Page 44 of Then and Now (The Edge of Retaliation 3)
But it hurts, it really does.
I exhale and pick up the cold pack of ice, bringing it to my cheek and closing my eyes.
I think about Celia, as I do often. I wonder what she liked to do for her birthdays. Did she have a special place? Did their family do something nice? Did she like sweets or a cake? Decorations? Music? Or did she just prefer to be with her family over a nice dinner? These are all things I should have been asking Tanner all those years ago, instead of chasing Chase across the country.
I should have been focusing on her and the joy she brought to his life. Instead of focusing on the pain that surrounded us all when she left.
I look back now, and it all seems so incredibly obvious, yet at the time, it was all I could see. My freedom. What I wanted. What I needed. The things that would make me feel better. Never once did I stop and think of the things that would make him feel better. Maybe that’s what Madeline does, maybe that’s why he said she’s a better woman than me.
She heals parts of him that I kept ripping open.
I shouldn’t have left without an explanation. Now, looking back, I realize it was possibly the most selfish thing I’ve ever done, but at the time I didn’t see clearly like I do now. I lost the best thing to ever happen to me out of fear. I was scared that Celia would forever hang over our heads, and instead of embracing her and her part in his life, I threw it away.
I’m going to fix it, even if it’s just to finish things the right way.
It won’t be easy.
He’s with someone else now.
But it is the right thing to do.
I owe him that much.
17
JOANNE
“Of course,” I tell Callie, organizing my ink for the day in little bottles, preparing my gun for my first official customer.
Alarick was pleased with my results on the piece he gave me, and he told me I can officially work full time under him. I was so excited I wanted to hug him, but of course I didn’t because, man, that would have been awkward. Still, it’s everything I ever wanted. Well, not what I always wanted, hell I never even thought my drawing skills would get me anywhere, let alone here, but life has a way of taking you somewhere you never expected.
“Thank you so much, that’s amazing. You won’t get into trouble?”
I shake my head. “No, you’re paying, it doesn’t matter who you’re paying for. I have space this afternoon, if you have something in mind you’d like for him.”
Callie frowns, and her face is super swollen today. When I found out what happened to her, I freaked out. She assured me she was fine, but dammit, they’re getting too close. The men decided they’d stay with us even during work now. Though, Alarick agreed when I’m here, he’ll have someone with me at all times. So it’s mostly when we’re at home, or out and about. Tanner is going to drop Callie off to work and pick her up, walking her in and out. She’s safe while she’s in there.
Things are getting … heated, so to speak.
“I don’t really know what to get him, that’s the thing. Obviously, I want something to do with Celia, because it’s her birthday today, I just don’t know what.”
“Leave it with me, I’ll come up with something amazing before you bring him in.”
She’s paying for Tanner to get a tattoo of Celia, to mark her birthday, but also so he can have something on him at all times that memorializes his sister. It’s a great idea, I only hope it’ll go down well and he’ll see that she has good intentions. The tension between the two of them is probably stronger than the tension between Tatum and myself, and that’s saying something.
“Thank you so much for this. There’s something else I want to do for him, though I don’t know if he’s going to be okay with it. Still, he can’t hate me any more than he already does, right?”
I smile at her, feeling bad because I know it’s killing her. I know seeing him with Madeline kills her. I know it all bothers her, but she’s keeping a straight face about it all, hiding it well. I’m her best friend, though; I have seen the worst of her so I know when she’s hanging onto pain and trying to cover it up.
“You’re doing the right thing, not reacting to all of this,” I tell her, lining my chair with plastic for sanitary reasons. “I know it’s hurting you.”
“Yeah,” she exhales, “it’s not easy. Seeing him with Madeline. Last night, after he helped me out, I had to go out and sit with them to eat dinner. His hand kept rubbing up and down her leg and …”
