Page 67 of Savior
“Dean?” She says, though now her voice sounds as if she’s under water… Or am I? “Dean… breathe, honey.”
Staggering forward as my pulse thunders in my ears, I stumble between two of the bar stools at my kitchen island. Vanna is at my back, griping my arm with one hand, her other hand rubbing my back. I can still hear her, but she sounds so far away.
The test results are on the counter top before me… Like they had been that horrible night six years ago… I blink hard as I try to focus. To see them for what they are.
A positive pregnancy test.
There is no purple Jar of Hearts stationary in sight.
No divorce papers. No paternity test to obliterate my soul and sanity for good this time…
Braced against the counter, my blurry, trembling hand reaches for the paper, dragging it closer against the cold marble, so that I might see it better. Vanna is still by my side, clutching my arm. I can almost feel her, the cold numbness that took over my body beginning to subside. Though, my heart is still racing, slamming against my rib cage, blood still thunders in my ears. I take a shuddering breath as my Demons continue to torment me…
Fool! You’re incapable…
Useless!
It’s impossible!
It can’t be yours!
She betrayed you…
“Shut up!” I shout out loud, causing Vanna to startle and recoil from me. I didn’t mean her… “Not you…” I manage to say on a strangled sob, my eyes squeezing shut so that I don’t have to risk seeing what I know must be a pained expression on her face. I’ve never yelled at her like that before… Not even after everything that happened last night. She doesn’t know I was actually screaming at the dark, taunting voices in my own fuckin’ head.
As if she understands, I feel her return to my side, her fingers stroking through my hair, attempting to soothe me in that way she knows usually does. Once again, I try for the paper, attempting to pick it up, only managing to grip it in my fist as I turn to face her.
“How?” The words barely escape my strangled throat.
“It happens.” Vanna says, almost cautiously. “The doctor said it isn’t uncommon… A low count isn’t zero… And I stopped taking the birth control a while ago, when we thought that…” She pauses to take a little breath, before she says once again, “It’s yours, Dean. Ours.”
My knees buckle and I sink to the floor, my back sliding down the side of the kitchen island, until I’m sitting between two bar stools, staring at the paper crunched in my fist.
Vanna crouches down before me, her little hand gently coaxing my clenched fist open to retrieve the results of her test. Unable to think straight, only stare at her in shocked bewilderment, I watch as she reaches up to place the now very wrinkled paper on a stool beside us. She then guides my hand towards herself… her lower abdomen, pressing my hand against the soft fabric of her blouse. I can feel the warmth of her body right through it… Where a life now grows inside of her… I stare with damn near tunnel vision at my hand on her. Her little hand on mine.
I’m suddenly aware she’s stroking my face as well, and I bring my focus up to meet her gaze as her thumb gently swipes the wetness beneath my eye. Her deep brown eyes are welling up now as she takes a quivering breath of her own before she speaks.
“I can’t tell if you’re happy about this… Or completely devastated.”
Devastated? No… but I don’t know what I am… Aside from being in complete and utter shock. I blink and my vision clears slightly.
“Dean?” her little voice whimpers, seeking assurances from me. I have to swallow the painful lump in my tight throat before I can even try to speak. “Do you not want this?” she whispers again.
I’ve never wanted anything more. Especially with her. This was an impossible dream I beat down within myself for years. Since Lucinda deceived me about Maddie and tore a hole in my soul the size of a fuckin’ crater. Every time I began to imagine this happening with Vanna, I beat those hopes and dreams away as well… It hurt too fucking much to fantasize about something so beautiful, so fucking perfect, that I whole heartedly believed I’d never get to have with her.
“Dean, please… Say something.” She begs, almost a cry, her hand over mine, pressing harder. “Do you not want this?”
I force the words out for her, “I want this more than anything… Is this something you want?”
God knows she couldn’t have seen this coming. I was so sure this was an impossibility. The fact that this never happened with Lucinda, was surely a sign that we were never meant to be. Vanna is my other half. But… does she truly want this? I’d never do anything to force this upon her. Especially not after having us both convinced, we’d never be in this situation together.
“Baby, you can be honest with me.” I say the words with sincerity, because I do mean them. It’s her body. Her choice. Though I can’t help the fact that I’m staring at her in silent prayer… Please, please want this… I attempt to steel myself as I ask her once more, “Do you, Vanna?”
Her soulful brown eyes soften as she seems to look right into my soul. A warm smile curves her mouth. “I think I was in shock at first… but, yes. I do want this, Dean.”
Relief floods my system as I take a quivering breath, thanking a God that might exist, after all. “Is… Is it a boy… Or a girl?” I ask.
She shakes her head, giving me a little smile now. “It’s too soon to tell yet… I’m only a few weeks along.” She explains, then bites her bottom lip, her brows furrowing the tinniest bit, but I notice.
