Page 20 of He Has Santa (Boston Brawlers Hockey)
CHAPTER9
LOGAN
Nicky sleeps as I put her in the booster seat in the back, and we take off for June’s house. The inside of my SUV envelops us in quiet intimacy. As we hit I95 North, I touch the control screen to pump low soothing music into the back seat so I can talk to Junie. Nerves run through me, so I take a deep breath, then dive in.
“When are we going to tell her? It’s obvious that she’s my daughter when we’re together. It’s only a matter of time before the same kind of thing happens again where someone recognizes the resemblance. I don’t want to lie to people, especially not to Nicky.”
“I know. You’re right.” June falls silent then, not expanding but considering the prospect. Her silence gives space and time to my runaway emotions. Chaos reigns where Junie is concerned, but when it comes to Nicky, my emotions are clear and big and bright with swells of love and pride and protectiveness and a boundless need to give her everything in me.
All the feelings that I’d bottled up are out now, and they’re never going back. Whatever turtle life I’d been living is gone forever. There’s only one way to live life, and I don’t know how I let that truth escape me all this time.
Scratch that—I do know how. I was too weak and needed to escape from unbearable pain. But I’m stronger now. I’ll be as strong as I need to be going forward because I have Nicky to be strong for, love and nurture, to guide through life. And it all starts with a good example. Something I know all about.
“What are you doing next weekend?” The words float from me naturally, without stress or strings or the baggage of anger or wariness. A simple question because I want to know. Because I want to invite her and Nicky to the team’s holiday festival.
No, more than that. Because I crave Junie, it’s a simple fact. I’m attracted to her like she’s the sun, and I’m forever caught in her orbit. No amount of worry about whether she’ll destroy me will prevent destruction from happening. Only strength is needed, the strength to stand up to whatever we need to go through.
“I… don’t have plans—aside from Nicky’s hockey game. You’re invited,” she smiles. I’m sure she’s relieved I don’t press her about a plan to talk to Nicky about who I really am. But her smile is tentative and shy like she’s expecting me to reject her and Nicky, and that pains me because, of course, I’m going to Nicky’s game. I’m going to every one of my daughter’s games if I need to move heaven and earth to do it.What about your f-ing hockey career?
Disappointment seizes me for a second, but I’m determined to make this work.
“It’s a deal. What time is her game?” At first, I’m hoping it’s early morning so we can go to the team’s holiday festival afterwards. If I miss the festival, I know that will piss off the coach big time. It would probably piss off some of my teammates too. But I quickly reconcile my priorities and realize that I’m going to Nicky’s game on Saturday no matter what time it is. I have a lot of lost time to make up for, and I’m not putting that off.
“It’s at eleven at the rink in Salem. Will that work for you? Do you have something else going on?”
“Eleven sounds great. I’ll be there. Now I have a proposal for you.” Heaving a breath, I turn off the highway. We’re getting close to her home, a big house in a seaside neighborhood, still as familiar as an old pair of skates.
“Name it,” she says. “You know I owe you. I have a lot to make up for to both you and Nicky.” The sincerity glistens in her eyes alongside the guilt and pain. It reaches into me and twists my soul so I can almost feel it myself. All the years fall away, and I feel exactly the same way about Junie as I always did as if nothing ever happened to break us apart as if none of that matters. Because apparently, it doesn’t. Her betrayal? What betrayal? The only thing I feel is a deep-seated connection with her and having Nicky makes it cut that much deeper.
“You’re going to have to forgive yourself, Junie,” I say in a quiet voice, “if we’re all going to get past this, you know.” I mean every word. All the rancor left me somewhere between hello and seeing that bottomless remorse twist her up. How can I be angry now? Who would that punish besides me? Junie’s doing too good a job punishing herself for me to bother piling on.
Besides, the only things that matter from our shared past are good things. If fate wants to hand me this chance to get back what we lost and more with Nicky too, then why the hell would I mess that chance up?
Her eyes go wide at my words, and her lips part, but she says nothing for a beat. My heart speeds up, but I force myself to wait and to pray that she doesn’t get stubborn about this.
“You say that now, but… it’s a lot to get past, keeping Nicky from you all those years. I mean, it’s a lot to ask you to forgive. It doesn’t happen just like that.” She snaps her fingers, keeping her brilliant life-giving eyes on mine.
“Who says? Is that a rule or something?” I smile because I need to pull her from her despair, need to lift her up the way I remember her doing so often for me back in the day. God, she was everything to me and the tantalizing realization that we could maybe have that again, with Nicky, has my mouth and everything in me watering and panting and ready to leap for the stars.
She quirks one side of her mouth, but her look says she’s about to dismiss me, so I stop her.
“Come with me to the Brawlers family and friends holiday festival. You and Nicky. It’s in three weeks. We can introduce her properly.”
“You mean we should tell her that you’re her father and then introduce her in public as your daughter? In three weeks? You’re crazy. That’s way too fast, too much for her to take in at once. We need to give her a chance to deal with it. You read her letter, Logan. You know how sad she is.”
“I know how much she wants a new dad,” I say.
She sucks in a quick breath, and I see the flinch of pain on her face. “Maybe it’s too quick for you.” Cold dread hits me because maybe she is mourning her damn latehusband. I’m being a dick. The poor bastard is dead, but hell. He’s one complication I need some encouragement from Junie to get past.
“No, that’s not it,” she says, putting a hand on my arm. The car slows as we pull into her neighborhood. She sighs and continues, “The marriage wasn’t going to last if he didn’t pass away. I’m sad that he’s dead, but I’m not in mourning, Logan. In fact…” She bites her lip like she’s said too much.
“In fact, what? You’re on a roll, Junie. Don’t stop now.” She rewards me with a short laugh and smacks my arm the way she always did, making me suddenly want to kiss her—and a whole lot more if I’m honest. That one slight touch is all it takes.
“Alright. True confession. I…” She looks away, out the window as if her courage stalls. Then before I have a chance to prod her again, she turns back to me and stumbles on her words.
“My mother thinks I belong with you, thinks we should get back together. She says I’m still in love with you. And I… think she’s right.”
I stop the car, my foot coming down on the break automatically, and steer it to the curb. We’re not at her house yet, but with my chest so tight and my heart thundering and my damn need to hold her and kiss her, nearly choking me, I can’t drive another inch.
