too easy. She didn't let herself stop.
"I hate to say this, I really do, but I think that's the worst thing to come out of what happened with Dave—with my ex. I trusted him implicitly. Even after the first time I realized he hadn't respected our agreement of exclusivity, I decided to trust him. I hate that I did that."
He bumped his arm against her shoulder. "Maybe you can cut yourself some slack."
"I don't know. I made the wrong call. I was so sure of us and I couldn't have been more mistaken. And I was terrified of what my future would look like without him— I had so many plans that included him. But you're right. It's not fair that I am so worried about being lied to that I can't trust anyone. What kind of life would that be? The problem is, I know myself well enough that I know I might never want to take the risk at all again, because I can't imagine anything worse than feeling that kind of pain over and over."
He kept silent for a moment, processing her words. She bit her lips as she waited.
"I think I get it. You're afraid that if you can't go at it full of doubt but don't know quite how to trust, you might want to avoid putting yourself in that place at all."
Rather than answering, she sighed and rubbed her face with her hands. To her surprise, instead of continuing to talk about her fear, he shared one of his.
"I'm afraid that while fame gives me access to the kind of work I want to do, it also blocks me from having the kind of relationship I want."
She let her hands drop to her lap. With her eyes closed, she shook her head in frustration.
"That's messed up," she said.
"What do you mean?"
Taking a deep breath, she let herself lean sideways to rest her head on his shoulder. "You deserve so much love, Liam."
"We both do."
She nodded but said nothing, letting the deep rumble of faraway crushing waves fill the space. He rested his head on hers; she studied their image on the small screen of her camera. They were really close.
"I'm afraid of how much I'm going to miss you when filming is wrapped," he whispered, barely louder than a breath, his voice was so low. Like he said it just to her.
