Shaye speaks. I can almost sense that she does it so Giles doesn’t have to. “I lived in the High Court originally.”
“The High Court?” I repeat softly. “The place with the castle? Where the—”
“Boltovs live. Yes.” Shaye returns her hands to her lap, staring at her plate a moment before taking a swig of her mead with purpose. “I was born there…and I think from the moment I drew my first breath, I exhaled the promise that I would not let myself die there.”
“Shaye…” Giles says softly.
She meets my eyes with an intensity that I can’t turn away from. “After my birth, the Boltovs assessed me, determined me worthy, and I began the training to be a Butcher.”
I think of that man in the woods who was so intent on killing Davien. I imagine him living a life of blood and battle from birth. Knowing no scrap of kindness in a way far, far worse than I can comprehend. “How did you escape?”
“They turned me into a weapon,” Shaye muses over the edge of her glass. “The thing about the Boltovs is they don’t realize weapons aren’t loyal by default. A sword knows no ruler, only the hand that holds it.”
“So you found a better ruler?”
“I found a mind, thought for myself, and became my own ruler,” Shaye insists firmly. “I realized I was not a tool to be used by others. But a soldier—a knight, a person that any king should delight in having on their retainer. That I was not indispensable as my first king thought me. So, I found my own mission, and that happened to align with a better king.”
I pick at my food, and shift in my seat, trying to get more comfortable. Suddenly, I can’t find a position where my skin feels right. Something she said has jarred me, tilted my world beyond easy repair.
“How did you find that mind of yours? One where you defined your own worth?” I ask softly. I dare to bring my eyes to her, afraid she’ll chastise or mock me. To my surprise, she doesn’t. She stares at me, intent and expectant. “How were you able to break away from the king who controlled you? How were you able to tell yourself that he no longer mattered or even—even spite him?”
“It started with a thought,” she says softly. As she speaks, my innermost insecurities are dredged up from the murky depths I try and drown them in. “A thought that maybe the reason why he tried to keep me down was because I was better than he could ever be. He was afraid of me—afraid of what I could become if he didn’t control me. So he spent every bit of his energy making me feel less. Making me feel worthless. Making me feel like I was nothing without him.”
Wretched girl, do as I say and maybe someday you’ll find someone who loves you, Joyce’s words echo from a history I’ve tried to blot out.
“I made him feel strong. Ruling over me, telling me what to do, thinking my every breath was dependent on him…that was what gave him power. Which meant I had power. He needed me. And I wanted to take that from him. So I did. I found a mind of my own and I kept it. I harbored it in secret until the moment I could get away. And then I vowed to do everything I could to destroy him.” Shaye stabs her knife into the table at her side. “I will die happy if I am the one to slit his throat when this is all over. But even if I’m not, knowing I helped the person who dealt the final blow shall be my life’s greatest work.”
I stare in awe at the woman. I should be afraid, I think. But… But I admire her fiercely. She’s everything I wish I could’ve been. Everything I hope I can still yet be. But my villains aren’t kings and their loyalists…they’re dressed in layers of silk. They powder their noses and then turn them up at me. I can dine with fae but the thought of my mother still makes me cower.
“I think you’ve stunned her into silence.” Giles nudges me as he speaks to Shaye. “You have to go easy on the poor human. She’s not used to our viciousness.”
“Don’t go easy on my account.” I pick up my fork and knife, tearing into my meat. “I’m finding things very comfortable here. So act normal.”
Shaye arches her eyebrows at Giles, who snickers. The two are silenced when the doors to Vena’s hall opens. Davien and the leader of Dreamsong stride out, still engaged in an intense discussion—at least until Davien’s eyes snag on me.
“Good, you’re eating,” he says.
“What else should I be doing?”
“Nothing else. It’s just good you are…because you’ll need all your strength for the ritual come morning.”
* * *
I barely geta wink of sleep that night. The entire time I toss and turn. If it’s not the thoughts of what the ritual might entail, it’s the sight of Davien, grinning like a fool and casting those bright green eyes toward me. I even get out of bed at one point, halfway to the door to hunt him down and demand to know what will happen, before I think better of it. I’m going to see him in a few short hours, I remind myself. There’s absolutely no need to go sneaking to his room in the middle of the night, wherever it might be.
As soon as dawn breaks, I’m out of bed and down the stairs to the main hall. The tables are still being set, candles being lit by taper and magic alike. A familiar voice calls out to me.
“Oi, miss human!” Raph scurries over. He has a basket half the size of him filled with fresh loaves of bread. “You need to go anywhere today?” He gives me that snaggletooth grin.
“No… But I could use your help in getting something.” I crouch down, eying the bread in his basket. First I will seize the opportunity of Raph’s nimble little fingers with a new—more careful—deal. Then I’ll nimbly snatch some bread of my own.
“You know I can deliver anything you need. What can I do you for?”
“I need a lute. Any lute. Doesn’t have to be a particularly nice one.” Last night would’ve been far more bearable if I’d had something to play to pass the time. “What will that cost me?”
He thinks about it, puffing out his cheeks while he does. “I want to see the Natural World.”
I snort, imagining Raph back on the human side of the Fade. Maybe I could employ him at the manor after the magic is out of me. The idea of Raph helping me tend that overgrown garden almost brings forth laughter. I don’t hate the image. He could be an apprentice of sorts to me. Or perhaps I to him. Living that close to the Fade…maybe there’s some old remnants of human magic I’d find in me. Laura would find amusement in Raph at the very least. I’ve begun to imagine her living with me, too. She’d get the magic she sought, and I would gain the knowledge that Joyce wouldn’t corrupt her.
