CHAPTER39
I standat the precipice of the tower, at the top of the stairs, before the broken wall that leads to the beam to traverse back to the western wing of the castle. Wind and snow batter my face, freezing my tears to my eyelashes.
He didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it. We didn’t mean any of it. That’s what my heart tells me. We’re both navigating something new and complex, something neither of us have a primer on how to handle.
Moreover, I know how hard it is to have truths you hold so dearly they’re sacred be questioned. It’s hard. Scary, even. Ruvan is a good man and he’ll come to his better senses. He’ll believe me.
Or he won’t. That’s an uglier part of me speaking now. A weaker voice, that I thought I killed but was resuscitated by Ruvan’s actions. None of what’s happening between you two will matter once the curse is broken.
Was last night an exploration for us both that culminated into nothing more? Was it mere satiation? Will it mean anything when all this is over?
Or was our lovemaking the consummation of a genuine marriage?
I look back over my shoulder and into the gloom that lives in these empty, haunted halls. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I should stay and we should talk further. But the mere idea of going back there has panic worming up my throat. I imagine him digging in further. Neither of us is in a good enough place right now to talk productively. I’m going to need more proof if I want him to listen to me, which means I’m going to have to figure this out on my own.
Sighing, I turn back to the frigid air howling in the night.
Drew might be wrong about Ruvan’s and my future, but he wasn’t wrong about me being different now. I have the magic of the vampir within me—Ruvan’s magic strengthens me, protects me even when he’s far.
I leap into the air and land with confidence on the beam.
Even though the snow is just as thick—thicker—than the first time I crossed and the ice is just as perilous, I move with ease. A gust of wind tries to knock me over; I crouch low and stabilize myself. The ground below tries to rise up and meet me but I won’t let it. I won’t let the monster of fear consume me.
Back on the other side of the castle, I exhale in relief. Traversing that icy path was all the proof I needed that I have changed. For all I want Ruvan, I don’t need him. It’s oddly reassuring to know that these feelings don’t stem solely from gratitude over the protection he’s offered me.
I move to the room that I was first taken to, the same one that Drew occupied a day ago, to stand in the same place I stood in my dream. I look over my shoulder at the fireplace. I can imagine the bookshelves full of the same trinkets I saw in my dreams.
“Was this room yours, Loretta, or Solos’s?” I say to her ghost. I wonder if she still walks these halls. I can almost feel her here with me. I cross to the bed and lie down. This was where I received my first dream. I can make no sense of how I get them, or why, but I’m going to retrace my steps, even if I must go all the way back to the old castle to do it. “Though let’s hope it doesn’t come to that,” I say to the ghost. “If you want me to know the truth, now’s the time.”
I close my eyes and wait.
At first, I’m keenly aware of everything. Small shifts in the air, the way my body twitches just before it falls asleep, the growing ache in the back of my head that threatens to become unbearable in short order. I’m hardly tired, but this specter isn’t going to come to me in the waking world.
Except, she did once.
I sit up and reach down to my hip where the blood silver dagger is holstered. I bite my lip and twist it in the moonlight. Do I dare cut myself with it again? Ruvan’s sunken face flashes before me. If he needs more blood, I’ll give it to him. He also has the Hunter’s Elixir. This will be worth it.
The cut on my forearm is small but it saps the pain from my mind. I hold the dagger to my chest and feel its power focusing me. Lying back down, I take a deep breath, and focus on my feet. I force the muscles in each of my toes to relax, then in the arches of my feet, my ankles. I work my way up my body, one muscle at a time. It’s a trick Mother taught me. The smithy is relentless, and sometimes you ache so badly that you can’t even sleep, not even when you know it would make you feel better.
Somewhere between my abdomen and hands I drift off.
I don’t realize I’m asleep until the dream hits me. I’m still in that bedroom. Except it’s not the same, I’m back in an earlier time when the castle was still pristine.
It’s night here, too, and Loretta fumbles about. She runs between the bookcases and a desk positioned underneath the window—a desk no longer present in my own time.
“They’re not here.” She curses under her breath. It’s then I notice that three books are missing off the shelf. “Damn him.”
She’s back at the desk, quill moving frantically over parchment. I approach. It seems the more aware I am of these dreams, the more autonomy I have within them. Or perhaps I’m just stronger every time. Perhaps it’s the magic of the dagger drawing power from the recesses of my body.
She’s writing a letter, a few short words:
Tersius came back even after you banished him. He stole our work. I’m going to get it. Don’t follow me, it’s too dangerous for you to move across the Fade with Tersius as he is. He’ll hurt you if you come. But don’t worry, I’ll be safe. I’ll return soon.
“I should have known,” she says softly. “I should have seen what you had really become and let Solos kill you when we had the chance.” Loretta hunches over the desk, tears streaming down her cheeks. Wiping her face and composing herself, she goes back to the bookcases. She lifts a short sword from a stand and unsheathes it halfway. Red and black lines squiggle across the metal. It looks almost like my own dagger.
She sheathes it with purpose and straps it to her hip. I can tell from the way Loretta moves that she’s not a combatant. She’s going to die. All signs point to that tragic truth.
A woman, loved by two men, betrayed by one in anguish, it would seem.
