Page 4 of Derek
When he was ready to begin his work, he had me climb onto the table and lie on my side. He told me that if the pain got to be too much, just to let him know, then he took a needle to my back. Holy hell, he was right! The pain almost brought tears to my eyes, and. by the time he was done, I felt like I was going to throw up. In the end, I was excited to see what it looked like. Jay wasn’t sure if I should get all of the tattoos that I wanted done in one day, but I said we may as well go for it if he was willing to do it. It’s all going to hurt anyways, going over all the scarring, I may as well have the pain be all at once. It really did end up taking him all day to complete my new artwork, and I’m glad that he had the time to focus on just me, since the shop had been dead all day. The only time he would stop was when he would take breaks in between each tattoo to give me some resting time and go outside to smoke a cigarette.
After he was completely done, I made my way over to the shop’s massive floor length mirror and looked at my newly created armor. “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.” I whisper to myself, as I read the beautifully crafted words that are scrawled across the top of my right shoulder. After looking over the rest of my tats, I give Jay my seal of approval. He did an excellent job, and was honest with me when he couldn’t think of anything to put on my scar riddled tummy. Instead, he suggested a type of cream that was supposed to help reduce scarring and gave me instructions on how to properly care for my tattoos as my skin began the healing process. I thank him for his kind words and work, but deep down, I already knew that I was determined to get my ghastly stomach covered up someday, because those scars are the ones I hate the most. I refuse to look at them for the rest of my life.
A few weeks after my tattoos completely healed, I found myself back at Jay’s parlor, but this time I wasn’t there for the ink. Jay greeted me with a warm hug as I stepped into his shop, then took me over to Ty, who would be doing my piercings. I know in my mind that I’m going a little crazy with all of this, but my heart is screaming that I need to do it. There were a few different places that I felt the urge to put a hole in, but Ty suggested that I only get one piercing done at a time. I said no, and after a few minutes of debate, we finally decided that doing four piercings in one sitting would be acceptable. I think Ty could see that I wanted today to be the end of my physical transformation, and while I didn’t go as crazy with the piercings as I did with the tattoos, I was still happy with the results. After a few quick pricks of pain, I walk out of Jay’s shop with a Monroe piercing, which is basically and off centered lip piercing, a small stud in my right nostril, a Labret, and a hoop in my left eyebrow. One step closer to the new me, and now I only have one more thing left to do.
After I left Jay’s shop, I headed over to Rosie’s so she could do my hair. Caleb always loved my long blonde, thick, flowing hair, so I decided to get rid of it and do something dramatic. The first thing that popped into my mind was: Dreads. Beautiful dreads. It took over three hours to complete, and it hurt like hell, but I I’m in love with my new twisted locks. Some people might think that my new look is over the top, but I need this. Caleb never let me wear makeup, change my hair color, or even wear earrings. This new look is all about erasing Caleb’s favorite things about my body.
When my hair make-over is completed, I headed over to the mall and bought an entire new wardrobe. It was all edgy; nothing I’d normally buy. Definitely nothing like the shit that Caleb used to make me wear.
After my new look was complete, I felt like a whole new person. I felt free.
Gayle stares at me after I walk in to the door and lay my shopping bags down on to the ground. At first she doesn’t say anything, but I can tell that she is worried about the changes.
“And here I thought you were losing your mind when you came home with tattoos last month. Girl, at the rate you’re going, I won’t be able to recognize younextmonth.” Gayle pointedly stares at me for a few minutes longer until a smile cracks her face and she embraces me into a warm hug, gently rubbing circles on my back.
“Honey, you’re beautiful. I know that it’s important for you to take back control of your body, and I’m going to support you every step of the way.”
I let out a breath that I didn’t realize I was holding and return her hug. Gayle is so good to me. I don’t know how I would have ever made it through the past few months without her.
Overthe next few hours, Gayle spends time with me, looking at my new piercings and grungy wardrobe. After having a mini heart attack when I came home from the tattoo parlor a few weeks back, I think she’s handling my latest transformation like a pro. Gayle wasn’t a fan of my ink at first, but after I went through and explained what each piece stood for and how it related to my world, she tearfully told me that they were beautiful and that she wants to get a few of her own now too!
That night, we have dinner together. Gayle makes a great chicken and potato meal, and I make one of those chocolate cakes in box for dessert. When it’s finally time to sit down to eat, she tells me about her day. The spa has been doing really well, but everyone misses me. I miss them too. Hell I miss my old life, and often wish I could go back to the time before Caleb, when I was wild and carefree, but there is just no place for me there anymore. Hell, I don’t know if there is a place for me anywhere in this world anymore.
We go on to talk about the trial and Caleb’s sentence. I break down a little when I tell her about seeing him for the first time in months, while sitting in the court room, and waiting for his sentencing.
“Gayle, he looks so much different now… older and less fit, and the worst part is that some fucked up part of me even feels a little sorry for him,” is what I want to tell her, but, I don’t. Instead I listen to her tell me that she is happy about how strong I am, how proud she is that I’m getting my life back on track, instead of letting the bull shit pull me under.. It’s nice to hear, but inside, I don’t feel strong at all.
I feel weak.
Scared.
Nervous.
Always looking behind my back.
Sometimes, I wonder if there is such a thing as happiness and love…
How can I believe in anything? Life with Caleb started off great, but then hell took over. How can things start off beautifully, but then take a turn for the worse?
I know that Gayle would listen to me and help me sort through my emotions if I truly opened up to her and told her how I really felt, but right now, my mouth stays firmly sealed, while trying my best to put on a small smile and assure her that everything is going to be ok now. I wish I could assure her that Caleb is nothing but a thing of the past.
Maybe one day he will be, but at the moment he’s still here, present as ever…in my mind.
~***~
I came home from work early because I didn’t have any more appointments. I notice Caleb’s car in the driveway and I’m confused. He doesn’t get off work until five, and it’s only two. I cautiously make my way into our home and hear noises coming from upstairs. I start to walk up the stairs when I hear a female scream out. What the hell? I run the rest of the way up and throw open my bedroom door. What I see shocks me to the core; the man I love is cheating on me right before my eyes. Caleb is naked and some girl is on all fours, with Caleb just plowing into her.
“What the hell is going on?” I scream.
Both Caleb and the girl jump out of the bed and scramble to get their clothes on. “It’s not what it looks like, babe.”
“Not what it looks like? Are you fucking kidding me? You are screwing some whore on my fucking bed!” I yell at him, while pointing at the blonde getting dressed and failing miserably. I look over to her. “Did you know he was engaged?”
“No, he said he lived here with his sister.” She says, voice shaking. She was beautiful and seemed almost innocent.
I laugh. “Sister?” I look over to Caleb. “Seriously? You said I was your sister?”
“Baby, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”
