Page 17 of Not Since Ewe
Only I couldn’t. Not yet. I hadn’t asked him what he wanted thirty years ago, but now I needed to know.
“If it had been up to you, what would you have wanted me to do?”
He tensed at my question, his hand stilling on my back. “I would have wanted whatever you wanted. Only I would have wanted to be right there with you through all of it, whatever you decided to do.”
“Don’t cop out. If I’d left the decision completely up to you, what would you have wanted to do? Would you have wanted me to get an abortion?”
I felt him flinch. “Shit, Tess. I can’t—” He drew in a long breath and let it out again. “I would have paid for it and driven you to the clinic if that was your choice, but I never would have told you to do that.”
“Would you have wanted to keep the baby? To raise her ourselves? To marry me?”
Ever since I’d met Erin today, I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what-ifs. What if Donal and I had tried to stay together and kept her? Would we be one big happy family today? Had I thrown away the chance to turn our mistake into something wonderful?
A deep sigh rumbled through his chest. “I honestly don’t know. My first instinct was that I had to marry you and take care of you and the baby. But I think that was coming from a sense of duty rather than what I actually wanted. I’m not convinced it was the right instinct either. I mean…can you even imagine us married?” The way he said it made it clear he couldn’t.
I huffed out a laugh, pretending that didn’t hurt. “No.”
“I doubt we would have made a very happy family—or very good parents. Especially at that age. Jesus, I was such a dumbass at eighteen.”
“Are you implying you’re not anymore?” The instinct to tease him was automatic, but this time there was no venom in it. It was how we’d always been with each other. That competitive push and pull, goading one another, came as naturally as breathing. It was only when things had fallen apart that it turned toxic.
When he laughed, it vibrated through his body and mine. “I’ll have you know I’m a much more experienced dumbass now.”
“Glad to hear you’ve grown.”
“All I’m saying is maybe the way it worked out was for the best.” His hand smoothed up and down my back again, and I closed my eyes, surrendering to the sensation. “Do you think she had a good family who gave her a happy childhood?”
The anxious concern in his voice brought a faint smile to my lips. “I think she did. She seems well-adjusted and comfortable in her own skin.”
“There you go. Who knows how badly we would have screwed her up.”
I remembered I hadn’t told him the big news yet. What with all the fighting, I’d almost forgotten. “She’s pregnant, by the way.”
Donal’s hand stilled on my back. “Pregnant?”
“She’s still in the first trimester, due in November. Her husband’s a software engineer. It’s their first child.”
“You know what that means? We’re going to be grandparents. Fuck me. That’s crazy.”
“Yeah, I know. Can you imagine?”
“Yeah, actually. I can.” The smile in his voice was unmistakable. “What else did you find out?”
I shifted, getting more comfortable on Donal’s chest. He lifted his arm while I squirmed, then draped it back over me once I’d settled. “She grew up in Deerfield.”
“Hey, that’s not bad. Probably nicer than the neighborhood we grew up in.”
“Her parents are both still alive, but they divorced when she was thirteen. She said her mother is a science teacher also.” I chewed on my lip. “That must mean they had a good relationship, right? If Erin wanted to be a teacher like her mother?”
Donal’s arm tightened around me. “Yeah. It sounds like she had a pretty okay life without us.”
“She asked me a lot of questions. She seemed really curious to know more about us.”
“What’d she want to know?”
“All about you, of course.”
“Yeah?” He sounded pleased.
