Page 36 of Seeking Stars
Ana drank more gin before putting the glass down next to the chair they still shared. She collected her thoughts, readying herself to open up to him. He'd trustedher, not Ana the director, and she wanted to reciprocate.
"I was in a long-term relationship. I thought he was the one, you know? That he was it for me. So I settled, planned my future with him. Imagine my shock when I learned he had cheated on me throughout our relationship. There wasn't a single time in our relationship when he was monogamous with me. By the time I uncovered everything, I'd learned about eight side relationships. Not even casual sex cheating only, he also had actual, long relationships. We had agreed to be only with one another. He looked me in the eye and told me he wanted that with me. Learning that it had all been a lie, well, it shook me."
"What an asshole," he exclaimed. Like he really meant it.
"That was almost two years ago. It really messed me up 'cause I'd trusted him completely. Going through the break up left me with a million questions and a tonne of mistrust. I don't know that I've fully recovered, to be honest."
"So you also have questions about how a good, true relationship happens?"
"Yeah. Especially the part about it being true. I thought it was true, but it wasn't. I don't know how to trust myself or the other person and if I don't know if it's real, how can I jump and risk the pain of being wrong again?"
"I don't think you're supposed to know people are lying to you, Ana. You had to trust him or how would it have worked?"
"I should have seen the signs. I should have known. We were so young when we got together. I was 21 and he was 22. Who meets their life-long partner that young?"
"Some people do. My parents are high school sweethearts. I think they're happy together."
"I guess that means we're not one of the lucky ones."
"I suppose we're not. Still, doesn't mean we won't be. I think the only way it'll even be a possibility is to risk it."
She gave him a reticent smile, one that pulled to the side. "Is that hope in your words, Liam?"
He laughed. "I'm just trying to argue with you."
She squinted her eyes at him, her half-suppressed grin still in place.
"Yeah, okay. I'm also trying to convince myself," he conceded.
He lifted both his knees and rested his arms on them, hands held together. He studied the horizon. His eyes were now forest green, rich and deep, and his skin looked dark gold in the light of the setting sun.
As she waited for more, she turned in her spot to look out to the ocean too. In the tone of his silence, she imagined she could hear the thoughts running through his brain. She let him make up his mind, admiring the fading sunset next to him. There were faint clouds of a deep red where the ocean seemed to end, fading into pinks and violets and, above them, deep blue. Some stars had shown up, twinkling and bright.
"I think," he finally said, "the alternative is to doubt everyone, and the kind of relationship I want can't exist within that."
Well— shoot. He was right. The truth of his statement was heavy and scary and accurate.
She leaned to the side to bump his legs with her shoulder. "Can't argue with that."
"I don't blame her— the woman I was with. She probably thought she had to be like that to be liked, because that's what society teaches people. And I was a big part of what got me in that mess. I'm sure there are plenty of people who feel the way I do, and plenty of people I could meet that would be the right person for me, be it for friendship or something different. I need to believe that I'll find them, that's all."
She turned to look out to the horizon, still sitting by his knees. She sighed. "I think this conversation is something I'm going to take with me, Liam. Thanks for trusting me with it."
"You make it easy, Ana."
***
"Thanks for sharing your story, too," he said. She sat close to him yet not enough; from his place further back than her on the chair, he could see only part of her face.
"I meant the part about being friends, you know. A friend would share." She lifted her arms and casually braided her hair to the side. "I've stayed in contact with most people I worked with for my films. Getting to know someone like this makes me really care about them," she added, looking at him sideways and giving him a smile. He really liked her smile.
He moved forward on the chair, putting one leg down on the ground for balance. They were sharing the chair now, side by side, shoulder to shoulder.
"So you think you know me well enough yet?" he asked.
He didn't know what he was doing; whether he wanted to get reassurances that she enjoyed him as a person, or that she felt differently about him than the other people she had worked with in the past. Either way, he couldn't help himself.
"I think I'm still figuring you out," she replied, turning her head to look at him.
