Page 39 of Fragments of the Lost
I shake my head, the easiest explanation.
So it wasn’t the police. And it wasn’t his mother. And it wasn’t me. That left Max.
“What’s the matter, Jessa?”
I’m a terrible hider of secrets. Caleb must’ve been able to read them in my expression. Instead, I scramble for something else I can use. “I still can’t find his glasses. I’m just wondering where he was going, why he needed them.”
It’s like when I was at school, seeing all the empty places Caleb used to be. Seeing only what’s not there, whatshouldstill be there, if fate were fair.
But Eve gives a little sad shake of her head. “He was going to see you, Jessa. Like always.” Then she leans a little closer. “You never told me, what he last said to you. Don’t you think you owe me that?” As if reminding me why I am here. WhyIam here.
He didn’t say anything that day. And it’s only then, when she asks, that I realize that I too am searching for those words. To go back and have him say something, so I will understand. So I will be absolved.Going to the library.OrI’m hungry, might grab a bite to eat.OrI’ve been seeing someone else, and I’m going to visit her.Even justI feel like taking a drive.Just something. The weight of the unsaid words presses down on me, and all I can tell his mother is the truth: “He didn’t say anything.” A hard, sad thing to admit. The last words spoken from him to me were in the stairway from his room, said to my back, in anger.
She waits a beat, as if the answer will suddenly change. But when I don’t flinch under her unrelenting stare, she steps aside, so I can ascend the steps.
I’ve got to talk to Max again. Now that I know it wasn’t Caleb’s mother or the police who went through his email. I think about calling him, but I know voices carry in this house. I think about texting him, but I don’t even know what to say. He’s been through this room. Maybe he’s been through his email, too.Did you hack into Caleb’s account? What were you looking for? Did you find it?
Can I see it?
I look out the window, but there’s no movement at his house. And anyway, Eve is downstairs. I can’t just leave with no explanation.
Instead, I start on what’s left on the shelves, boxing away the trophies (karate, youth soccer, math Olympiad, lacrosse championship). All gold figurines that look identical, frozen in time.
Caleb Evers, Captainis written on the bottom of the prep state championship trophy. My nail hooks and locks in the groove of his name.
—
Hailey and I had driven nearly an hour. Well, neither of us had our license back then yet, so Max drove. Except Max didn’t have a car yet (Still saving,he mumbled, anytime we teased him about it), so he borrowed Caleb’s, since Caleb was on the team bus.
“Sophie said you guys broke up,” Hailey said from the backseat, leaning between the center gap.
“Yep,” Max said, keeping his eyes on the road.
“Hmm.”
I spun in the passenger seat, gave her a look. One that saidStop.It had only supposedly happened the day before. Caleb would be thrilled, I thought. Though he seemed to have grown to like Sophie just fine. Or, he tolerated her, for Max’s benefit. Honestly, I didn’t get the animosity. She was perfectly unimposing, unassuming, un-everything.
“What happened?” Hailey asked.
“Hailey,” I said.
She gave me theWhat?look.
“Nothing,” Max said. It was the beginning of May then, and they’d been together longer than me and Caleb. It seemed like a long time to be together to call it off for no reason.
“There had to besomething,” she said.
“Hailey,” I said.
What? There does,her look said.
“No, nothing happened.” He paused. “Nothing ever really happened.”
“Oh,” Hailey said.
“Oh,” I said. It seemed a long time to stay together without a reason, too. But then I thought, maybe it was easier to stay with the stream of momentum, no concrete cause to call it off. And I got this slight unease in the pit of my stomach.
“And if you repeat that, Hailey, I will throw your favorite shoes into the river,” Max said.
