Page 114 of Perfect Distraction
He raised one back. “I have to say things like that, you know. I have to think about the future like it’s an actuality for me. If I don’t, I’ll go back to where I was the day we broke up. To wanting to protect you from loving a man who might be dying, and who might leave you soon. Deep down, I know that’s possible. But for now, until I hear the words terminal or incurable, I have to believe I’m going to be okay and that I’ll be able to give you a long, happy life.”
Lauren held up a hand. “That right there? I’m not doing that. I’m choosing you as you are, unknowns and all. I meant what I said, that I don’t need you, Andrew. I don’t need a man to provide for me. It’s not your responsibility to give me a certain kind of life—I can do it on my own. I already am. I want you for no other reason than because I love you. Just being with you makes my life better. So please, let that go. I won’t accept the thought that you’ll try to push me away again—”
“I wasn’t the only one pushing,” he interrupted, but she shook her head and kept going.
“I’m in this because I love you, and we’re great together. I want to be with you whether you’re rich or poor, healthy or sick, happy or sad. You make me happier than I’ve ever been. I’ve never known you without cancer, do you realize that? That’s part of the Andrew Bishop package I chose from the start, and I’d do it all over again. Every time.”
A genuine smile had formed on his lips as she spoke, but at the end an ornery gleam entered his eye. “You still haven’t seen the whole package, you know. You might change your mind…or be the happiest woman on the planet. You sure you want to take that risk?”
“Andrew. Be serious.” Besides, she had some idea what she was dealing with, and she didn’t think he’d disappoint.
He sobered. “I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want you.” He broke his own rule and scooted closer to her, gently cupping a hand around the back of her neck. “But what I felt, just now? When you told me about Jasmine? It was terrible. And I know she’s going in the backpack category for me, because she’ll stay with me, in whatever small part, forever. And if the pain you’d be in, if I lose this battle, is like you say and will be so much worse than that? I…” He gripped her neck tighter. “I don’t know if I can bear doing that to you.”
She gazed at him sadly, tenderly. “Even if you walked away right now, and we never spoke again, I’d feel that way. It’s too late, don’t you see that? It’s too late for me to ever think of you as anything other than the love of my life. We both have to let go of the things we can’t control, and hold on to the things we can. Like being together right now. I’ll choose these moments over any alternative, no matter how this ends.”
Andrew pulled her close and kissed her. His lips were slow and determined, like he was communicating something he couldn’t seem to put in words.
And she understood him perfectly.
…
A week later, Lauren and Jeni sat in a booth at Republic, having dinner after a day of shopping. Other than texting her to check on Andrew, Lauren had avoided Jeni during the breakup as well. She’d apologized for being so distant when they first met up that afternoon, and Jeni had waved her off with a smile and a hug.
“I’m just glad you’re back together,” Jeni had said. “He was driving me crazy. Don’t ever do that to me again, okay?”
Lauren didn’t plan on it.
They’d just finished eating, and as they waited for the server to bring the check, Jeni asked, “So, how do you feel about St. Louis?”
“The city? Nice arch, I guess.”
Jeni laughed. “I meant Andrew’s St. Louis thing.”
Lauren frowned. “What St. Louis thing?”
Jeni returned her confused expression. “Andrew’s interview at the DA’s office in St. Louis.” She paused. “He didn’t tell you?”
Lauren’s pulse slowed way down. “No, he didn’t mention it.”
Though her face still appeared unsure, Jeni shrugged. “Oh…well, maybe something has changed. I’m sure he would have said something if he was still considering it.”
Lauren rubbed her thumb along the seam of the leather booth. She thought about asking Jeni if she knew more, decided against it. “I’m sure you’re right,” she said. He’d tell me.
Wouldn’t he? Surely, now that they were back together, and after all the things they’d talked about, he’d tell her he was considering a job in St. Louis.
But uncertainty continued to build throughout the evening, and by the time she and Jeni parted ways, insecurity coursed through her. What if he was just too afraid to say something?
Only one way to find out. She sent Andrew a single text.
Lauren: We need to talk.
