Page 119 of A Shade of Myself
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I lefta dozen frantic messages for Ryann, hoping that something James said could explain this in a way that made everything all right. But he’d evaded the Lonestars, who believed Dagmar that she didn’t have him either.
I hid like a coward for the next two days, texting Tatiana and Laurent that I’d come down with the stomach flu.
The only ones I shared my discovery with were Jude and Eli, both of whom sat in stunned silence as I finished up the story. I’d waited until Sunday after lunch to speak with them when Sadie was out with Caleb.
“No matter what your parents did,” Jude said, “your memories of who they were to you are valid.”
I buried my head in my hands. “How can I even trust my memories? It’s like how Sadie knew I was keeping something from her about my magic. What if on some level my younger self knew they were horrible, and I built them into something else to make myself feel better?”
“You can go all Blade Runner with every memory you have and drive yourself crazy wondering if it’s real or you can accept it at face value,” Eli said.
Jude refilled our glasses from the pitcher of lemonade. “Why did you shut your magic down?”
I frowned. “Because I was terrified my parents’ killer would come after me.”
“And because you were so angry at them for leaving you that you didn’t want to be anything like them.” She held up a hand when I started to protest. “You told me that years ago during a very drunk, very late-night talk.”
“I really said that?” I didn’t need her nod to feel the truth of it in my bones. “So, you think I knew what they were capable of and denied it?”
“No. I think you’ve been wrapped in grief and anger for so long that it’s pointless to speculate. Right here, right now, do you love them?”
“Yes, but—”
“Nope. No qualifications. The way I see it, you either embrace that and let all of this go, embrace it while you keep digging, or just hate them whether or not you do anything.”
“Very astute, Rachefsky,” Eli said.
She tilted her head. “It’s always easier to diagnose someone else. Regardless of what you decide about them, you must tell Tatiana. It’s a huge betrayal if you don’t.”
“Clearly you had no idea about any of this,” Eli said, “or you wouldn’t have gone to work for her.”
I gulped down half my glass, super parched from all my talking. “Fuck. I hadn’t even thought about that angle. What if she thinks that’s exactly why I went to work for her? To get close and finish the job?”
My phone rang but it was Emmett, so I declined the call.
Eli shook his head. “She won’t think that if you tell her, because only an idiot would give a heads-up.”
“She won’t trust me anymore though.” I hugged my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. “It’s worse if she already knows and hired me to keep an eye on me.”
“In which case, she never trusted you,” Jude said.
I moved my chair farther back into the shade under the tree in my backyard. “That’s you being helpful, is it?”
Jude shrugged. “I’ve been helpful enough today.”
Eli tasted his lemonade then made a face and stood up. “You have to do something beyond faking a stomach flu.”
Jude reached for her glass. “Does Laurent know?”
“No. He’s not into game playing like Tatiana. If my family had this kind of history with his, he’d never have helped me find you when you were abducted. Not for all the money in the world.”
“Do you think he’d go for payback if you told him?” Eli picked mint off a patch that grew wild in the corner of the garden.
I slowly spun my glass around, watching the ice clink together. “No, but for all his bitching about his aunt, the only way he’d stay friends with someone whose parents almost killed her, is if Tatiana knew and was okay with me. His loyalties are too black-and-white.”
“I don’t think you’re giving him enough credit,” Jude said softly.
