Page 82 of Jar of Hearts
“My brave girl,” her father said, his own voice cracking and choking as he stroked her hair. “My brave, brave girl.”
In that moment, with her father holding her as tightly as he could, the sobs stabbing and unrelenting, Geo wanted to die.
***
The adoption was finalized thirty days later, during which time the Kents were careful to stay away. Geo understood why. At any point in those thirty days she could have asked to see the baby, changed her mind, and even taken the baby back. But as the days passed and her body began to heal, so did her spirit. The hole that had ripped open in her soul was beginning to close up, still crazy tender, but no longer a gaping, gushing wound. On day thirty, she read the letter Nori wrote to her. It was filled with gratitude and love.
What you have given Mark and me is a joy unlike any other, and wepromise to love him as completely and unconditionally as we know you would have. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We named him Dominic John,after our grandfathers.…
She wrote them a letter back on day thirty-one, when the adoption was official.
Congratulations to you both. I know you will be wonderful parents to your beautiful baby boy.…
They did not keep in touch, although they had all agreed to a semi-open adoption, which meant that if at any point Dominic John Kent wanted to speak to her or meet her, she was willing. But it had to be his call, on his terms, and she was allowed to decide if she was okay with it.
Geo strokes the pile of letters beside her. The ones written on blue stationery, the ones that kept coming in prison that she couldn’t bear to read, but couldn’t bear to throw away. She’s read them all several times by now, letters from the son whom almost nobody knew she had. Dominic is now eighteen, older than she was when she had him.
Dear Ms. Shaw, I am your biological son Dominic.…
He wants to know her, to talk to her, to fill the gaps in his life that are there despite Geo’s best efforts to pick good parents for him. His letters are well-written, full of details that break her heart. How could she have known that when Dominic was five years old, his adoptive parents would divorce? And that Mark Kent would marry the woman he cheated on Nori with, and go on to have two biological children of his own with her? And that Mark would eventually give up full custody of his adopted son—whom he hardly saw anymore anyway—to Nori, who would never remarry and instead bring home boyfriend after boyfriend in an attempt to heal the anger and bitterness she felt over Mark’s betrayal? And that one of those boyfriends, the last one, would touch Dominic in a way that no little boy should ever be touched?
Or that one day, Nori would die in a car crash because her pedophile boyfriend was driving drunk, leaving Dominic in the care of one disinterested extended family member after another, before he finally, inevitably, ended up in the foster care system?
How could Geo have known that choosing her baby’s parents based on what she thought she saw, and on what she thought she felt, would all turn out to be lies and bullshit, because in the end, people are only out to protect themselves? How could she have known that her son was going to have a terrible life? And that in hindsight, she, a single teenage mother, might have done a better job of raising, loving, and protecting him?
How could she possibly apologize to her child for hislife?
And how could she possibly tell him that his biological father was Calvin James, and that not only does she have his life to apologize for, but his genetics, too?
How does she then tell him that his father is killing his children, because people like him “should not exist”? Yes, she knows that Calvin said that, had said it out loud at the sentencing hearing for everyone to hear. She’d read about it in the newspaper while she was in prison. How does she tell Dominic he’s in danger? From hisfather?
But she has to. Because there’s no one left to protect him now other than Geo.
And after everything, after every terrible thing she’s both done and let happen, it’s the very fucking least she can do.
30
There are people to get in touch with, preparations to be made. But her phone is ringing, and when Geo checks the call display, she doesn’t recognize the number.
“G,” the familiar voice says when they’re connected. “How’ve you been? How’s life outside Hellwood?”
“Ella,” she says, surprised. The inmate must be calling from a contraband cell phone, and Geo’s mind begins combing through the possibilities of what the call might be about. Hazelwood’s premier drug dealer has a new accountant now, and the transition should have been smooth. Geo made it pretty clear that once she was out of Hazelwood, she was out for good, and she hopes Ella Frank isn’t calling to ask her to change her mind. She’s not the kind of woman you say no to, twice. “I’m fine. It’s good to be home. What’s going on?”
“I can’t talk long because I’m calling from the library,” Ella says. “CO’ll be back in a few minutes. This isn’t a business call.”
Geo exhales, not realizing until she does that she was holding her breath. “Oh, okay. I saw your brother when I got out, gave him all the information. Everything’s working out, I hope.”
“He told me you stopped by, and we’re all good there.” Ella hesitates, and when she speaks again, her voice is softer. “Listen, G. I wanted to be the one to tell you. Cat died last night.”
No. She can’t have heard that right. Geo opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.
“She was found in her cell this morning when she didn’t get up for roll call.”
“That can’t be. I don’t understand. She was supposed to get out tomorrow,” Geo says, her mind stubbornly refusing to believe what Ella just told her. “I talked to her the other day and she was in good spirits. I was going to pick her up at the bus stop.”
“She wasn’t feeling well the last couple of days. One of the girls found her in the bathroom, half passed out, tried to make her go to the infirmary, but she insisted she was fine, that she was just dehydrated and a little dizzy. She died sometime in the night.” Ella’s voice is filled with sympathy. “They think maybe her heart gave out, or she had a stroke in her sleep. You know how sick she was, G. Her body was failing.”
“Yeah, but she wasn’t supposed to die in there!” The words come out sharper and snappier than she intends, and Geo takes a deep breath, trying to calm herself. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. It’s just… she was supposed to live here, with me. I promised her I wouldn’t let her die in there. Ipromisedher.”
