Page 121 of High Treason
Maybe she could find an escape from the nightmares.
She’d move forward. “Liam’s betrayal paralyzed me, especially when recalling his every word added another rung on the ladder of lies. I believed him. Put him higher in my life than he should have been. I thought we were a divine team destined to bring down enemies of the US. Then I picked up intel pointing to him as a monster, taking thousands of dollars from a known terrorist who’d been suspected of biological warfare. I followed it up. Confirmed his guilt. I tried to confront him, but he disappeared. I went to Jeff with the findings and led a team to bring him down.” She squeezed his hand in an effort to keep her emotions intact. “The faces of the dead men, women, and children will never leave me. Not a day goes by that I don’t see them again.”
“I’m really sorry.”
“There’s more. From the moment he showed interest in me, I let my faith slip. Liam said he was a believer, but he preferred a motorcycle ride in the country or a walk in the park over a church service. At first, I protested. Wasn’t long before I allowed him to dictate what I did not only on Sunday but every day of the week. The things I valued about my faith fizzled. We lived together, though I swore I’d never give myself to a man without the sanctity of marriage. I thought he loved me as much as I loved him.” She stopped to breathe and manage the debilitating weakness hammering against her lungs. “I put Liam in God’s place. When I realized my stupidity killed so many people, the guilt and shame rested on me for forsaking my faith.”
“From what I’ve learned, God is forgiving.”
“You’ve uncovered quite a bit.”
He started to speak, then shook his head. “I’ll tell that story on another day. Am I right in assuming you can’t forgive yourself?”
Her stomach burned. “I pushed God aside for a man who was the devil incarnate.”
“You blame yourself for something out of your control.”
“Are you sure you’re not a shrink?”
“I need one myself.” His denial soothed her.
She glanced away, then back to him. “My actions won’t leave me alone.”
“Has your God indicated you aren’t worth His time?”
“It’s not Him.”
“Are you a candidate for change?”
She wanted to be one. If only she could get past the blackness that mocked her. Had the time arrived for her to accept His forgiveness and herself? She looked into Kord’s eyes, the man who’d offered to spoon-feed her when her hands trembled. The man who confused her in far too many ways. The man who’d found a place in her heart.
The worst needed to be said. “I’m afraid the shot I fired into Liam was more about my personal vengeance than preventing a man from killing others.”
“Why?”
She thought about truth setting her free. “I’ve often thought I should resign from the CIA. Taking a life to get even is motive for a criminal.”
“What if you hadn’t pulled the trigger? What would have happened?”
She’d considered the same thing. “He was on his way to take botulism to the Sudanese government when we caught up to him.”
“I’m listening.”
“You’re not an interrogator. I’ve come this far. Might as well finish. Liam was hiding in a small village. We located the hut, and I asked for an opportunity to confront him. Thought I could talk him into surrendering. If we engaged him in a firefight, innocent people could be killed. Getting Liam to confess and give intel would’ve helped us stop those involved.”
“So you approached him alone?”
The whole nightmare replayed, the villagers grabbing their children and scurrying to their huts. The heat and the smell of Africa. “I called out to him. Asked him to put down his weapon. No one else needed to die. He laughed. He reminded me of my weakness and stupidity.” She recalled her threadbare faith and how she’d felt too undeserving to ask God for help. “I made it to the opening and walked inside. I was deadly calm. Filled with rage. He aimed his firearm at my chest. A rustle outside the hut caught his attention, giving me a moment to take the advantage. He lost his balance, and I dove after him. He fired into my shoulder. I sent a bullet to his head.” She paused to rein in her emotions. “The blood covered both of us.”
“His death was not your fault.”
She swiped beneath her eyes, and he handed her a tissue from the nightstand. “I hated him for his lies.”
“You loved him, and he tore out your heart. But if you hadn’t pulled the trigger, you’d be dead along with probably countless others.”
“That seems cold, callous.”
“When we’re hurt and don’t understand the actions of those we love, nothing seems rational.”
