Page 68 of Miss Behaved
Doing our thing.Is that how she sees this?
Monica drops her gaze and shrugs again.
What the actual fuck is she talking about right now?
I know we didn’t talk about where we actually stand with each other after we leave here, but it didn’t feel like we were going to be cutting all ties. Not to mention, these last couple of days sure didn’t feel like we were “single people doing our thing.” After all, this is Monica. Not some random from a club.
“Why are you doing this?” I ask her, trying to stifle the snap in my tone.
“Doing what?” Monica says flatly. “Pointing out facts?”
“I thought this…” I wave my arms between us. “Well, it felt like something.”
She dips her chin, and her hair falls over her face. When she looks back up, the walls building up in her eyes have fully formed. “I’m not doing anything. You’re the one who made it clear where we stood with each other when you walked away ten years ago.”
“We talked about that. I let my dad get in my head and do what he always fucking does. I should have never left.”
“And so now it’s just all better?” she says, choking on the words.
“Well, no,” I say. It’s all coming out wrong, but I thought we’d at least worked our way past what happened back then.
My feet are in quicksand. The more I move, the more I say, the deeper it pulls me under.
“I forgive you, okay?” Monica crosses her arms over her chest. She’s physically shutting down. Emotionally closing off. Fences and walls go up in the space between us, climbing higher and higher. “I’m letting go of the past.”
“Why does it feel like you’re also letting go of us?”
“Because maybe I am.”
She pauses with a sharp inhale, like maybe she wishes she could take the words back.
Please take the words back.
She doesn’t.
“I forgive you, Carson. I know why you walked away. And honestly, it was the right decision, even if I couldn’t see it then. We were kids. We had our whole lives ahead of us and a lot of growing up to do.” She shifts her stance, and I hope she’ll come closer and take away the pain of this tug-of-war. “But even if it was the right thing to do, I can’t risk this again.You. Us. You broke my heart, and if you break it again, I don’t think I’ll recover.”
Something that feels a lot like tears burns behind my eyes.
But I don’t cry.
I don’t flinch.
I don’t lose control.
“We’re good. You and me, I promise,” Monica continues, and I feel the exact opposite. “I’m glad we had this time together so we could both finally move on.”
“Move on?” I don’t realize I say the words out loud until Monica’s single nod confirms it. Anger bubbles in my chest. Even if it’s my own fault this is happening, she’s the one cutting open the wound right now and letting the infection seep out.
“You’re getting in your own fucking way,” I tell her. “Like you always do. Because it’s scary, or uncomfortable, or risky, or whatever kind of label you want to put on it. You can’t live like that, Mon. That’s just you being a coward.”
She inhales like my words whipped her. Her arms are now down at her sides, and her hands are making small fists.
She’s pissed. But whatever. I’m fucking pissed too.
“I’m not a coward, I’m facing reality.” She steps toward me this time, but it’s pure heat driving her. “We work fine out here in this desert. Between these four walls, you can screw me, and we can have fun, and it feels so good that it’s easy to start thinking it’s something more. But it’s not real. It’s a bubble out in space where we can play pretend and ignore our actual lives waiting for us back at home. Twoveryseparate homes in two completely different cities.”
She takes a breath and tries to pull herself together, but everything keeps tumbling out. “I’ve been sitting around waiting for a fairy tale. Heck, I think I’ve been unknowingly waiting for this dream that we’ve been living in for the past week. You getting your head out of your ass so we could finally be together. But the truth is, I’ve been waiting around for the impossible. Because last week doesn’t change what happened, it doesn’t change where we live, and it doesn’t change that we’ve grown up and things are different.”
