* * *
Every day and night,I try to sort through my feelings.
Hammer. Hammer. Hammer.
My thoughts are as relentless as my work. If I attack this problem with enough force, I can bend it to my will. I can make something useful out of it. Or the very least something I can understand, something I could explain when I’m inevitably confronted with Drew or Mother. Oh, old gods, how will I ever even manage to look them in the eyes after all that’s happened?
I don’t have an answer. For any of it. And I feel all the further from clarity as Ventos and I stand together in the receiving hall of the castle. It feels like I was just here with Ruvan, Callos, and Winny; it’s hard to believe the moon is already full overhead.
At least I have something to show for all my struggles. Even if my mental state is worse for wear from my relentless hammering at my situation, Ventos has a new sickle on his hip—perfect in every way. No leather guards the silver of the hilt from his grasp.
“How long will you be gone?” Quinn asks.
“Only a few hours, I hope.” I readjust my leather armor. It’s been cleaned, but it shows signs of wear from the trials that I’ve been through to get to this moment.
“A few hours?” Ventos is startled. I can already hear the rumbling working its way up his chest that comes out as a grumble. “I don’t want to risk being in the human world that long.”
“I said at most.” I give him a small glare and hold firm on my original time estimation. “I hope we can move faster than that as well. The longer I’m there, the more time there is for someone to recognize me. And if someone recognizes me, they will ask questions that I don’t have good answers for.” I’ve already begun debating what I might say if I am caught and cornered, but none of the rationales or excuses sounds good enough in my mind. At this point I’ll be making up a lie on the spot and that is guaranteed to end badly. I am many things, but a good liar is not one of them.
“Be safe, both of you.” It’s a wish and a command from Ruvan. He truly wants us to be safe, me included. That much I’m certain of. Somehow the sincerity makes the sentiment all the worse. If he cared—cares about me, then why would he pull away as he has? If I truly care, how did I let him?
I’ll talk to him when we return, I vow. I don’t like how unfinished things feel. And if I’m his wife now—as hard as that still is to think—then we need to sort things between us.
But far more troubling than our still evolving relationship is how he looks now. Ruvan is becoming haggard and thin. As the moon has grown, he has withered. His cheeks are gaunt and eyes sunken. I know he’s subsisting off of some blood, and perhaps the strength of the moon. I worry how much they’re depleting their stores to sustain him. And that makes his determination not to touch me—to drink from me—all the more confounding. He’s putting all of them at risk to not draw from me.
I know the rest of them can see his ailments. They’ve done more and more for him each night. His covenant works to help him as best they’re able by cleaning the table from our meager dinners, or bringing books and papers to him to read rather than he going himself to collect them.
I’m the one who could help him the most, and yet he still refuses me. Though…I haven’t exactly gone and offered. Much like the hunters and the vampir, I don’t know who’s at fault anymore and all I want is for the situation to be resolved.
“We’ll do our best,” I say to him. “Don’t worry; I’ll be sure to keep Ventos safe,” I add with a touch of arrogance, attempting to inject the slightest bit of levity into this heavy moment. I surprise myself in how successful I am. The rest of them chuckle at Ventos’s shift in expression.
“We’ll see who looks after who.” Ventos huffs. “Let’s get this over with.” He holds out his hand.
I meet Ruvan’s eyes one final time, hoping to convey my thoughts. When I’m back, we’ll talk. We’ll fix this. But I still don’t have the courage to say those words. So, instead, I take Ventos’s hand and hold my breath as we make our way back to the hamlet.
Shadow. Sharp on the lungs. Harsh on the eyes.
I gulp in salty sea air as we’re paused on a rock. Ventos doesn’t wait for me to catch my breath. I don’t ask him to. I won’t slow us down.
Darkness collapses on us once more with a pop.
We stand in a glade of night. Living shadow curls around us, taking the shapes of ghostly trees and plumage of the same shade. At our right is a large slab, overgrown with ivy and moss. The foliage is so thick that it’s nearly impossible to make out whatever words were once etched on it.
We move again.
And again.
And again.
Finally I rip my hand from Ventos’s to place both palms on my knees. I’m doubled over, breathless. I hold up my hand. “A minute, please.”
“Sorry,” he mumbles. “I wouldn’t want to jump so much but it’s hard to sense anything in the Fade, which makes it nearly impossible to catch my bearings.”
“It’s all right. I know you’re doing your best, but it’s hard on my body.”
“I can imagine.” Ventos looks warily out into the darkness. “We should keep moving though. I don’t like this place. It reeks of elf magic.”
“Was it this hard to get through on the night of the Blood Moon?” I straighten. “Ventos?”
“No,” he reluctantly admits, wiping his forearm across his brow. He’s exhausted, too, and we haven’t even made it yet to Hunter’s Hamlet. “The Fade was thinner and our power was stronger. It almost felt like walking through, then.”
“You do know where you’re going, right?”
“I think so. This place is so different from that night. As though the land itself has been shuffled… But I think we’re almost through.” He holds out his hand. I take it and brace myself.
Every muscle and joint in my body screams. Mist stepping is utter agony. I’m being ripped apart and stitched back together, time and again. But I grit my teeth and bear it because every burst of pain is one step closer to home.
The moon is low in the sky when we finally emerge to somewhere that looks familiar. I heave a sigh of relief and collapse into the marshy earth. The squishing and squelching of the mud doesn’t disturb me as it might have once. It’s real. We’ve crossed through that world of living shadow and are now back in the realm I’ve always known. I gulp deep breaths of the wet air of the marshes and stand with renewed vigor.
I’m home.
