Page 53 of He Has It All (Boston Brawlers Hockey)
“I agree. I’ll have to submit a video clip too. I have a couple of contenders.” I play the clip where he’s cracking the joke about the cool breeze, showing him and the director from the waist up. “Tantalizing, but tasteful,” I say.
He nods. “Sure. I know you have to do what you need to keep your job, Chels. I—”
“I swear I won’t give the studio anything compromising. I would never let them show everything.”
He smiles, nods.
“Do you trust me?”
“I do.”
Relief, because I believe him, makes me giddy and my smile is out of control even when I’m begging my body to calm down, not to betray me, because I need to be a professional here.
“Look, Chels,” he starts and my stomach plummets. I want to clap my hands over my ears to not hear him, want to stop him from talking but I don’t know how to do that without making a scene and no way am I making a scene with him here and now. I’m on best behavior for the duration. Collecting my calm and cool, I face him square on and listen.
“About us.”
“What about us?” A slip in my bravery makes me interrupt. He stops and looks over my shoulder and I turn to see his agent, Ham the Houdini Jett, pulling up a chair.
“You two look like you’re having more fun than I am. Mind if I join you?”
“Do we have a choice?” I say. I’m not afraid of him. I shouldn’t resent him for interrupting what I didn’t want to hear in the first place, but I do.
“Honesty. I love it,” he says in full agent shark mode.
“Did you tell them” Ryan asks.
Ham nods. “They were . . . disappointed.”
“We don’t owe them anything,” Ryan says. “Do we?”
“Not strictly speaking, but I’m sure I led them on during the negotiations. You know the way that goes.”
“Seriously?” I say, because I’m now in a defiant mood, fear kicking up the knee-jerk reaction in me. Besides, I hate bullshitters who rationalize their bullshit and Ham fits that bill, no matter what glowing things everyone—which includes Maggs, Levi, and Ryan—say about him.
“What?” He looks at me, looks at Ryan. Ryan shrugs and I like how he doesn’t try and bail out his agent, doesn’t try and smooth over my ruffles, lets me run with it. I want to kiss him for that alone—on top of all the other various reasons.
“You promised something you had no intentions of delivering,” I say.
“Not true. I had every intention—”
“Maybe,” Ryan says, “But you had no right. You didn’t have my say so.”
“This was all before your idea to rehab your image,” Ham says, leaning back in his seat, shifting his attention to Ryan and forgetting all about me. Ryan darts me a glance and I raise my brows. Rehabbing his image? Maybe it’s really true. My gut does a dance and I feel bubbles of hope bouncing around in me that have no business getting so excited. Too little to go on.
So what if he’s rehabbing his image? An image isn’t him. It doesn’t mean he’s rehabbing himself, does it? Maybe he wants to do his womanizing under the radar now.
“We’ll talk about it later.” Ryan says, his face shuttering, leaving me out of the loop. “Let’s order dinner.” Cue the waitress who makes another magical appearance.
* * *
Makingit through day two was tougher than day one because my hopes were raised and dashed, yet again, by the great disillusioner, Ryan O’Rourke. But that’s unfair because I know most of it’s in my head. I know I’m messed up. Know I have unresolved issues and I’ve mistakenly fixated on Ryan as my white knight. Never mind that he filled the role perfectly until four years ago.
Perfectly if all I needed was a daydream to rely on. But it all got real back then and now it’s more real than ever and I can’t let it go. Can’t relinquish him, let him off the hook—no matter what he does. Not that he’s done anything wrong, not really.
It’s not wrong of him to not be in love with me, not wrong of him to be incapable of loving any woman. Messed up, but not wrong morally speaking. And isn’t that all he’s really guilty of? Isn’t that what I’ve been trying to cure him of?
Maggs and her mom think it’s all because of his fame and fortune and that’s made him overly cautious. I know that’s bullshit. I know there’s something else going on, but I have no idea what.
