Page 109 of Lucas & Melissa Falling in Love
Chapter 34
“No, I had no choice. You have to understand, I was young and I couldn’t possibly afford to support myself and a baby. I had no skills to speak of. No particular talent. All I had was my looks.” She smiled as if to emphasize that she still had those looks.
“You could have—” I start to say.
She puts up her hands to stop me. Apparently she has more to say. As if she hasn’t already said too much, more than I can believe. My father was in league with my birth father? How can I believe that story after my father insisted he didn’t know anything?
But no, that’s not what he’d insisted, is it? He only said he couldn’t tell me, that it was something the birth parents wanted kept secret. Had he known Stuart was dead? Is that why he didn’t think we’d find him?
Elise says, “But the most important reason I gave you up is that I loved your father—Stuart. I loved him more than anything and I couldn’t stand the thought of losing him.”
“You chose your lover over your baby. Me.” I choke out the words. Hating that she’s the worst version of who the mother of my imagination could have been, hating her.
“He was my life. It’s what he wanted. I had to go along,” she says, tears pouring down her cheeks now. Somehow her tears, her weakness and inability to stand up to her lover inspire me to be stronger. I have no more tears. My chest is tight and my heart beats madly.
“I would never do that, never be dependent on a man, never let him control me or dictate my decisions. I’ll always be my own person. I don’t know if I’ll ever get married, but if I do, I’d have a prenup agreement to guarantee that I maintain control of my life. What you did was horrible and despicable and brings shame to all women everywhere.” My voice rises and I feel the anguish emanating from her, and the strength and power of my conviction, my self-righteous indignation, collapses under the weight of Elise’s suffering.
I feel Lucas’s arms on me, holding me back. Then I realize I’m close to her, leaning over her and I let him pull me to him. I can’t stand to watch her cry. I don’t even want to look at her any more.
He’s silent. Everyone is silent. The room is cold and vibrating with silent dark tension. Then I remember my words, the things that spouted from deep within my soul loudly into the consciousness of everyone in the room. I turn to face Lucas.
His eyes glitter with outrage, but sadness runs through the depths. I can see the sorrow cracking him, see the tremor in his strong handsome face. He takes his arms from around me, lets go of my arm, and backs away. I feel tremors of cold and I realize it’s emanating from him and reaching through inside me, tightening my chest like he’s applying a vise. But the heart-wrenching look is reflected in his eyes and I know I’m guilty of throwing the first blow, shattering the connection between us.
The loss, the vacuum sucks at me, making my gut twist violently and I rush from the room into the hall, blindly looking for a bathroom. Dimly aware that Lucas isn’t there, behind me.
I don’t know how long I sit on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet. Lucas has probably left without me. I don’t blame him. My practical streak rescues me from sinking further into misery as I reach for my phone in my bag. I’ll need to get a ride.
I’ll need to get an Uber.
A heaving sob escapes me, but I clamp my hand over my mouth. Then I lift myself from the floor and straighten my skirt. It’s time to face the music, head back out to face the aftermath of my meltdown. I’ve never lost control like that before in my life.
Now I’ll have to figure out how to fix the mess I’ve created. I feel a bit like Scarlett O’Hara and that’s not a good sign. I’d always derided that character as pathetic and laughable.
Who’s laughing now, Melissa?
Not me.
When I get back to the living room, what I see shocks me enough to start tears streaming anew. Lucas is there. He’s standing in the living room quietly consoling Elise—my mother. He’s speaking softly so I can’t hear what he’s saying, but she’s nodding and no longer crying.
He looks up at me and lets go of Elise’s hand after one last squeeze. Then he comes to me and my heart nearly breaks with relief, with wonder and gratitude. I fall into his arms and tell him I’m sorry over and over and over again as if there’s no way to beg forgiveness for saying those things, the things that amounted to a slap in his face as well as Elise’s.
I practically told him I would never marry him, never make him the center of my life. I actually said I’d need a prenup agreement and I know he knew I was saying I would never trust him. But the thing is, none of that is true. And I have an urgent need to tell him this right now.
“I didn’t mean—”
“Shh. It’s all right. I know you’re distraught. I know how much you’ve had to take in, how upsetting everything is.” He whispers these words while he kisses my hair and rubs my back.
But I want more than consolation from him, so much more. I don’t even know where to begin with all the feelings tumbling from my locked heart as if it’s suddenly been broken open with a sledgehammer. It makes no sense. Elise’s words should make me less trustful, more stingy with my heart, more protective of its locked contents.
Tension grips me again, and I’m aware that she’s here in the room watching. We’re still standing in her living room, her home, and I’ve just cut her knees off, told her she was a horrible person for what she did. As if I’m a good judge, as if I have any right at all to judge her.
And I realize I don’t. No matter that I’m that baby she gave away almost twenty-seven years ago. I have two wonderful loving parents, so who’s to say what Elise did was wrong? Theyknewmy father.
I shove that thought back aside because I can’t deal with it right now. Untangling from Lucas’s arms, I take his hand and face Elise again.
“I’m sorry I said those things.” I don’t know where else to go from here.
“I understand. You’ve only said the things to me that I’ve been saying to myself all these years.” Heartbreaking sadness seeps through every feature of her beautiful face, her body. She looks older now, beaten down by sorrow. And I realize now it’s not just because of her loss of me, she had also lost Stuart, the man for whom she sacrificed everything for her whole life.
