Page 64 of Jar of Hearts
“You don’t think that’s possible?” Kaiser’s eyes never leave her face. “You knew him better than anyone. You’ve seen firsthand what he’s capable of. Nineteen years is plenty of time to grow into a monster.”
Geo lets out a laugh, but there’s not a speck of humor in it. “Oh, Kai. Calvin didn’t grow into a monster. Calvin wasalwaysa monster. I just didn’t see it back then.”
She’s never felt so small, so alone. She doesn’t remember feeling this way in prison, surrounded by the chatter, the voices of women, the presence of other people who were stuck in that box with her. She understood that it was her place to be there, and for five years, she made it work because she had to. There was comfortin always knowing where the walls were. She felt safe—not at first, maybe, but eventually. Here, untethered, unanchored, she is terrified.
She says none of this to Kaiser, but he seems to sense her thoughts. He reaches for her hand, his palm warm and pressing gently, his face full of compassion. It’s taken her a while, but she can once again see the boy she used to know, the one who had loved her with his whole heart just the way she was, and who expected nothing in return but her friendship, although he’d made it clear once that he wished for more.
Before she can stop herself, she leans over and kisses him.
Startled, he tries to back away, but the arm of the sofa is blocking him and there’s nowhere for him to go unless he stands up. But he doesn’t stand up. Instead, he kisses her back, forcefully and urgently, one hand in her hair, the other cupping her face, and it feels like it did the night of Chad Fenton’s party, when they were alone in the laundry room. Had Geo made a different choice that night—had she said yes to Kaiser instead of pushing him away—none of what happened afterward would have transpired. She might not have gone to Calvin’s, and Angela might still be alive.
Kaiser kisses her mouth, her neck, the soft spot behind her ears, and then her lips again. She responds, pressing against him, unable to get close enough. Her hand slips under his shirt, undoing his belt. His hand is fumbling with her bra, and then her shirt is off, the bra along with it, and his mouth finds her nipples. She’s so aroused that it almost hurts. Every inch of her wants every part of him.
His kisses are a hair shy of rough. His hands move everywhere, and then, impatient, he stands her up, yanking her sweatpants down to the floor. The living room window is right there, but she doesn’t care. Fuck the neighbors, let them see. He buries his face in the crotch of her panties, and a guttural groan escapes her lips. Then he slips a hand inside. It feels so good, she almost orgasms right then.
After a moment, she forces herself to pull back. She has to be sure that he’s sure. She doesn’t want to trick him. She’s tired of deceiving people, of trying to pretend she’s someone she isn’t. Of trying to pretend she’s good.
“You know I’m not a good person, right?” she says. “I need to make sure you know that, before we do anything, before it goes any further. I’ve hurt people, Kai. I’ve done terrible things.”
“I know,” Kaiser says. “I know. But you’re all I can see, Georgina. You’re all I could ever see.”
***
They’re upstairs, in her childhood bedroom, and the door is closed, even though they’re alone in the house. The afternoon sun is bright, spilling into the bedroom in pink beams through the sheer lace curtains. There are no window blinds to close. Everything is lit up, everything is exposed.
She lies on the bed as he tugs her panties off, taking his time sliding them over her hips and then over her thighs and ankles, making her wait. The rest of her is already undressed. He pauses, his eyes feasting on her nakedness. She allows her legs to fall open slightly, letting him see everything he wants to see, baring it all. For once.
His face is flushed with arousal, and then he smiles. It’s not a love smile. It’s a smile of genuine amusement, and the sight of it alarms her.
“What’s the matter?” she asks, propping herself up on her elbows, suddenly anxious. “Do I not look how you thought?”
Kaiser’s grin widens. “No. That’s the thing. You look better. But it occured to me that if this had happened at sixteen—and you have no idea how much I wished it would—I’d have come in my pants already.”
Relieved, she laughs. “It’s okay if you do.”
“Fuck that,” he says. “I’m a grown-up now, Georgina. Let me show you.”
He pulls off his shirt, then his jeans, then his boxer briefs. He doesn’t look anything like how she thought, but then, she had never really thought about it back then. He had no expectations to meet. Nevertheless, he is beautiful. He’s hard, and he’s ready.
Kaiser enters her, slowly but not gently, and she is transported.
24
An hour after he leaves, his smell is still on the sheets, and Geo sinks into them. The first prickles of self-doubt are beginning to creep in. She’s an ex-con; Kaiser’s a cop. How can this be anything more than what it was? An afternoon sex romp. He probably doesn’t even see her as anyone other than the girl he could never have in high school. Now that it’s out of his system, she’ll probably never hear from him again. Cops have a hero complex, don’t they? They need someone to save. Or, in Geo’s case, redeem.
Except… it doesn’t feel that way for her. Being with Kaiser makes her feel like she’s exactly where she’s supposed to be. And she hasn’t felt that way since Angela died.
Rolling over, she reaches into the bottom drawer of her nightstand and pulls out the empty Mason jar. She sets it on the table, staring at the flecks of sunlight that hit it at different angles. Remembering.
The night of the murder, she didn’t get back to her house until four o’clock in the morning. Her dad was working an overnight, and nobody was home. Every single house in the neighborhood was dark, and there were no streetlights. She hadn’t been able to look at Calvin, the both of them covered in dirt and blood, his hands raw from all the shoveling. His Trans Am’s interior light flicked on when he opened his car door, a soft repetitive beep emanating from the dashboard because the keys were in the ignition.
“Georgina—” he said, but she turned away before he could finish.
She let herself in the house and dragged herself up the stairs, every muscle in her body feeling like it had been run over by a truck. Her stomach still felt queasy from the alcohol, and now that the panic-induced adrenaline was fading, she couldn’t stop shaking. She was so cold. Her little dress, which seemed like the right choice for Chad’s party, seemed utterly silly now. It was covered with dirt, grass, bits of bark and leaves… and blood. So much blood. She peeled it off in the bathroom, letting it drop onto the bathmat. With the faucet cranked as hot as it would go, she stepped into the near-scalding spray, as if the water could somehow wash away the horrible thing she and Calvin had done.
Because yes, this was her fault as much as Calvin’s. He was right. She had brought Angela to him.
The dirt and dried blood from her hands rinsed onto the bathtub floor in dark-brown streaks. The dirt they’d thrown over Angela’s body. Over Angela’sface.
