Page 78 of Defying Ella
His responding smile was tiny but I’d take the win. He started walking, and I fell into step, our hands still twined together.
We walked for a good five minutes in silence. The drunk Friday-night crowd filled the streets and each time someone passed too close I tensed, but no one seemed to pay him any mind in the open air. Police riot vans sat parked at the top of the pedestrianised streets, waiting for trouble.Too bad they hadn’t been at the club.
“Have you thought about a bodyguard?”
“Matt nearly forced one on us,” he grumbled, his voice much stronger than it had been outside the club.
“Why nearly?”
“The tour came up before he got it into place.” He shrugged, a complete lack of concern for the stalling of safety measures for the band. “The dates were so tightly packed, we figured we’d be moving around too much and not out of the venue or off the buses for long enough to require more than the general tour security.”
My brows furrowed at the illogical response. Something didn’t fit right.
He blew out a breath. “We might have all been resistant to the idea.”
“You were resistant to being safe?” I asked, failing to hide my contempt for their stupidity.
“No. Not the safety.” He chewed his lip while we continued down the street at a brisk pace, like he had a destination in mind. “It feels stupid now, but I guess, we didn’t want the intrusion of strangers dictating our actions.”
We turned a corner by the City Hall. Then Jared urged me to take a seat on a low wall next to the path.
“Don’t you think having security would help your anxiety?” I asked, turning towards him as he sat.
His thigh brushed mine and my gaze dropped to our entwined hands. I should have pulled away.
“Possibly. I’ll think about it, but that’s not why I wanted to go for a walk.” He studied my face while his knee bounced beneath our joined hands. “I owe you an apology.” He shook his head. “Multiple apologies.”
I stiffened, surprised, but also itching to get away. I didn’t need his apologies. In fact, the thought of hearing them made me uneasy.
“We don’t need to do that right now.”
Jared squeezed my hand. “But I do. I’m sorry, Ella. Sorry for hitting on Mia. Sorry for not trusting you. Sorry for giving you pieces of myself and trying to take it all away.” He shifted towards me with pain blanketing his expression. He caught my other hand. “You were right. I hate where I’ve ended up, fearing every little change or truth will be the end of my happiness.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Not in as many words, no, but that’s what the mask is, that’s why I played into the rock star image, picking up strangers and being a moody unpredictable bastard.” He took a deep breath and smiled for the first time since I found him. “I’ve learnt my lesson. If I carry on like this, I’ll lose everything anyway and it’ll be all my fault.”
He caressed a finger down the side of my face. A softness entered his green eyes. “I’ve already done too much damage. I’m going to talk to the band and a therapist. I don’t want to let my fears rule me anymore, Els.”
“That’s….” Not at all what I’d expected to come out of his mouth.
Neither had I expected to ever see that look in his eyes again. If I let myself fall for it, I’d be right back where I started a week ago, falling for Jared and dealing with a cracking heart.
“I hope it helps.” I disconnected our hands before standing. His brow wrinkled and he followed me up. “It’s very late. We should head home.”
“Of course, but I wanted to explain what happened at the lodge.”
“I already know what happened.” I crossed my arms and let out my frustration. “I don’t need to rehash this, Jared. You were using me to pass the time. It’s not something I particularly want to relive. Once was enough.” Reaching into my handbag, I hunted for my phone. “Now, I’m going to order a taxi and you should do the same.”
I turned away from him, but he griped my arm, pulling me back. Hurt lined his eyes, something I refused to believe true.
“I wasn’t using you.” He lowered his head and dropped his voice. “I meant everything I said before we were rescued. I just… you know I have an issue with letting fear control me.”
Why would that fact alter how I felt about it all?
Today might be a revelation to him, but it wasn’t to me. After days of feeling sorry for myself, I couldn’t go back to that, couldn’t let him derail my progress.
“I don’t need you to answer or believe me tonight, Els.” He smiled, squeezing gently. “I’ve got a lot of work to do, but I’m coming back to you, okay?”
