Page 64 of Seeking Stars
"Liam…"
"Ana. When I tried to kiss you, you told me you couldn't. I think I understand what's stopping you. What if we could remove some of those barriers in the future? Would that make it better?"
She stirred in his arms but didn't pull away. Her temple still leaned against his beard, her hand still over his heart, but her back had hardened. "We shouldn't do this. No matter how much I want to forget about it— there are people around us. I have too much to prove. Too much at risk."
"You have nothing to prove— you've already shown the world how good you are. That's why they signed you up. They're not doing you a favor; they're looking to capitalize on your talent."
"Do you realize that if we did something about how we feel— about how we think we feel— they'll assume the worst of me? They'll think I'm looking for my fifteen minutes, or that I'm unprofessional, or…"
"Yes, they very well might do that. They could also decide I'm taking advantage of you, or conning you for my benefit. For the promotional factor."
"Pfft. You are adored by millions. Your posters decorate the walls of half the teens in my city. Who am I? I'm nobody! And I'm a woman. Of color. Somehow, we always get it worse."
He pulled her closer to him. "But what if this were real? How will we ever know?"
She shook her head.
"Ana, I think you're afraid of what we have, because you're scared of it going sideways."
"Yes, of course I am. At the most basic level, I'm scared we'll hurt each other." She pulled back enough that she could look him in the eye. He didn't loosen his hold on her. "But this is more than that. I've never been involved with someone in my films. That would be just poor boundaries. What will people think of my next documentary? How will they trust my professionalism?"
"You wouldn't be the first filmmaker that sleeps with their talent which, by the way, happens a lot. This is about you and me."
Her eyes searched his, matching the intensity of her feelings. "Even if other filmmakers do it, it doesn't mean I should, or want to."
"Not that it's right, but it's common. People don't really care about it much. It's just more fodder for the gossip mill."
"It's still a huge risk for me. Our agents have made it clear over the past few weeks. You heard Coulton the first time we met. My reputation is all I have."
"It isn't. It's all he has and all he likes to wield. No one can take what you've done so far away from you. You built that without anyone's help. Don't forget you also have your skill and hard work."
She shook her head again, her lips in a thin line.
He curled his fingers on her back, trying to grab her and keep her in place. He squeezed her hand to his chest. "If we wait, I won't be the subject of one of your documentaries, anymore."
"And you'd wait?"
"I would, if you told me you wanted me to."
"Liam, I… I'm afraid. I can't think clearly. Maybe we can— should talk about this another time."
"When? On Friday, when this project is officially over? The weekend, while I'm on a plane somewhere? Will we open up and talk, really talk about us then? This is all coming off wrong. I just— Ana, most of these problems will disappear if we wait a while. After some time has gone by, the only question you'll need to answer is whether you want to risk being with me, not knowing how it will end, but hoping it won't."
She didn't reply. Sadness and incredible longing filled her eyes.
He rested his forehead on hers. "Tell me what you think I'm doing. Am I forcing this, or am I fighting for us? If you ask me to stop trying, I will, Ana."
She remained silent. It did more for him than their arguing had.
She wasn't asking him to stop asking.
Ana tore her eyes away. "Maybe we should leave the party. I don't think I want to talk to anybody here anymore."
"Okay."
They walked out the venue without touching, and without talking. They didn't say goodbye to anyone, either.
They waited for their driver to come pick them up. The air was fresh, but frost filled the space between them. As they stood outside, side by side, he was shocked that she leaned into him and took his hand.
