Page 69 of Seeking Stars
He sighed. "I think I want to produce; get involved in the decision making and the making it happen. Maybe direct one day. I have been smart with my money so maybe I could set up my own company. We'll see."
"So not only acting, not forever."
What do you want, Ana? This is not it.
Feel.
"Yeah, not forever. I don't know how long I can keep doing this, like this. Although if I get it my way, I might want to continue acting, but in roles I really want to do."
She nodded. "I'd love to see you achieve all of that, if you're okay with that."
He smiled, but it looked sad.
"Do you want to ask me anything?" she offered. She needed time to think. To feel.
Talk to him.
"Did you ever come up with your question? The one that you'll use to ground the editing," he asked.
"Yeah, a while ago. Before we left the beach, actually." She stopped packing, her hands were shaking.
"Can I know?"
"Of course. My question is going to be,how do you escape loneliness, when you're looked at but not seen?"
Her eyes had been fixed on the last shirt she'd put on her bag. When he didn't reply, she glanced at him and was surprised to see the raw emotion on his face.
"I want to have you in my life, Ana, but you're not a friend. You're something else to me." His voice was thin, his tone low. Like it was an effort to say it.
His words and his voice hit her like an arrow. She turned to him, the movement automatic, trying to tell him she was open to what he had to say. That perhaps his words would be the key to breaking her bonds.
"You know what I want," he added. His voice was no more than a breath. "If you want me as a friend, then that's what I'll be."
He stared at her with eyes full of longing. He reached for her hand, his fingertips gently coercing her hand to curl around his, his thumb caressing her knuckles.
She studied the way their fingers embraced, at the way they moved against each other. Liam and Ana could have that kind of closeness, if she got out of her own way for once.
He didn't want friendship and neither did she. Why on earth was she pretending? The filming was done. She'd been professional enough.
What the hell am I doing?
Don't think. Don't feel.
Act.
***
Her grounding question hit him like she'd reached into his chest and squeezed his heart with both hands. He craved being understood like that, but he wasn't prepared to hear her give a voice to the fear in his soul.
He watched their hands together, their fingers holding on to each other, and willed the contact to whisper his request, asking her to give him a chance. When her fingers changed the language of their touch, he had to wonder if perhaps magic like that was possible.
She took his hand and brought it to her lips, where she kissed the back of it. She guided it to rest against her face, holding it in place with one of her own.
"I'm afraid despite myself," she said, eyes closed.
"I understand."
Things could be so different, if she chose to risk it. As much as he wanted to convince her, he couldn't. Not about this. Her choice couldn't, shouldn't be coerced. It had to be hers, authentic, or they'd never have what he yearned for.
