Page 56 of Seeking Stars
"No, I haven't. Not even for a single night."
Her eyebrows shot up. "I kind of imagined you would have, just made no attempts to make it a stable relationship."
"Then you were mistaken. In my case, casual sex did nothing to help me get to know the person. It put things on the table that got in the way. So no sex for me."
"It's just…"
"Hard to believe? Why?" His tone was both curious and pressing at the same time. "Is it hard to believe you haven't given relationships a chance after Dave?"
"No," she tried, but saw the double standard in saying she expected him to have casual sex, when she hadn't.
"I don't have anything against casual sex," he added. "I quite enjoyed it before I got wrapped up in a toxic cycle. I think it was the right thing for me to stop, at least for a while, that's all."
"Okay, I'm sorry. You're right. There's nothing wrong with choosing to have casual sex, and there's nothing wrong with choosing not to."
"Thanks. I agree."
They were silent again. The waves kept on crashing against the rocks, setting a calm rhythm in her heart; more than she would have imagined she'd feel, having a conversation like this. The sound of the water soothed her, mist refreshing and cool on her skin.
"I suppose we can't swim here?" she wondered out loud.
At the same time, Liam asked, "If you haven't been with anyone, is it because you're afraid of heartbreak?"
Her head whipped to look at him in shock, but he gazed at her with amusement.
"No, we shouldn't swim here. It wouldn't be safe," he said, as if he hadn't just sliced a piece of her heart. "We could be crushed against the rocks and that would be bad."
"Why are you asking me all of this?"
"I want to understand your story."
"So you're asking me if I was having casual sex? No, I wasn't, if you must know, although I don't think I have to answer that question."
She heard the building defensiveness in her tone, and pressed her lips together to contain it.
"That's not what I'm asking you, and you could have declined to answer. I thought it was part of our agreement; we can ask and the other person chooses whether to respond."
He was right. That's not what he asked; she'd misunderstood on purpose, hoping irritation would protect her.
Forcing calming breaths through her nose, she made herself give him an honest answer.
"I'm sorry. Let me try again. I… well. I suppose you're right, in a way. While I honestly think you can have a happy life and be single, in my case, I'd be lying if I said that being single had nothing to do with being afraid of pain."
He thought about her answer. "I see."
"I know I sometimes get wrapped up in all the things that could go wrong if I make this or that choice, but there's no other way to prevent bad things from happening. I don't like that it's like that, but it's the truth. That includes whether I decide to risk getting involved with someone or not."
"Right. And what if bad things happen anyway?"
"Then I have to suck it up and learn from my mistakes; do my best to make different choices next time."
He nodded, his eyes getting lost on the horizon. She did not ask to know what was on his mind.
After a while, he sighed and took the water bottles from the backpack, offering her one. She took it and opened hers at the same time he opened his.
"Cheers," he said, holding his bottle towards her. "To intentional singlehood."
She touched her bottle to his, a plasticthucktaking the place of clinking glass.
