Page 53 of Lucas & Melissa Falling in Love
Chapter 18
The flight attendant brings out drinks and I want to kiss the woman for giving me a reprieve, a chance to gather myself, to pull my thoughts from the whirling cloud in my head, to make sense of it all in my own mind. Before I try to explain it to Melissa.
Swiping my hands over my face, I take a breath. “Melissa, I never meant to deceive you. Or anyone.”
“Then what do you call it?”
“Independence. For these past few years I’ve been living my life on my own terms, without the burden of my surname or my family dictating my every move. I had to figure out what I want for my own life, without that pressure.”
I look at her, try to understand what she’s thinking, feeling. I can see she’s struggling between compassion and understanding and distrust and defensiveness. I can see the walls of wariness starting to build in her eyes.
“And yet you demanded to know everything about me,” she says.
“I know. I’ve been unfair, protecting myself after you’ve shared your most painful secrets with me.”
“Protecting yourself from what? What did you think? That I would think less of you because your family is a big deal, because they have money or—”
The expression on her face resembled a gathering storm, churning and darkening.
“No, no. It’s not that. It’s more because I didn’t feel part of the family right now. I felt separate. I told you some of it. I told you about the rift—”
“Yes and no,” she says in a tightening voice. “Not the most important part.” She turns and looks out the window. I reach over and take her chin, turning her face back to look at me. I don’t know what she thinks is the ‘most important part.’ It can’t be about the money. That’s not who she is. Not deep down. And it’s not who I am.
I say, “It’s not how it seems.” Because I know she’s thinking the worst of my intentions and I know my intentions were not bad. I feel too strongly about her, I need her too badly right now.
“Why don’t you just say that you didn’t trust me? You didn’t trust me to know about your money—or your family’s money, that is.” She’s speaking from a clenched mouth, discreet anger making her pink and coiled tight with tension.
“Itismy family’s money. It’s not mine.” I’m feeling defensive now and I try to control it, try to maintain my understanding of her point of view, but it’s hard because she’s hit so close to my dark guilt. That maybe Ididn’ttrust her completely. I keep talking, “I haven’t earned any of it. I have a lot to live up to. And I know you struggle with your own family history—”
“You must’ve been laughing at me,” she chokes out. I notice the flight attendant look over at us and move my body to shield Melissa from view.
She continues now in a quiet, controlled voice that scares me. “Telling you all about how I supposedly come from this wealthy family, how I have this ambitious legacy to live up to. You must have thought that was pretty funny.” She pauses and speaks so quietly I almost don’t hear her. “You must think I’m pathetic.”
“No. Your story, your struggles made me rethink my place in my family, made me realize I should appreciate where I come from—”
“Great. Then you feel sorry for me. Thanks.” She yanks her face from my hand and turns away again, leaving me to watch her studying the clouds, her chest heaving up and down. I can tell she’s trying desperately not to cry.
I don’t know if I should try to console her or give her space, so I go with my gut. My instinct is telling me I need to hold her. I lean close and put my arms around her from behind, laying one hand over hers, circling my thumb on her palm.
“Melissa let’s not do this. Let’s not think the worst of each other. You know how I feel about you. It’s real. I know how you feel about me.”
She turns to me. “Know how you feel? I’m not sure I actually know anything about you.”
I lower my voice to a whisper, “It’s me, it’s all me. The man you know is the real me. The rest is where I came from but it doesn’t define me.” I lower my mouth to near her ear. “Mia bella, you know I’m falling for you, how much you mean to me. If I’ve confused you, I’m so sorry. It’s becauseI’vebeen confused. But no more.”
She turns to face me. “What do you mean you’re not confused anymore? You still sound that way. I know I’m still damn confused.”
“I don’t blame you. Of course you’re confused. So much has happened. A lot is still happening. But I’m clear now. I love my family and everything they stand for. I know I want to make my father proud, to be the kind of man he expects me to be, the kind of man he is. I don’t think of his expectations as a trap or prison sentence or him hijacking my life anymore. I owe my new clarity to you. You’ve helped me more than you know.”
“Sure, I can see that. You listen to the pathetic story of my life, about my sad-ass broken family, and of course you appreciate what you have and where you come from. You know who your parents are. No one’s ever rejected you.”
“Don’t say these things.” I hold her tight now, breathing my words into her ear, my heart breaking for her sadness, her pain. “Don’t think these things. You have parents who love you. That’s all you need to know about your family. That’s allIneeded to know about your family. You’ve been through a lot and I admire how you’ve handled your life, the ups and downs. I admire how strong you are, how good you are.”
She waves her hand then picks up her drink and takes a long sip. I see the tears glitter on her long dark lashes. But when she speaks her voice is strong though quiet.
“Maybe you do. But maybe you don’t know me at all.” She pauses and looks into my eyes, no anger, no resentment, nothing but sadness showing.
“Maybe this is all a big damn messy mistake.”
