Page 49 of Hiding In the Dark (The Righteous 4)
“Nothing’s wrong. I just want you to go.”
“You’re lying, and you’re lashing out. I’m not that same boy that hurt you, and I don’t like seeing you cry. Now tell me what’s wrong. It was like your legs didn’t work properly, why?”
“Why won’t you just go away? This is hard enough without having to look at you and know you’re going to run when you find out the truth about your so-called perfect little doll,” she said sarcastically.
“You are perfect, and I’m not running anywhere. Ashley, I need you to really hear me. You’re the only person that I ever loved. I have from the first moment I laid eyes on you.” She blinked through the tears, but the fear that had turned into a living creature in her chest only tightened its hold as Kes spoke. Not because she was scared of him, but because she was terrified of the fact that she’d always felt the same way about him. “Yes, you heard me right, I have loved you for over fifteen years, and not for one day that has gone by have I stopped. You’ve always been my everything, my home base, my heart, and my soul. I know I was a fucking prick before, and I had the worst way possible of showing you how I felt. Call it immaturity, call it asshole syndrome, call it scared. I don’t care how you categorize it, but I swear to you that whatever it is that’s wrong, I’m not going anywhere.”
“I don’t know how to believe you.”
“I can only prove I’ve changed with time. Words are cheap.”
She looked away from the earnest stare that was making her want to cave. She wanted to hand this problem over to somebody else and scream from the top of her lungs for someone to help her through it, but how could she trust Kes after everything? Even if he did seem different.
He moved until she was forced to look at him or play a stupid game of continuously turning away. “Ashley, now that I finally have you, I would scour the fucking earth to find you. I’d crawl through hellfire, even a rain of bullets, and stare down an army to get to you. You’re my one, and I’m never letting you go. Unless you really want me to go, but if you say it, you need to mean it ‘cause I’ll know if you’re lying to me.”
The tears transformed into body-wracking sobs that made it hard to catch her breath as they escalated into panicked hysterics. The walls around her heart fractured, giant chunks of the perfectly-crafted armor falling away, leaving her exposed. She was feeling something deep for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime.
Kes picked her up in his arms, and she wrapped her arms around his neck as she buried her head in the crook of his neck. She never wanted anyone to see her like this, but she especially never wanted Kes to see her this weak or vulnerable. She was only going to get worse. Somehow, she’d managed to convince herself that, like Salvation Place, she too would get a miracle, but there wasn’t one coming for her. There was no magic wand to stop the progression completely, and it was inevitable that she would become a burden on someone. As much as she hated the idea of Kes knowing, she equally hated the idea of dealing with this alone. She couldn’t let him in if he couldn’t deal, and if he was going to run, she’d better know now because, god help her, she couldn’t take him ripping her heart out again.
As the uncontrollable crying eased, she realized he was sitting on the bed holding her and rocking her back and forth as he whispered, “I love you,” into her hair. Leaning back enough so she could see his eyes, she could tell the emotion was real. Their connection had always been there. She’d always just pushed it aside and considered it a sick fascination because of all the other shit and hurt between them. He was still who she dreamed about, the ache in her heart, and the passion only he could ignite with just a look had never left, but their love may not be enough. He may not be prepared or willing to stick it out when the shit got real bad. And whether it was a year from now or fifty, she was going to get bad.
“If I tell you this, you need to be sure that you’re not running. I can’t….” She looked away from his eyes to compose herself as her bottom lip shook. “I shouldn’t have slept with you. It was a mistake to do something like that with someone, but especially with you, without being upfront.” Her body trembled as she tried to fight off the tears trying to take over again. “I can’t deal with this right now.”
“First of all, you didn’t pursue anything with me that I didn’t want, and Doll, I was in your house, like a freaking stalker. I’ve been here watching you sleep for weeks. If anyone pursued anyone, it was me pursuing you.”
“Good point.” She couldn’t help but laugh a little as she wiped the tears off her cheeks with the back of her hand.
He gave her a reassuring smile. “Ashley, stop picturing the worst. I know I deserve it, but I’m not going anywhere. No matter what it is you tell me, we’ll face it together. I don’t have a father telling me what to do anymore, and while I was away, I grew into a man you can trust. Believe me when I tell you I’m all in if you’ll have me.” He kissed her forehead, and she nodded as her mind worked at forming the words. If she said them out loud, if she admitted to him what was happening, then it would become that much more real. She could no longer deny how bad it was, and that was just as terrifying as who she was telling.
“Tell me, Ashley,” Kes prompted.
His eyes were filled with so much compassion that the words choked in her throat as she opened her mouth.
Composing herself, she swallowed down the shame she felt—if he ran, then he ran. Taking a deep breath, she said the words that she could never have imagined having to say until her body had turned on her worse than any bully.
“I have MS.”
* * *
His heart pounded fast, and his first thought was selfish. How much time did she have? Fear turned to ice water in his veins as his mind jumped to the worst possible scenario. Kes leaned back and searched Ashley’s face for any sign that this was a hoax. Not that he actually thought she would make something like that up, but it seemed so unbelievable, so unfathomable.
“I don’t understand. There has to be a mistake. You’re only twenty-nine,” Kes said, his brain racing to remember anything he’d heard about the disease.
“It’s not a mistake, Kes. I get it if you want to leave. Just do it now. That’s all I ask.” Ashley looked away from him, and it hurt how much she didn’t trust him. That was on him. He’d never given her a reason to see him as anything other than the school bully that played with her and hurt her in a game of cat and mouse.
He tipped her chin up to look at him, his thumb running over her bottom lip—her eyes were so red and so pained. She’d never ask him for help—she was too stubborn and strong for that. It was part of the reason he loved her so fiercely, but he wasn’t giving her the chance to ask.
“I told you I was all in no matter what.”
“I know, but that was before you knew what you would be getting into,” she said so softly he could barely hear her.
“I still don’t have a goddamn clue what I’ll be getting into—what I know of MS is bits and pieces, but it doesn’t matter. I’m here. I’m in. I’m whatever the fuck else you want to add to that sentence. You want to cry on me, go for it. If you need me to go to doctor’s appointments, I’ll be there. You want me to make you dinner, I will. Well, I wouldn’t suggest that one too often unless you are a super fan of macaroni and cheese or beans out of a can.”
Ashely laughed. It was a short, sweet sound even as the tears continued to flow, but at least some of her normal spark was showing in her eyes.
He laced their fingers together and brought her fingers to his lips to kiss every single one. “I’ve missed the opportunity to have so many years with you, so many memories. I’m not wasting anymore.”
She slowly nodded and sighed as she obviously accepted what he said, but there was still doubt under the surface as she leaned into his chest. “What do you want to know?”
