Page 114 of Warrior of the Wild
I whirl to find my mother standing before me. I think to pull from her grasp, but then Ireally look at her.
I almost don’t recognize her. She’s a shadow of her former self:frail, her eyes somehow duller, her cheeks hollow, her skin ashy, her limbs heavy, her hair without its usual shine. She looks helpless, distraught, as if something inside of her is eating her alive.
She looks broken.
“Rasmira,” she says, and even her tone has lost the hateful force it usually contains when speaking to me. “I’m so relieved you’re safe!” She throws herself at me, resting her head on my shoulder and letting her hands stroke my hair. I don’t return the embrace; I’m too shocked.
And then, in my ear, where no one else can hear: “I know it’s too much to ask for forgiveness, so I won’t dishonor myself by asking. I don’t deserve it. Rexasena has already started to punish me for my crimes, and I know she will continue when this mortal frame passes into the next life. But, you must know how devastated I am by what I did. I regretted it the second you disappeared into the wild. I’ve been so horrible to you, and it wasn’t until I let my own flesh and blood meet death that I realized what I’ve become.” She pulls back, rests her hands on my shoulders. “I will try to stop this. I will tell your father everything. You don’t need to go into battle. You can’t.”
And then she’s pulling away from me, waiting before interrupting the conversation Soren and my father are having.
I don’t know what is happening. Did the moon rise this morning instead of the sun? Have fish grown legs and crawled on land? Where is my mother and who has replaced her?
I was gone… over three months. Could my beautiful, horrible mother really change in that time? I don’t trust it. Not one bit. She’s going to have to do more than cry on my shoulder. But she’s offering to make everything right—to tell my father the truth.
“Wait!” I say, forcing her back to me. “Mother, you can’t. I need to carry on with this fight.”
“No, you never should have been issued a mattugr. I saw that boy sabotage your test. I’m going to fix it, Rasmira. I swear it.”
“Don’t, please. I’m asking you to wait.”
Her already frail body seems to shrink further. “Why?”
“Because I am ready to face the god. He has been a plague upon our people, and I believe I can end it all. Today. No more Payments. No more worrying about the god who lurks in the wild. No more starving children.”
“But—”
“If you truly regret what you’ve done and wish to make things right with me, you will abide by my wishes.”
She licks her cracked lips. “I do, and I will.”
“Good. Now please, I need some distance from you.”
“Whatever you need.” She disappears behind my father’s shoulder.
By the goddess,what was that?
My heart is throbbing within my chest, and my mind is turning over the conversation again and again.
“Are you all right?” Irrenia asks.
“How long has she been like this?” I ask, pointing to Mother.
“It started just after you left. She won’t take any of the treatments I try to give her.”
I can’t deal with this. Not now. Not when so much is riding on today. Not when I keep wondering if I’ve made the right choice.
Should I have let her tell Father the truth and call the whole thing off?
No.
The word is absolute, leaving no room to question it. I’ve challenged the god. There is no taking that back. Regardless of whether my mattugr is lifted or not, he knows I’m alive now. He will look for me, might even punish my village for my challenge if he learns where I’m from. Ihaveto see this through.
I start toward the center of the clearing. It’s dawn. Peruxolo should be here already. But just like he does with the village leaders during the Payment, he is making me wait.
Soren follows after me silently. There is nothing more to be said until this is done. Iric falls into step with us, leaving Aros to stand with his parents.
We stop in the center of the clearing, in the grooves of the road. For something to do, I windmill my arms, letting the muscles loosen. I walk in place, stretch my legs, prepare my body for what is to come. Soren and Iric stand by my sides, waiting with me.
