Page 45 of Good Girls Like it Dirty
“I can’t believe this. I love you.” Pain flickered in his eyes. “I want to be with you. You’re the one who always talked about honesty, yet you never mentioned once taking the English exam earlier. And you said yes when I asked you to stay.”
“I was overwhelmed. You were fucking me when you asked. I’d have said yes to anything. Look, this baby news maybe isn’t so bad after all. This way, we can go for a clean break. Before things get too messy,” she said. Even if he didn’t go back to Ashley, she wouldn’t have to live with the knowledge that she had been the reason why. She didn’t want to be the reason why he wasn’t with his baby full time.
“You don’t mean it.”
“I do. Would it be fair to the baby if I started resenting not being able to follow my dreams to work elsewhere, if I had to stay here in California at your convenience?” she said, changing her strategy.
He sucked in a breath, then exhaled, his expression growing tired. “You wouldn’t do such a thing.”
“Maybe not right away. But a year in, yes. This is just the truth, Zaine. We had a passionate affair and tried to make it into something it’s not. You think you love me because of the intensity of our time together, but once you take a breather and see the big picture, you’ll know that going our separate ways is the best you can do,” she said, managing to keep a steady tone. All she wanted was to disappear from his view and find a safe place to cry or drink. Preferably both. But to be able to convince Zaine, she needed to sound sure.
“You’re lying, because you’re scared. You don’t think I can do both. Be yours and the baby’s.”
She lifted her hand in disagreement. “I don’t think I can do both. I don’t want to do both,” she said, pacing the floor, avoiding looking him in the eye. “I don’t want to be the one keeping this baby from having a real family. One day he or she will grow up and will listen to all the stories Ashley will be happy to tell.”
“You’re thinking way ahead.”
“Because someone has to. I’m sorry. All my life I did things for my family. Then I came here with a goal in mind. I can’t derail my dreams anymore—and blame you or the baby or Ashley. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“I don’t know what to say. I thought you were different.”
She stopped pacing and gave him one lingering look. The contours of his face hardened, and tears formed in the corners of his eyes. An instinct to reach out to him and hug him stabbed at her, but she stiffened, brushing it aside. Be strong. “It’s a good thing I’m not different. Makes it easy for everyone,” she said, leaving the room.
…
Three weeks later…
Dear Ms. Drummond, congratulations on being accepted into our international teaching program. We’re thrilled to have you join our team, and my assistant will call you soon to make arrangements.
Monique read the email again. Only two weeks after she’d broken up with Zaine, she’d been accepted into the program. During the past seven days, she’d been tying loose ends, packing, saying goodbye to people and places in California. The next day she’d fly to France, where she’d hug her family for a week or two until it was time to head to Africa.
“Are you ready to order?” the curly-haired waitress asked.
“Yes, please. I’ll have the salmon salad and your house white wine,” she said, proud of herself for gathering her strength to say goodbye to the restaurant where Zaine had taken her a couple of times, and where she’d met his best friend Nico and sister Emma.
A bittersweet nostalgia assailed her, and she caressed the table linen, wishing she had some company. Wishing she had Zaine.
Her throat began to thicken, but she cleared it, determined to make it through the supposedly celebratory meal.
Why did she choose to come to this place out of all the thousand eateries in LA?
Because I miss him.
The waitress brought her glass of white wine, and she thanked her, her voice so low, so filled with pain. She downed the liquid a bit quicker than necessary, eager to dissolve the knot throbbing in her throat.
No such luck. The yearning for him, for his touch on her skin, his warm embrace, his scorching kisses, remained strong. Time will help. A voice inside her laughed, but she had to think positive. Had to.
“Monique?” she heard a female voice call and turned her head in the direction.
Emma, his sister, waved at her from the sidewalk. “Hey. Mind if I join you?” she asked, already opening the small gate that led inside.
Guess not. Her heart raced a bit, part nervous, part excited. When Emma approached her, pretty as usual with her silky brown hair, she gave her a hug. “What a coincidence.”
“I used to have an in-house translating job in a company in this area, so I love visiting and shopping here,” Emma said. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you. I enjoyed meeting you, and well, I’m sorry about how things turned out between you and my brother.” Emma sat next to her. “Are you okay?”
Monique blinked, the pulse at the base of her neck throbbing. Get a hold of yourself. She supposed now she didn’t have to pretend not to be a hot mess, because she no longer was with Zaine. So who cared what anyone thought of her?
Monique nodded, for it was easier than lying.
