Page 37 of Defying Ella
He grimaced. “I’m not sure I’d go that far.”
“Oh, I would.” I chuckled at his pained expression. “For a week, you were a different person. Or at least, that’s the impression you’ve given me ever since. You were relaxed and you left that perpetual frown outside my front door.” I gestured to his compressed lips. I watched him squirm as I drained my wine glass. Leaning forward, I fixed him with my best impressions of Mel’s no-nonsense stare. “So which was it, Jared? Were you pretending that week or did you actually let your guard down?”
“Do you think it’s a good idea to rehash all of this?” He swallowed before emptying his own glass with shaking hands.
Satisfaction spread through me, and I leaned back in my chair, crossing my arms. “I’ll give you a secret if you tell me.”
“What makes you think I want to know?” He leaned towards me, pushing his plate aside.
My gaze traced his eager posture. A grin stretched my lips as realisation hit him. He picked up another bottle, uncorking it without breaking eye contact. He worried his lip again and despite his hesitation, he failed to hide his curiosity while he topped up our glasses.
“Fine. You first.”
This might not be your best tipsy idea, Els.
I glanced at the two empty bottles at our side. Sure, itcould backfire spectacularly but playing it safe with Jared hadn’t gotten me anything more than heartache.
“I hate spending all my time with famous overachievers.” I blurted the words out and swallowed down half the glass.
His brow furrowed. “What does that mean?”
“I graduated from uni with no clue what I wanted to do beyond travel. So I did that. For a year and a half, I went wherever I wanted and did whatever I fancied without worrying about anything beyond picking up low maintenance jobs to restock my savings whenever they ran low.” I couldn’t look at him and strip myself bare, so I watched the light ricochet off my glass instead. If he wanted to judge me, he could do it without my knowing.
“Then I started to get itchy. I’d missed so much at home, my friends were securing promotions and getting mortgages and I felt…” I chanced a glance at him. Something about his riveted expression gave me courage. “Left behind,” I whispered.
“So you came home, but it didn’t help.”
Our gazes locked. Did he understand?
I shook my head. “No, I still didn’t know what I wanted. Still don’t even know. I’m twenty-four and the thought of working another day at some dead-end job gives me nightmares. I can’t play nanny for my sister forever and I won’t go back to a call centre.”
“What does this have to do with famous people?”
“Oh my god, Jared, you’re not that obtuse. Dude, you might not like to admit it, but you’ve got more talent in your stupidly strong forearms than most people have in their entire bodies. You can play multiple instruments, you’re part of a very popular band,andyou can cook.” I hid behind my wine glass as I rushed through the rest. “And you’re actually an okay person to be around when you’re not trying to push everyone away.”
Silence met my declaration, so I barrelled on. “Ryan’s aseriously talented songwriter. James, too. Dan pretends he likes to coast, but you’re all a bit too focused on making the big time for me to actually believe his laidback image is real.”
I placed the glass on the table and leaned toward him. “My point is that spending months on tour with you all hurt. How the hell am I meant to hide from the truth when I have to watch you perform to sold-out venues, night after night, completing interviews like you were born to charm the pants off anyone within earshot?”
He reached for my hand, squeezing it while his heat soaked into my chilled skin. “If you’re trying to tell me you’re a waste of space, I don’t believe you.”
“I’m not a waste of spaceyet.” I threaded our fingers together. In for a penny, in for a pound. “It finally hit me one night. I thought I was being carefree and enjoying my life, that I went home because I missed my family. Now, that was all a lie. Being on tour, playing at babysitter, when half the time, Mel didn’t need me… I have no purpose, Jared, and every single person in my life has spent years humouring me.” The words caught in my throat and I swallowed against it, forcing myself to finish. “And it needs to end, I just don’t know how.”
Self-consciousness swept through me as the silence stretched around us. I resisted the desperate urge to cover my face and tell him to forget it.
This is why you don’t drink a bottle and a half of wine with handsome men. It never ends well.
“You’ll never be a waste of space, Els,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. “I’m not exactly a pinnacle of perfectly laid plans, but I refuse to believe that someone as strong and determined as you couldn’t figure out a fulfilling path.”
He turned my hand over, his fingers dancing softly across my palm, urging me to look at him. Just as I gave in, the lights flickered.
“Did you see that?” I frowned at the ceiling and the array of lights above our heads.
Jared released my hand, and the entire lodge plunged into darkness.
I’d thought the silence was deafening before.
I’d been wrong.
