Page 91 of The Lucky Heart (Jamison Valley 3)
“If he doesn’t, well, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Okay?”
I nodded and turned back to the view. It was hard to appreciate the beauty with a whirling mind and heavy heart. “Should we go back?”
“Lis,” Silas tugged on my hand, “it’s going to be okay. Promise.”
I really wanted to believe him. “Okay.”
All I thought about on the slow ride back was how I could approach Elliot. As always, I decided the first step would be an apology. It felt like all I’d been doing since moving back to Prescott was saying, “I’m sorry.” How many apologies would I have to make? A thousand? A million? I knew I had a lot to apologize for, but with each “I’m sorry,” the need to say three more sprouted in its place.
By the time we made it back to the barn, it was nearly noon and I was completely dejected. “Do you want some lunch?” I asked Silas as he got the horses back into their stalls. “I could put together some BLTs.”
“Sounds good. I’ll take care of these two. You can head on in.”
I forced a smile and walked to the barn door, pausing at its frame. “Silas?”
“Yeah.” He leaned out of Courage’s stall.
“If I could go back and talk to the younger me, I would. I’d tell her not to be scared and not to run away. That she was giving up something great. I hope you know that.”
His eyes softened. “I know.”
Nodding, I went inside to make lunch. I worked automatically, trying not to let my emotions get the better of me, but as I was slicing the tomato, a tear dropped down my cheek and landed on the cutting board.
I set down my knife and braced against the counter as I started crying. Every time I thought I was making progress, that I’d finally unburied myself from years of guilt, something happened and it came right back. When would it stop hurting? I hated that I’d broken Silas’s heart. Just thinking about it made me sick, but I couldn’t change the past. When was it going to stop being thrown in my face? I had been trying so hard. When would it be enough?
I
didn’t even try to stop crying. I was so exhausted, so emotionally spent from the highs and lows of these last few months, I just let the tears fall onto my tomato until two strong arms wrapped around my chest.
“Don’t cry,” Silas whispered into my hair.
I dragged in a few stuttered breaths. “I’m sorry, Silas. I’m just so sorry.”
He turned me around to frame my face with his calloused hands. “Stop apologizing, Lis. There’s nothing to be sorry for. You were a kid. So was I.”
“I’m so . . . tired.” I fell into his chest. “I’m tired of feeling guilty for leaving. For not coming home sooner. I don’t know what else to do other than to keep apologizing, but I’m just so tired. Just when I think we’re moving forward, someone throws the past right back in my face. I hate myself for causing you pain. I hate it.”
His arms tightened around me, and he leaned his cheek down on the top of my head. “Having you back, holding you in my arms, makes all the pain worth it.”
“We could have had so much more time together. I threw that all away.”
“You don’t know that for certain. We both needed to leave Prescott. I don’t regret my time in the army, and if you had stayed, I think you would have resented it here. Things turned out the way they were meant to.”
He lifted his cheek, and I tipped my chin up.
“No more tears, okay? I don’t want you to feel guilty about the past or regret the time we spent apart. It’s done. Over. I want you to be happy. For us to be happy together. People like Dad will come around when they see that the past doesn’t matter to us. All right?”
I buried my face back in his chest and nodded. We were happy, and given time, things were bound to get easier. I just had to keep telling myself that.
We held each other for a while. Silas’s strong embrace made me feel sturdier. He’d never let me fall, no matter how bad things got.
“Change of plans, babe. We’re going to postpone fencing.”
“Okay. What would you like to do instead?” I asked, but the way his fingers started trailing up my back gave me a pretty good idea.
“Well, when my Lis is sad, I do what needs to be done to cheer her up.”
“Cheer away.” I barely got the words out before his hands came to my face, and he slanted it back. When his lips crashed down, I kept my mouth closed so he would have to use his tongue to coax them open.
