Page 120 of The Outpost (Jamison Valley 4)
“You have no idea how happy that makes me.” She sniffled and wiped a tear from her wet eyes. “I hate all of the bad things that happened to you over the last year but I can’t regret them. When Janessa died, you built these walls to shut everyone out. I think it was your way of keeping your heart from being broken. Nothing we did could get through. I’m just so glad to see you’re starting to take those walls down.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize. You were so young and what happened with Janessa was so traumatic. She was the Kameron to your Kellan back then. I just wish we had known what to do to keep you from pulling away.”
“I don’t know if there was anything you could have done.” They had always been there for me; I just hadn’t let them in.
“Most of the time, I don’t even think you know you’re pushing us away. So many people love you and want to be close to you, Sabrina. You just don’t always let them. The only person I’ve seen you really let in since high school is Felicity.”
And Beau. Being with him at the outpost, stripping away all of my comforts, he had opened my heart. He had broken through my walls and helped set me free.
“I don’t want to shut people out anymore,” I whispered.
She reached out and grabbed my hand. “Then don’t. You can’t let what happened with Janessa all those years ago define how you’re going to build relationships. Your guard isn’t just keeping out the bad. You’re blocking the good too.”
“Why do you think she killed herself?” Never, not once had I asked that question.
Janessa had left a note for her parents but no one had ever told me what she’d written, and I’d been so angry with her at the time, I hadn’t wanted to hear any excuses.
Mom pushed out a deep breath. “She was pregnant.”
My jaw fell open. “Pregnant? We pinkie promised to stay virgins until college. And she didn’t just kill herself but her baby too? I can’t—” I took a long breath and stopped my rant. “Never mind. Getting all worked up isn’t going to bring her back.”
“No, it’s not.”
I shook my head
, dumbfounded at her choice. “I wish she hadn’t been able to buy that gun.”
“Is that why you went after the Federovs?”
I nodded. “Kids shouldn’t be able to buy illegal guns off the street. Without that pistol, she would have had to commit suicide some other way. If she’d taken pills or even cut her wrists, I might have been able to save her, Mom. I could have gotten there in time.”
“No, dear. You wouldn’t have. She had been dead for hours by the time you got there. No matter what, there was nothing you could have done.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“Oh, Sabrina.” Her head fell. “I wish I had known you felt this way. I should have forced you to talk about this a long time ago.”
I shook my head, sending a couple of tears down my cheeks. “I probably wouldn’t have listened but I’m glad you told me. Now I can let it go.”
We sat together in silence, holding hands and finishing our wine until she gave my fingers one last squeeze and stood from the couch. “I’d better get to bed. We can talk more tomorrow if you’d like.”
“Okay. Thanks, Mom.”
I was emotionally drained but doubted I’d sleep much. Instead, I’d be thinking about the serious life changes I was going to make, starting tomorrow.
No more pushing people away. I was done working from sunrise to sunset and most of the hours in between. I was done using sex as a way to keep men at a distance. I was done living a solitary existence.
I wanted to be close to my family. I wanted to build lifelong friendships. I wanted to surround myself with people who loved me unconditionally.
“Mom?” I called before she could slip into the bedroom.
“Yes?”
“I think I’m going to move home.”
“Miss Sabrina,” my doorman answered the phone.
