Page 12 of He Has Santa (Boston Brawlers Hockey)
“You don’t sound surprised. Did he tell you?”
I nodded. “But I pretended I didn’t believe him.”
“Are you crazy?” Sharon said. “You have to call him and tell him you believe him, that everything is alright. I’ll never forgive myself if I break up the greatest couple in high school.” That’s how Sharon was back then, how she still is, every inch the drama queen.
“I can’t do it, Sharon,” I said.
“But you have to call him.” Tears streamed down her face, and I felt like a statue of myself, too paralyzed by the sight of Logan kissing someone else—or rather some girl kissing him—to change what I saw as my fate. Too chicken to fight for him. Too afraid I’d lose because he could find a dozen or a hundred girls out there better than me. Better to let him go now.
Sharon was the one I went to when I decided to leave town with David a month later.
“You’re leaving? Gong to New York City? But why? What the hell is wrong with you? I haven’t seen you except in the bakery, you won’t talk to me for weeks, and now you tell me this? Don’t leave, Junie; I’m begging you, please.”
“I have to go. Dave has to go back to New York. He was only transferred here temporarily.”
“Dave? Who cares aboutDave? Why haven’t you talked to me? Or anyone?”
“I needed to get away from everyone for a while. Needed to get over Logan.” Like that was ever going to happen. But I wasn’t telling Sharon that. “I didn’t have the energy to talk to anyone except customers at the bakery, which included Dave. He came along when I needed a distraction.”
“You met him at the bakery? Who is this dude? Are you serious? Since when?”
“Since one week after my break-up with Logan. He is exactly what I need. A distraction.”
“Wow. It didn’t take you long to get over Logan. And here I felt guilty.” She paused, waiting for confirmation, but all I gave her was a shrug.
“I thought Logan was the love of your life. At least that’s what you told me.”
“Then why did you kiss him, Sharon?” My voice had been quiet; the rage boiled up slow because she had been right.
* * *
Logan had beenthe love of my life, still is; always will be. I threw myself into my marriage to Dave with all I had, but it was never the same with him. Not that it was bad, not that I didn’t love him. But my marriage was a mild day in springtime compared to the sizzling hot summer of passion with Logan.
Now, my chest tightens the way it always does when I think of that kiss that night and leaving Logan and my home, but this time bitterness seeps in where it has no business. I made my choice. I had been so unsure of myself, so unsure of my relationship with Logan, afraid I’d turn into that pathetic girl left behind while he went off to college and the pros. I felt inadequate then. Young, insecure and inadequate.
But this is now. I’m not that pathetic young girl anymore, too scared of love, too stupid to know what I had and what I’d thrown away. Not too scared to fight for what I wanted.
“Nicky will be fine,” Sharon finally says. “She’s young. If she’s anything like my Tammy, she’ll bounce back quick. Kids are resilient.” She squeezes my hands to emphasize her point. This is why I called Sharon. She’s a positive person under the drama and knows me, knows about Nicky. She was the first one I called—before my parents—with the news about my pregnancy. And she didn’t need to be told whose baby it was and wasn’t. She’d told me then to divorce Dave and come back home and tell Logan, but I was too afraid of being alone. Still a pathetic witless girl.
Sure, I’d only been eighteen, but still, I shake my head now thinking about it.
“You’re right about Nicky. We still talk about Dave at bedtime, but she talks less and less about him after only a month. If she hadn’t written that Dear Santa letter, I might not even have realized she still missed him.” The letter broke my heart when I read it, and I sobbed half the night until I decided what to do about it.
“I know. It was a tear-jerker for sure. But you did the right thing contacting Logan. Even if it was in an ass-backwards way.”
I laugh. “I thought it was clever and low risk. Allowed him to make a choice.”
“You knew he’d make the right choice. This is Logan we’re talking about. No way would he not take responsibility for a kid of his.”
“True. He’s the most decent, honorable man I know. But it’s not just Nicky. I come with the package, and I wouldn’t blame him if he holds a grudge or if he’s still at least wary.”
“What do you think? Is he angry about the break-up, about you hiding Nicky from him all these years? Does he hold it against you?”
“Hard to say. It was an awkward yet thrilling meeting. I can’t lie, Shar, I still felt it—that spark. This is going to be hard to have him in my life again and keep him at arm’s length.”
She laughs. “Who said you need to keep him at arm’s length?”
“He did,” I remember his exact words….in a perfect world, we could start over and be one big happy family as if our past mistakes never happened. But Junie, you know we can’t do that. I can’t take that chance…
