Page 104 of Perfect Distraction
“I thought we were breaking up because you think you make me unhappy. That’s even shittier bullshit.”
Another pause. “Who are you and what have you done with Lauren Taylor?”
“Don’t make a joke.”
“I’m not joking. You’re freaking me out.”
“You’re pissing me off.”
“I can tell.” A rustling noise came through the speaker, like he was shifting position. “What makes you think things would be any different if we weren’t together? You not pointing out my symptoms is the same as if I had no girlfriend at all. If you hadn’t been with me, the end is the same.”
“Did Emma ask you if you’d had any shortness of breath or difficulty breathing when she examined you on Friday?”
“Yeah, she did.”
“What did you say?”
“I said no.”
Exactly as she suspected. “Did you even think about it?”
“Of course I did. I thought about the night before when we were all over each other and how she didn’t need to know about that kind of heavy breathing.”
“My point exactly,” she nearly yelled. “If you’d been sitting at home on your couch with the same difficulty taking in a breath, you’d have said something, right?”
“Maybe, but that’s ridiculous. Are you saying that anyone who gets this chemo regimen can’t hook up with their significant other because they might mistake a chemo side effect for being turned on?”
“I’m not talking about other people. I’m talking about us, and what happened, and I missed it. And that could be directly responsible for you getting the drug again, when you were already showing signs of toxicity.” She turned into a small parking lot and put the car in park. She couldn’t pay attention to the road any longer. She was nauseous and cold, and her heart felt like a stone inside her chest. “I just think it’s best if we back off for now. Stay away from each other for the time being, while you finish your treatment.”
“I still love you,” he said.
She closed her eyes. “I love you, too.”
“Then why are we doing this?” It sounded like he was asking himself as much as her.
“I don’t know why you’re doing it, but I’m doing it because I want you to live.”
“It feels like this is what will kill me. Not the cancer, not the chemo. Being away from you is what will do it.” He sniffed once. “But I don’t want to do this to you anymore. Drag you along in my misery and pain. It’s selfish and unfair and I won’t.”
“I hate you when you say things like that.”
“I hate myself when I think about what I’ve put you through.”
She sighed, long and heavy, the sound of her breath echoing inside the car. “Any tears I’ve cried over you have been because I care so much. Surely you understand that.”
He made a noncommittal noise.
They sat there, he at her house and she in her car, with phones to their ears and saying nothing. Was he wishing she’d change her mind, like she wished he would? Hoping she’d say this was stupid and ridiculous, and could they forget the last ten minutes ever happened?
Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t. She’d never know.
Tears fell freely from her eyes, and she didn’t want him to hear her fall apart. “I need to go. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“When?” he asked, but she’d already lowered the phone from her ear.
She hung up, dropped the phone on the passenger seat, and let herself cry.
The two weeks that followed were the worst of Lauren’s life. Worse than the days after discovering Will’s infidelity and deception. She’d thought she’d loved Will and that she knew what it was to have her heart broken.
