Page 16 of Pas de Trois
I tried to kill myself at their last quarterly meeting three months ago. I’d been caught by Vigo before I could do it and they went to the board to decide my punishment. Ezra and I had been locked together while our fate was decided. Ezra and I had made love there.
But then Nikolai took me for the night to serve my punishment by giving me pleasure that I didn’t want. He fucked me over and over again that night.
That’s how he tried to make it right?
I don’t understand…
I don’t….
Oh, God.
“I’ve been sick.” I lift my head and meet Ezra’s solemn green eyes. “I thought it was from malnourishment. I don’t remember having a period…Oh, God. Ezra.”
“Hey, it’s okay,” Ezra says to me. “It’s all gonna be okay.”
I feel composed and frantic all at once, my brain faltering and restarting again and again.
“Am I pregnant? I can’t be pregnant. There’s no way. With the stress my body’s been through? No. No. It’s not possible.”
“Letter,” Nikolai hardly gets the word out. “Lid.”
“What?”
Ezra nods toward the lid of the box beside me on the floor and I reach for it, flipping it over. On the underside is a small envelope taped to the lid. I pull it free and tear it open. My hands shake as I look at the handwritten letter. The date at the top tells me it was written last week.
It’s Nikolai’s handwriting, all in Russian.
It’s a letter he wrote to me.
Dear Anya,
I don’t know if I will ever give you this letter. But if you’re reading it, then please know that I do feel regret—not for making you mine, but for selling you out of anger.
I gave you everything you could have ever needed. But I’m starting to understand now that I never gave you what you wanted. I wanted you to have your pet. I would have let you love each other if only you had both loved me.
Ezra was the perfect fit. The pet that would have given you the happiness you deserved while I was away. If only you had both obeyed. If only you had both recognized your true master. We all could have found our happiness together.
There’s emptiness in this home without you. I know I hurt you. I wanted to hurt you. I’ve become obsessed with hurting you. But when you hurt me by bringing Ezra into your bed against my orders, I couldn’t stand to look at you.
But I missed you only hours after you had gone.
It was a mistake to sell you to Vigo.
If the gods see fit to bless me with your child, I will take you back, claim you forever, and try to be better.
I suppose I never learned how to show it, but I do love you, Anya. Please forgive me.
Yours,
Nikolai
The paper crumples in my hand and it forms creases on my heart.
