Page 27 of He Has It All (Boston Brawlers Hockey)
Maybe I am in trouble, maybe Maggs is right. But maybe not. I’m a big girl now and I can handle whatever Ryan can dish out.Literally. The idea turns my smile into a giddy grin. If he can forget about being a superstar for the night, I’ll forget that I’m the Gossip Girl. If we can both be the people we were back before . . . everything changed, before four years ago, before the Olympics, then we might have a good time, a really good time.
* * *
Maggsand I go back to town to the Periwinkle Inn with the rest of the bridesmaids and Levi promises to call. Ryan goes back to the house he’s renting next door and his mom plans to grill some steaks for the family. My mom is staying with them in the impressively large house.
Part of me wishes I was staying there with them for dinner. I hug Mom before I leave, feeling her boniness, trying not to let it bother me. Skinny is healthier than fat, right?
But as we drive away in Maggie’s Mustang, excitement about dinner with Ryan takes over, banishing my longing for the comfort of the O’Rourke family and my worry about Mom. Tanya Wilde used to be a beauty according to her wedding portrait. But now…
The ping of my phone interrupts my melancholy. It’s Ryan, the most effective distraction from melancholy who walks the planet. He texts that he’s borrowing his dad’s car to pick me up and I laugh out loud.
“What?” Maggs says from behind the wheel.
“I’m getting picked up for my dinner date in your dad’s car like we’re in high school.”
“Oh my God, Chels, this is blowing my mind.”
He texts that he’s taking me somewhere casual—a cutoffs and T-shirt kind of place. I’m pleased, because I was starting to worry about attracting attention, not sure how I’d handle being in the spotlight when I’m trying to have a private dinner, but sure I’d hate it. Remembering how gracious he was to his fans and how crazy it made me last night, my admiration for him goes up a notch. How my crush on him can get any hotter, I’m not sure.
Unless it’s more than a crush.
But I can’t go there because that’s danger territory, heartbreak, disaster-waiting-to-happen territory. Still having a crush after all these years is bad enough, but that only leaves me open for having my ego bruised—like it was four years ago. I mentally turn away from the car wreck of how that felt, refusing to look again, let alone examine it. Because itwas only my ego hurt by the fact that Ryan had refused to sleep with me. Refused to make love to me. Refused to stay in bed with me. When he got out of bed and went to Levi’s room, leaving me by myself, I felt humiliated. That was all there was to it, I promise myself.
Since then, I’ve realized his desertion was his warped way of showing respect for our friendship and deep down I’ve mostly forgiven him, though I still like to tweak at his guilty conscience about it—just to make sure he still has a conscience.
Now I know the old Ryan is still there underneath the layers of ennui imposed by his superficial glam life and the parade of meaningless women and piles of money he no longer needs to accumulate. The adulation by people who don’t know him. It hurts me to see him hurt by people, so many people, wanting a piece of him, treating him like a commodity. Even if they do it because that’s how he’s been treating himself, I hate to see it.
Because that young boy’s generous heart is still in there, the fierce boy with big dreams, and I see it clearly when he’s with his gramps. Maybe that’s why he spends more time with the old man than I’d expect from a busy young man who’s a superstar with so many demands on him.
Maggs pulls into the narrow drive of the inn and around back. The four of us in the car get out, the others talking about taking a nap, but not me. I’m wound up, more excited than I’ve been in a long time—unless I count the volleyball game this afternoon because that was slammin’. We go inside and up to our rooms. Maggs follows me inside mine. We have adjoining rooms, but she doesn’t go through to hers, instead she stretches out on my queen-size bed.
“Promise me you won’t take him back here to our rooms, Chels.”
Surprised, I turn to see her staring at the ceiling and it sounds like she’s close to tears. The last thing I want to do is send her over an emotional cliff two days before her wedding.
“I promise, Maggs. I have no intentions of sleeping with him.” My voice is ardent. I almost believe myself, but I know I’m going to have to mean it, for my own emotional well-being as well as for Maggs.
She sits up. “Okay. I believe you. I just need to know that you’re going to watch out for yourself.”
“What about Ryan? Don’t you care about his feelings?” It’s my automatic reflex reaction because I saw the vulnerability in his eyes when he asked me to dinner, when he admitted it was a date. But when she looks at me like I’m a crazy person, I realize my mistake.
“You’re kidding me, right?”
“Maggs, he’s your brother.”
“And I love him, but he’s—”
“A man with feelings.”
She shuts her mouth and stares at me, sliding off the bed and coming to me.
“Do not assume he has feelings, Chelsea. Because he’s never shown a hint of any feelings whatsoever to any woman since he reached puberty. And I don’t count his kid-sisterly feelings for you—which somehow seem to have disappeared, replaced by his usual lust for conquest.” She shakes her head, anger rearing up.
“I think you’re wrong,” I say, knowing I should play it cool, but it’s too late for that now, isn’t it? “I think he considers me a friend. That’s why he asked me to dinner.” Lowering my voice, forcing myself to be gentle, I say, “Did you ever consider that maybe he needs a friend right now since you’ve stolen Levi away?” She swings her head around to squint at me.
“I . . . didn’t think of that. I’m not stealing Levi. Not exactly.” She comes over and gives me a hug. “You’re such a jerk. An insightful jerk, but still a jerk.” Letting me go and backing away, she says, “Be a good friend to him then. Have it your way. I love you, Chels. You’re a good sister-friend to both of us. The absolute best.”
“Love you too, Maggs.” She disappears into her own room, closing the door behind her, and I collapse onto my bed on the spot she deserted, taking a deep breath. I hope I can manage to be that good friend to Ryan, to resist the temptation to be so much more.
